FOUR WAYS TO BECOME CLOSER
DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
Even when they are in relationships, many wish to become closer to their partners and share quality time that is truly intimate. They want to feel free to express all of themselves. Although many try in all kinds of ways, it is helpful to learn some direct steps, which open emotional doors between partners and deepen the bond they share.
The heart and soul of intimacy begins with communication. However, few really know how to listen, or how to find the right time or way to express what is inside. Some communicate to control, manipulate, or be right. Others communicate to present an image of who they are, to impress and gain approval. Their communication creates a wall that doesn't let another in. No matter how many gifts they give to their partner, it never seems to be enough. Of course the real gift everyone wants is to be truly known and heard.
True emotional intimacy begins with willingness to be who you are - to express yourself honestly and fully and to know that your partner is able to accept you as you are. This also includes the reverse - your being able to really listen, understand and accept your partner and what he needs to share.
Many relationships are based upon an on-going struggle to fix or change the other person. They are not good enough as they are. This struggle blocks intimacy as the partner always feels criticized in some way. The greatest barrier to emotional intimacy is the feeling that we have to be someone different than who we are.
The following simple steps open the way for intimacy. They allow you to practice a communication that sets up an atmosphere in which intimacy can grow. These exercises are simple and yet powerful. They will help you to make friends with both your partner and yourself.
1) ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER AS THEY ARE. (Accept yourself as you are as well).
Stop criticizing, complaining, and letting your partner know what's wrong with them, what's missing. Drop the desire to change them. When something happens that usually causes you to criticize or complain, just let it be as it is. Say to yourself, I will let this person be as they are and let go of my wish to control them. Watch how they begin to open up as this goes on.
STEP 2 - FOCUS ON WHAT'S RIGHT ABOUT YOUR PARTNER. LET THEM KNOW.
You fell in love with your partner for some reason. Focus upon what it is that drew you to them, the things they've done that make you happy. Then, tell them so. So often we communicate the complaints and keep the praise and acknowledgment silent. Start doing the reverse of this. Make a point of letting your partner know whenever he does something to please you, or when there is something about him that you genuinely like and respect. This is not flattery, but the process of acknowledgment. We usually think the person already knows what is good about them, but actually this is rarely so. It is crucial to "acknowledge" what is happening. Open up and tell them how they made you happy, or what about them you enjoy and respect. (This also lets our partner know what pleases and is meaningful to us).
STEP 3 - LISTENING WITH LOVE
Listening means, stopping our own inner dialogue and drama and really being there for another person. We allow the person to say whatever it is they have in their mind. We do not correct, interrupt, try to teach them something, or bring up other instances when they were wrong. Instead really listening means creating an environment where the other feels and is "heard".
So often we do not "hear" the other, but only hear the voices in our own mind. We have personal agendas for how they should be acting and what we want them to say. Unless we drop those agendas, we can never really become close or know the person we are with. Here is a secret - when a person feels really listened to and heard, they always feel loved.
To practice this exercise - clear you mind and focus only upon your partner and what he is saying to you. Do not think of an answer, do not think of anything. Listen carefully and then at the right moment, paraphrase what he said to you, just so he knows you are with him and have heard what he said. For example, you could say, I heard you say that you feel you need more space. Don't comment upon this, analyze it, or anything. Just let him know he's been heard. Mirror to him the essence of what he's said. This will let him know you are with him, listening to him fully, not finding ways to criticize or change.
STEP 4 - ASKING AND RECEIVING
Ask for what you want and need. You give a great gift to the other by asking for what you really want. Many are afraid to ask for fear that if they let their partner know what they really want, they could be turned down. It requires the willingness to be open and vulnerable. Ask for what you want and what is important to you. You will be amazed at the fact that very often your partner had no idea.
Once you ask for what you want, allow yourself to receive it, and offer thanks. Many people take what is given without offering thanks, gratitude and acknowledgment of how much the gift meant to them. This leaves the giver feeling upset. Make sure you fully let your partner know how much the gift meant to you.
Now, of course, do the reverse. Find out what your partner truly wants and needs. See if you can give it to them. If you cannot, discuss it. Don't allow it to fester. Once something is honestly discussed, the two of you can make adjustments and move on. When two individuals feel known, heard and accepted, not only does the emotional intimacy grow, but a sense of wholeness and well-being develops alongside as well.
Although these steps are simple they are extremely powerful. Try one today and see. If you do them day after day, it is impossible not to find the bond deepening naturally.
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and has run over 500 workshops and helped thousands become strong, stable and fulfilled. Contact her at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. Her personal
website is: http://www.brendashoshanna.com/
Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
2007-04-29
How To Reject Rejection
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna[Self-Improvement:Attraction]
Article:
Rejection is one of the most painful experiences in relationships. Not only rejection from our partner, but also rejection from ourselves. As soon as some feel their partner is finding fault with them, they quickly begin to reject themselves. Their sense of self-worth and lovability is directly linked to how their partner feels about them. When an individual is in an abusive relationship, where rejection and fault finding is on-going, it is not unusual for them to completely lose confidence in themselves and their ability to ever love again.
But let’s look at this more closely. What is really happening when a person is feeling rejected? Is it really due to the behavior of their partner, or is it that they are now down on themselves? When a person feels really secure and good about themselves, it doesn’t matter how anyone else treats them or what they do or say. Here is a basic law of love. When you thoroughly absorb this and practice it in your relationships, your sense of self worth and equilibrium automatically grows.
How A Person Treats You Says More About Them Then About You
Negative behavior from your partner reflects on them, not you. It is their difficulty they are expressing. Never take it personally. When you take it personally, it simply means that now you are agreeing with their negativity and rejecting yourself.
The Dynamics Of Rejection If we look more closely we can discover that rejection is a common occurrence. Many of us are involved in it on an on-going basis. From morning to night, we complain, judge, condemn and basically reject most of what life brings to us. We want one thing and get another. We enjoy warm weather and it always rains. We want our partner to behave in one way and they do the opposite. We can even start to feel there’s something wrong with everyone we meet, that we have to fix, change or instruct them. This keeps us feeling separate and alone. What we do not see is that we ourselves have set into motion this experience of rejection.
Guideline: Stopping Rejection
If you are being rejected a lot, take time to notice the ways in which you reject yourself or others. Then stop it. Turn it around. Look for what is good or right about the person or situation in front of you. Look for what is good and right about yourself.
Do Not Look For The Faults Of Others
Loneliness and upset in our relationships comes from projecting our faults onto others, and then rejecting them. It also comes from others doing the same to us. When we do this, we then spend most of our time trying to change and control others or ourselves. This never, ever makes for happy relationships where both parties can be themselves, feel wanted and naturally grow.
When we catch ourselves being rejected or rejecting others, we can stop this process by taking responsibility for what is happening. We can immediately look for our part in how we are perceiving others - and ourselves.
Here are 2 more laws of love:
1) The more we value, like and appreciate ourselves, the less we will be affected by rejection.
2) The more we value, like and appreciate others, the less they will reject us.
The experience of acceptance and oneness is what everyone desires. Give that to others and give it to yourself. In order to do this we must realize that whoever appears before us, is simply another face of ourselves. Judgment or the desire to change them is not necessary. Curiosity is a better response.
As we allow others to be who they are, and view them with understanding the mind that accepts develops in us. This mind is your greatest asset.. The mind that accepts provides a positive outlook that nurtures and upholds all life.
This may take a little time and practice, but it is well worth it. As we practice this kind of open-heartedness it will soon become obvious that the way we treat others is also the way we treat ourselves. The more we accept others, the happier, healthier and more fulfilled our lives and relationships will be.
SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP (www.truthaboutlove.com) is a ground-breaking relationship counseling program. It unlocks to the proven methods to overcoming the most difficult relationship problems.
Written by Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.
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Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
2007-04-26
From Anger to Peace of Mind
6 Steps To Releasing Anger and Feeling Good Again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anger is a lethal force that undermines our lives in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it erupts openly and other times it camouflages itself and covertly undermines your life. Some experience anger as strength and power. They feel it is necessary in order to maintain control. Others assume they have the right to express anger. These are some of the lies anger tells us.
In fact, when we are angry we are out of control and our ability to respond wisely is diminished. It's time to look at anger in a new way and understand what it really is. Then we can take new steps that help us of anger, make us feel better, and see clearly what to do.
Step 1: Realize that anger is a choice you make
Anger is not a form of power, strength, or control. It is a toxin, which sometimes provides a temporary high. After this high subsides, the individual is left weaker and more uncertain than before. Not only that, the negative consequences of our outburst have to be handled. Basically anger narrows our focus, creates confusion and limits our ability to find constructive solutions.
When anger arises, stop, breathe deeply, and immediately look at the larger perspective. Put the incident in context.
For a moment, allow the other person to be "right". Tell yourself you have plenty of time to be right later. Your main goal is to have the anger subside so you can be in control.
Step 2: Pinpoint the 24 forms of anger.
Anger camouflages itself and manifests in many ways. Unrecognized anger turns into all kinds of unwanted behavior that become impossible to stop. We have to become aware that this behavior is just another form of anger and pull it out at the root.
Some of the 24 forms of anger are: depression, hypocrisy, self- sabotage, low self- esteem, burnout, passive aggressive behavior, compulsions, perfectionism, gossiping, lying, and various addictions. When you realize that these are being fueled by anger, you can take appropriate steps to handle them.
Step 3: Give Up Being A Martyr - Stop Giving and Taking Guilt
Most martyrs do not think of themselves as martyrs. They may describe themselves as long- suffering, giving much more than they get. There's a huge difference between giving and manipulation. Martyrs manipulate with guilt.
But guilt is a lethal toxin, fueled by anger. When you make someone feel guilty, you are harming them. When people feel guilty they find some way to punish themselves and others. Give up giving guilt and also give up taking it. Recognize this as a form of anger, which has no constructive outcome.
Step 4: Stop Casting Blame
Blaming others (and ourselves) is an expression of hurt, disappointment and anger and never leads to a constructive solution. Stop casting blame. By blaming others you are disempowering yourself. By taking responsibility you are taking back control. Stop a moment and see the situation through your opponent's eyes. When you do this blame dissolves on the spot.
The best defense against being hurt is to feel good about yourself and the way a person responds to you says more about them, than about you. As you stop casting blame you will be letting go of all kinds of resentments. Resentment inevitably affects our well-being and always bounces back on us. Look for and find what is positive in each individual. Focus on that.
Step 5 - Create Realistic Expectations
There is nothing that makes us more angry and hurt than expectations we've been holding onto that have not been met. It is important that you become aware of your expectations. Are they realistic? Does the other person hold similar expectations in your relationship?
Let go of unrealistic fantasies. Once this is done, much opportunity for anger diminishes on the spot.
Step 6 - Develop A Grateful Mind
See what different people in your lives are truly giving to you. We often take many things for granted and are even unaware of all that we are receiving day by day.
Take time to write down each day what you are receiving. Be grateful for that. Make a point of giving thanks. The more we thank others, the happier we become.
Also, take time to write down all that you have given others that day. It may be a surprise. We often think we are giving so much and receiving so little. This is a great cause of anger and feelings of deprivation. However, when we take time daily to look carefully, we are often surprised and how much we have received and how little given in return. As we see how much we receive daily, anger naturally subsides and we learn to take pleasure both in what we give and receive.
Cc/author/2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anger is a lethal force that undermines our lives in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it erupts openly and other times it camouflages itself and covertly undermines your life. Some experience anger as strength and power. They feel it is necessary in order to maintain control. Others assume they have the right to express anger. These are some of the lies anger tells us.
In fact, when we are angry we are out of control and our ability to respond wisely is diminished. It's time to look at anger in a new way and understand what it really is. Then we can take new steps that help us of anger, make us feel better, and see clearly what to do.
Step 1: Realize that anger is a choice you make
Anger is not a form of power, strength, or control. It is a toxin, which sometimes provides a temporary high. After this high subsides, the individual is left weaker and more uncertain than before. Not only that, the negative consequences of our outburst have to be handled. Basically anger narrows our focus, creates confusion and limits our ability to find constructive solutions.
When anger arises, stop, breathe deeply, and immediately look at the larger perspective. Put the incident in context.
For a moment, allow the other person to be "right". Tell yourself you have plenty of time to be right later. Your main goal is to have the anger subside so you can be in control.
Step 2: Pinpoint the 24 forms of anger.
Anger camouflages itself and manifests in many ways. Unrecognized anger turns into all kinds of unwanted behavior that become impossible to stop. We have to become aware that this behavior is just another form of anger and pull it out at the root.
Some of the 24 forms of anger are: depression, hypocrisy, self- sabotage, low self- esteem, burnout, passive aggressive behavior, compulsions, perfectionism, gossiping, lying, and various addictions. When you realize that these are being fueled by anger, you can take appropriate steps to handle them.
Step 3: Give Up Being A Martyr - Stop Giving and Taking Guilt
Most martyrs do not think of themselves as martyrs. They may describe themselves as long- suffering, giving much more than they get. There's a huge difference between giving and manipulation. Martyrs manipulate with guilt.
But guilt is a lethal toxin, fueled by anger. When you make someone feel guilty, you are harming them. When people feel guilty they find some way to punish themselves and others. Give up giving guilt and also give up taking it. Recognize this as a form of anger, which has no constructive outcome.
Step 4: Stop Casting Blame
Blaming others (and ourselves) is an expression of hurt, disappointment and anger and never leads to a constructive solution. Stop casting blame. By blaming others you are disempowering yourself. By taking responsibility you are taking back control. Stop a moment and see the situation through your opponent's eyes. When you do this blame dissolves on the spot.
The best defense against being hurt is to feel good about yourself and the way a person responds to you says more about them, than about you. As you stop casting blame you will be letting go of all kinds of resentments. Resentment inevitably affects our well-being and always bounces back on us. Look for and find what is positive in each individual. Focus on that.
Step 5 - Create Realistic Expectations
There is nothing that makes us more angry and hurt than expectations we've been holding onto that have not been met. It is important that you become aware of your expectations. Are they realistic? Does the other person hold similar expectations in your relationship?
Let go of unrealistic fantasies. Once this is done, much opportunity for anger diminishes on the spot.
Step 6 - Develop A Grateful Mind
See what different people in your lives are truly giving to you. We often take many things for granted and are even unaware of all that we are receiving day by day.
Take time to write down each day what you are receiving. Be grateful for that. Make a point of giving thanks. The more we thank others, the happier we become.
Also, take time to write down all that you have given others that day. It may be a surprise. We often think we are giving so much and receiving so little. This is a great cause of anger and feelings of deprivation. However, when we take time daily to look carefully, we are often surprised and how much we have received and how little given in return. As we see how much we receive daily, anger naturally subsides and we learn to take pleasure both in what we give and receive.
Cc/author/2007
Melt away toxic feelings and make your relationships all you want them to be in the award winning program The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living), McMeel. www.theangerdiet.com. Give up one form of anger a day and learn how to replace it with a healthy, life giving antidote.
Go On The Anger Diet And Start To Feel Good Today - Click here for get a copy
Go On The Anger Diet And Start To Feel Good Today - Click here for get a copy
2006-12-19
When Your Partner Strays (Why It Happens, What To Do)
by Dr. Shoshanna
Infidelity and the threat of it, is the largest single issue that threatens relationships. If the partner has actually been unfaithful, or even if there is a suggestion of interest in another, the marriage automatically goes into a crisis mode.
The basis of all good relationships is the ability to trust. It is not only the sexual betrayal but the fact of having been lied to that is so devastating. This break of trust takes time, patience and wisdom to repair. Rather than lapse into hurt and blame, it is absolutely necessary to understand and discuss what caused this breach to happen.
Understanding Infidelity
Often infidelity arises because certain needs in a marriage have not been met. Other times it arises as an act of resentment against the partner, or as a desire for freedom and adventure. Sometimes there are issues in the individual or in the relationship which have not been dealt with and which have simply festered. Rather than deal with them directly, the person then escapes the entire situation by getting involved with someone else.
Whether or not you stay in the relationship, it is necessary to uncover the true causes. Many women blame themselves for it and are often left feeling unattractive and unlovable. This negative reaction must be handled. When the woman understands the true causes of what happened, she will not be left with tattered self esteem. (The same is true for men).
The question often comes whether or not it is possible to repair the broken trust and go forward in the marriage after infidelity. If both individuals are willing to confront the issues, be open to honest communication, be respectful of one another, then the marriage can emerge even stronger than before.
Nevertheless, all must realize that this takes time, patience and commitment. The feelings of betrayal and suspiciousness may continue to go on for awhile. When they appear, it is necessary to address them and receive the reassurance needed once again. It is also necessary to create firm boundaries in the relationship that are adhered to and respected by both individuals.
Is it Cheating?
The question of what is infidelity has become much broader now, as individuals have such great access to others through the internet, where it is easy to satisfy wishes for companionship, fantasy or adventure. It is important to realize, however, that when we do not see or have to interact with another in person, when no demands are made of us, it is easy for fantasy relationships to develop. Due to the anonymity available individuals often feel that they can easily exchange intimacies that are not so easy to exchange in person. This stimulates a hotbed of fantasy and it is easy to feel one has someone in their life who cares and is there for them.
Online Relationships
Online relationships have become a common and easy way to find adventure and diffuse stress. Many wonder whether intimacies exchanged with strangers online constitutes an infidelity of some kind. This is a delicate question which must be answered individually by the couples themselves. Many feel disturbed and threatened by their partner sharing intimacies with strangers online.
Sharing intimacies with another in this manner has been called emotional infidelity, not having sex with another, but thinking of them, being with them in fantasy and withdrawing emotions from the marriage partner herself. There is a thin line here and it is crossed easily, so online relationships for those who are married need to be discussed, defined and boundaries set for them.
Again, one must question why this on-line relationship is gong on at all? How much intimacy is available in the marriage? One has to explore why this is happening at all.
Easy Access To Temptation
Unfortunately, due to its easy accessibility, many married men are found engaging in online porn. When their wives find out they feel utterly betrayed, threatened, unattractive, humiliated and insecure.
Sometimes they discover the online porn because their husband’s sexual desire for them has decreased and their lovemaking is much less frequent. Online porn can become and often is an addiction. It can be much harder to break than one first realizes. This kind of addiction does not necessarily arise because the husband feels that his wife is undesirable, but because it is so much easier to relate in a fantasy mode than with a real flesh and blood person. In fantasy, one does not have to meet the needs of the other, or prove themselves in anyway.
These fantasy situations can also provide all kinds of highs and excitement that a real flesh and blood relationship is not able to offer anymore. This can become a serious problem which requires professional help. In these cases, it is necessary to let your partner know that this behavior is unacceptable, unhealthy, bad for your sense of self esteem.
Set Firm Boundaries
Boundaries have to be firmly set here. Many men minimize their involvement with online porn, and do not realize the consequences this activity is having and what a threat it is to their relationship. Even though the man minimizes it, the woman must hold onto her own reality and need for respect. She must see to it that professional help is sought if he cannot stop by himself. The longer an addiction grows the harder it can be to let go of.
It is important to recognize these threats to your relationship for what they are, not blame yourself for them or brush them under the table, but to face them directly in a constructive and hopeful way. Blaming the self or blaming the other is never helpful and leads nowhere. Acceptance, communication and understanding, however, go a long way. Needless to say, both must be willing to work on this together.
If one partner is not willing to deal with it, then the other should seek help in making constructive choices for themselves. All relationships go through challenges. Whether they destroy your relationship or make it stronger, is up to both of you. It takes two to make this commitment, however. One person cannot do it alone.
Discover the surprising truths about love and how they can save your relationship in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book and program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), www.truthaboutlove.com. This program has helped thousands and it can help you too.
Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna
Infidelity and the threat of it, is the largest single issue that threatens relationships. If the partner has actually been unfaithful, or even if there is a suggestion of interest in another, the marriage automatically goes into a crisis mode.The basis of all good relationships is the ability to trust. It is not only the sexual betrayal but the fact of having been lied to that is so devastating. This break of trust takes time, patience and wisdom to repair. Rather than lapse into hurt and blame, it is absolutely necessary to understand and discuss what caused this breach to happen.
Understanding Infidelity
Often infidelity arises because certain needs in a marriage have not been met. Other times it arises as an act of resentment against the partner, or as a desire for freedom and adventure. Sometimes there are issues in the individual or in the relationship which have not been dealt with and which have simply festered. Rather than deal with them directly, the person then escapes the entire situation by getting involved with someone else.
Whether or not you stay in the relationship, it is necessary to uncover the true causes. Many women blame themselves for it and are often left feeling unattractive and unlovable. This negative reaction must be handled. When the woman understands the true causes of what happened, she will not be left with tattered self esteem. (The same is true for men).
The question often comes whether or not it is possible to repair the broken trust and go forward in the marriage after infidelity. If both individuals are willing to confront the issues, be open to honest communication, be respectful of one another, then the marriage can emerge even stronger than before.
Nevertheless, all must realize that this takes time, patience and commitment. The feelings of betrayal and suspiciousness may continue to go on for awhile. When they appear, it is necessary to address them and receive the reassurance needed once again. It is also necessary to create firm boundaries in the relationship that are adhered to and respected by both individuals.
Is it Cheating?
The question of what is infidelity has become much broader now, as individuals have such great access to others through the internet, where it is easy to satisfy wishes for companionship, fantasy or adventure. It is important to realize, however, that when we do not see or have to interact with another in person, when no demands are made of us, it is easy for fantasy relationships to develop. Due to the anonymity available individuals often feel that they can easily exchange intimacies that are not so easy to exchange in person. This stimulates a hotbed of fantasy and it is easy to feel one has someone in their life who cares and is there for them.
Online Relationships
Online relationships have become a common and easy way to find adventure and diffuse stress. Many wonder whether intimacies exchanged with strangers online constitutes an infidelity of some kind. This is a delicate question which must be answered individually by the couples themselves. Many feel disturbed and threatened by their partner sharing intimacies with strangers online.
Sharing intimacies with another in this manner has been called emotional infidelity, not having sex with another, but thinking of them, being with them in fantasy and withdrawing emotions from the marriage partner herself. There is a thin line here and it is crossed easily, so online relationships for those who are married need to be discussed, defined and boundaries set for them.
Again, one must question why this on-line relationship is gong on at all? How much intimacy is available in the marriage? One has to explore why this is happening at all.
Easy Access To Temptation
Unfortunately, due to its easy accessibility, many married men are found engaging in online porn. When their wives find out they feel utterly betrayed, threatened, unattractive, humiliated and insecure.
Sometimes they discover the online porn because their husband’s sexual desire for them has decreased and their lovemaking is much less frequent. Online porn can become and often is an addiction. It can be much harder to break than one first realizes. This kind of addiction does not necessarily arise because the husband feels that his wife is undesirable, but because it is so much easier to relate in a fantasy mode than with a real flesh and blood person. In fantasy, one does not have to meet the needs of the other, or prove themselves in anyway.
These fantasy situations can also provide all kinds of highs and excitement that a real flesh and blood relationship is not able to offer anymore. This can become a serious problem which requires professional help. In these cases, it is necessary to let your partner know that this behavior is unacceptable, unhealthy, bad for your sense of self esteem.
Set Firm Boundaries
Boundaries have to be firmly set here. Many men minimize their involvement with online porn, and do not realize the consequences this activity is having and what a threat it is to their relationship. Even though the man minimizes it, the woman must hold onto her own reality and need for respect. She must see to it that professional help is sought if he cannot stop by himself. The longer an addiction grows the harder it can be to let go of.
It is important to recognize these threats to your relationship for what they are, not blame yourself for them or brush them under the table, but to face them directly in a constructive and hopeful way. Blaming the self or blaming the other is never helpful and leads nowhere. Acceptance, communication and understanding, however, go a long way. Needless to say, both must be willing to work on this together.
If one partner is not willing to deal with it, then the other should seek help in making constructive choices for themselves. All relationships go through challenges. Whether they destroy your relationship or make it stronger, is up to both of you. It takes two to make this commitment, however. One person cannot do it alone.
Discover the surprising truths about love and how they can save your relationship in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book and program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), www.truthaboutlove.com. This program has helped thousands and it can help you too.
Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna
2006-12-12
4 Secrets Men Keep And Why You Should Let Them
Many of us believe that if we are close to our man, we should know everything he is thinking, the secrets he keeps are little enemies, tearing us apart. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is absolutely necessary for each person in a relationship to have their own personal world, their thoughts, feelings and boundaries that belong to them and no one else.
Being close doesn’t mean being “fused” into one person. It means loving, honoring and respecting the other and sharing what it is that can be shared. If a man (or woman) feels that there is no room for them to have their own thoughts and experiences while in a relationship, they can easily feel that their individuality and sense of self is slipping away. Needless to say, a good relationship not only brings two people closer, but enhances each person’s sense of self worth and individuality. Here are 5 secrets that men often keep to themselves, and why it is important to let them do so.
1)That he looks at and is attracted to other women.
Don’t pry into this. Some women keep asking their man whether or not he is attracted to other women. A man who doesn’t look at anyone, or feel anything for them is either very old, very tired or lying. There is nothing wrong for a man to look at and admire other women, as long as he does it discretely, and not make a show of it before others or before you - as long as he doesn’t use it to make you insecure or competitive with the other women.
Looking at and responding to others doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you desirable, or that he’s comparing you. Most men fuel their sexuality and fantasies by looking at and admiring others. If you ask them to talk about it, not only will it make you nervous, but they can often feel shamed, embarrassed and exposed, unable to do what they do naturally, without being censured. Enjoy his love for you and leave well enough alone.
2)Details of his past relationships.
Some women become obsessed with finding out everything about their man’s past relationships. They need to know if they measure up, if he’s as happy with them as he was with others, what went wrong in the past relationships, or if he’s really over a past love. There’s no need to probe this, however. He was a different man in the past. Don’t hold his past wrongs against him. He doesn’t want to be reminded of them, and particularly doesn’t want you to see him in a bad light. Let him be who is he now.
Let him feel good about how he is with you, not be dragged past into memories of other people or of what did or did not do. The best way for him to forget old girlfriends is to feel happy, close and safe with you. Because he loved once, does not mean he cannot love again now. When we let the past be the past that is where it will stay.
3)Exactly how happy he is in relationship?
Many women just can’t wait to get around to the “relationship” discussion. They want to know how he’s feeling about things in general, and at some point or another, sit him down to get all the details. This makes most men feel pressured, on the line and restless. They don’t know exactly what you want them to tell you or what it’s going to mean. Some fear repercussions for what they say. Communication that’s healthy in a relationship is on-going. It’s good to set up a situation where both of you can express your feelings as they arise – have them heard and attended to.
Sitting down for an “intense” discussion is not something most men are comfortable doing. It makes them feel judged and criticized and if it happens too often, can easily make them drift away.
4)If he enjoys being with his friends more than being with you?
Many women become possessive of their man’s attention and resentful of time spent away from them, particularly nights out with the guys or any time spent with other friends, having a good time. The women want to be included in everything as proof of his love for them. When the guy has spent time with his buddies, they want to know if he enjoyed that time more than being with them. It is a bad idea to question him about this, or make him feel that he has to choose. Time spent with buddies is crucial for many men, it is a time of male bonding that is greatly needed, no matter how much he cares for you.
Some women interfere with her man’s friendships and even his relationship with his family, she feels so threatened. But truly loving someone means allowing them to be all of whom they are – fulfilling all their needs and realizing that no matter how much they love you they also need others in their lives.
Being close doesn’t mean being “fused” into one person. It means loving, honoring and respecting the other and sharing what it is that can be shared. If a man (or woman) feels that there is no room for them to have their own thoughts and experiences while in a relationship, they can easily feel that their individuality and sense of self is slipping away. Needless to say, a good relationship not only brings two people closer, but enhances each person’s sense of self worth and individuality. Here are 5 secrets that men often keep to themselves, and why it is important to let them do so.
1)That he looks at and is attracted to other women.
Don’t pry into this. Some women keep asking their man whether or not he is attracted to other women. A man who doesn’t look at anyone, or feel anything for them is either very old, very tired or lying. There is nothing wrong for a man to look at and admire other women, as long as he does it discretely, and not make a show of it before others or before you - as long as he doesn’t use it to make you insecure or competitive with the other women.
Looking at and responding to others doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you desirable, or that he’s comparing you. Most men fuel their sexuality and fantasies by looking at and admiring others. If you ask them to talk about it, not only will it make you nervous, but they can often feel shamed, embarrassed and exposed, unable to do what they do naturally, without being censured. Enjoy his love for you and leave well enough alone.
2)Details of his past relationships.
Some women become obsessed with finding out everything about their man’s past relationships. They need to know if they measure up, if he’s as happy with them as he was with others, what went wrong in the past relationships, or if he’s really over a past love. There’s no need to probe this, however. He was a different man in the past. Don’t hold his past wrongs against him. He doesn’t want to be reminded of them, and particularly doesn’t want you to see him in a bad light. Let him be who is he now.
Let him feel good about how he is with you, not be dragged past into memories of other people or of what did or did not do. The best way for him to forget old girlfriends is to feel happy, close and safe with you. Because he loved once, does not mean he cannot love again now. When we let the past be the past that is where it will stay.
3)Exactly how happy he is in relationship?
Many women just can’t wait to get around to the “relationship” discussion. They want to know how he’s feeling about things in general, and at some point or another, sit him down to get all the details. This makes most men feel pressured, on the line and restless. They don’t know exactly what you want them to tell you or what it’s going to mean. Some fear repercussions for what they say. Communication that’s healthy in a relationship is on-going. It’s good to set up a situation where both of you can express your feelings as they arise – have them heard and attended to.
Sitting down for an “intense” discussion is not something most men are comfortable doing. It makes them feel judged and criticized and if it happens too often, can easily make them drift away.
4)If he enjoys being with his friends more than being with you?
Many women become possessive of their man’s attention and resentful of time spent away from them, particularly nights out with the guys or any time spent with other friends, having a good time. The women want to be included in everything as proof of his love for them. When the guy has spent time with his buddies, they want to know if he enjoyed that time more than being with them. It is a bad idea to question him about this, or make him feel that he has to choose. Time spent with buddies is crucial for many men, it is a time of male bonding that is greatly needed, no matter how much he cares for you.
Some women interfere with her man’s friendships and even his relationship with his family, she feels so threatened. But truly loving someone means allowing them to be all of whom they are – fulfilling all their needs and realizing that no matter how much they love you they also need others in their lives.
When you have a truly healthy relationship, you are secure in his feelings for you, and want to see him happy and fulfilled with others. The more fulfilled he is, the more he can then give to you. Let the time he has with his buddies belong to him. Don’t question him about details, don’t make him feel guilty as though he is taking something away from you.
cc/author/2006
Discover the surprising truths about love and how they can heal your relationship in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book, Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), http://www.truthaboutlove.com
Discover the surprising truths about love and how they can heal your relationship in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book, Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), http://www.truthaboutlove.com
2006-11-28
How To Heal Your Relationship
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna
Article:
Many of us run into the same problems in relationships over and over. Even though we have a new partner, often nothing changes. It is natural to carry memories of all that has gone on in the past. For some these memories become wounds, for others, they become treasures. It is important to know how to heal past relationships, so that we can have a chance to start new and grow.
Building Bridges
When we try to block out the past from our lives, it arises again at the oddest times, causing old patterns to re-run. The art of healing our relationships is learning how to build a bridge between the person we are today and the person we used to be. Rather than hate old partners, or experiences, it is necessary to learn how to find the treasure each experience provided.
A Lesson In Each ExperienceThere is a valuable lesson in each experience. There is a way we can view what happened which will help us become strong. When we look for what each experience has taught us and apply the lesson, our entire life opens up. Then the past can make us strong. Each person we've encountered, (whether we liked them or not) becomes a bridge, a way to deepen the love and understanding we become capable of.
Yet, so few of us know how to do this. In a sense we are all like flowers longing for the light while we keep our petals closed, lost in sorrow and resentment. There is plenty of sun and light available, but if we are closed, we cannot let it in.
Making Peace
The crucial lesson we must learn is how to make peace with the pain we’ve gone through, and allows resentment and judgment to subside. Only then are we free to let new people and experiences into our world. Only then are we free to truly live in a present, which is constantly new.
To forgive means to give up – to give up judgment, blame resentment, revenge and cruelty of heart. It means finding a new way to understand what happened and take responsibility for our part in the dance. Beyond that, it means understanding that each person gave us what they could at that particular time of their lives. Our expectations and demands of them, are what have caused the pain. When we let one person “off the hook”, often to our surprise, we find our expectations and needs met by someone or something entirely new.
The crucial step in this process is to give up judging, rejecting or criticizing others. To stop labeling them as good or bad. Instead, it is crucial to look at our own expectations, and realize that we can never hope to have them all met by one person or another. It is up to us to reach within, find the kind spot in our hearts and help it grow. When our own loving hearts are fully developed, our expectations and demands of others lessen, and we are able to be more grateful and fulfilled by the many gifts life offers. We are also more able to attract that which is healthy and uplifting into our lives.
cc/author/2007
Discover more surprising truths about love that can heal your relationship in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), http://www.truthaboutlove.com.
2006-11-24
The Top Two Communication Problems, And How To Solve Them
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna
Article:
Without effective communication, no relationship stands a chance. We talk (and listen) all day long, but only a small part of our communication takes place in words. Most of the time we believe the other is listening to and understanding what we saying, but by and large, this is not the case. Most of the time the other person is planning what he or she will say back, or tuning out, or building up some kind of fantasy that has nothing to do with what is going on at that moment.When we are fighting, we want more than ever to be understood and words go flying back and forth like arrows. At this point, resolution to the problem can be far away.
So what are the secrets of effective communication? How do we truly get what we want and give each other what we need? Let's look at the top two communication problems and see how they can be solved. Once this is done, you'll be off to a wonderful start in building the kind of relationship you have always wanted.
Problem One: Wanting to Be Right and Prove the Other Wrong
Before you are able to communicate effectively, you must look carefully at your intention. Are you communicating in order to be understood, to get what you want, or do you have another intention behind the words you are saying? Many couples end up just wanting to prove that they are in the right and their partner is wrong (and always has been).
Article:
Without effective communication, no relationship stands a chance. We talk (and listen) all day long, but only a small part of our communication takes place in words. Most of the time we believe the other is listening to and understanding what we saying, but by and large, this is not the case. Most of the time the other person is planning what he or she will say back, or tuning out, or building up some kind of fantasy that has nothing to do with what is going on at that moment.When we are fighting, we want more than ever to be understood and words go flying back and forth like arrows. At this point, resolution to the problem can be far away.
So what are the secrets of effective communication? How do we truly get what we want and give each other what we need? Let's look at the top two communication problems and see how they can be solved. Once this is done, you'll be off to a wonderful start in building the kind of relationship you have always wanted.
Problem One: Wanting to Be Right and Prove the Other Wrong
Before you are able to communicate effectively, you must look carefully at your intention. Are you communicating in order to be understood, to get what you want, or do you have another intention behind the words you are saying? Many couples end up just wanting to prove that they are in the right and their partner is wrong (and always has been).
This is communication as war. These words are filled with anger and blame. They cause the other person to feel small, bad or inadequate. The words in these communications are never listened to. However what is read loud and clear is the anger and righteousness behind what is being said. To remedy this, decide that you will stop blaming each other, and give each other a chance to truly be heard. Decide you do not have to prove a case, but find a way to establish a bridge of mutual understanding. These intentions are tremendously helpful in allowing a relationship to succeed.
Problem Two: Not Being Able to Hear the Other Person
Remember, communication consists not only of talking, but also listening and hearing what is being said. We can do a whole workshop on the art of listening, but to start, it is crucial to realize that each person can only truly "hear" what is being said if they are willing to put aside their own point of view and really be available to know the heart and mind of the other. This is not as simple as it sounds. Many of us immediately interpret what we are hearing, and put it into a ready-made slot.
Problem Two: Not Being Able to Hear the Other Person
Remember, communication consists not only of talking, but also listening and hearing what is being said. We can do a whole workshop on the art of listening, but to start, it is crucial to realize that each person can only truly "hear" what is being said if they are willing to put aside their own point of view and really be available to know the heart and mind of the other. This is not as simple as it sounds. Many of us immediately interpret what we are hearing, and put it into a ready-made slot.
Others distort what is being said. Others pretend to listen, but are occupied with their own thoughts. A solution to this is to repeat to the other what you think they have said. Let them know how their communication is filtering through to you. Let them make adjustments to your version of their message. And finally, be willing to really hear what they mean.
cc/author/2006
Discover the suprising truths about love in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book, Save Your Relationship, (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com
2006-11-22
7 Steps For Melting Anger On The Spot
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna
Article:
Anger is a lethal force that undermines our lives in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it erupts openly and other times anger camouflages it and covertly undermines your life. Some experience anger as strength and power. They feel it is necessary in order to maintain control. Others assume they have the right to express anger towards those in their lives. These are some of the lies anger tells us. In fact, when we are angry we are out of control and our ability to respond wisely is diminished.
Here are 7 steps for handling anger on the spot.
Step 1: Realize that anger is a choice you make
Anger is not a form of power, strength, or control. It is a toxin. Sometimes it provides a temporary high. After this high subsides, we are left weaker and more uncertain than before. Not only that, there are often negative consequences that have to be handled.
Basically anger narrows your focus, creates confusion and limits your ability to find constructive solutions. When anger arises, stop, breathe deeply, and immediately look at the larger perspective. Put the incident in context. For a moment, allow the other person to be "right". Tell yourself you have plenty of time to be right later. Your main goal is to have the anger subside so you can see the whole picture clearly.
Step 2: Become aware of the 24 forms of anger
Anger camouflages itself and finds many covert ways of manifesting. Unrecognized anger turns into all kinds of unwanted behavior. When these behaviors are not understood it is very difficult to correct them. Awareness is important in making necessary changes.
Some of the 24 forms of anger are: depression, passive aggressive behavior, compulsions, perfectionism, gossiping and certain kinds of competition at the workplace. When you realize that these are being fuelled by anger, you can take appropriate steps to handle them.
Step 3: Start Relationship Balancing
Relationship Balancing is the natural flow of energy, support and inspiration between individuals. When this flow is balanced individuals operate at their maximum level. When the flow is blocked or out of balance, individuals become depressed, apathetic, sick and resentful. When one feels needed and acknowledged, there is no end to their ability to tap their full potential. Envision balanced relationships. Write down what this means to you and notice how it compares to the reality of your particular situation. This initial step provides a map and new focus. It provides a direction to move in.
Step 4: Discover Your Relationship Balancing Quotient
List each individual you interact with. Score each person on the following questions from 1-10. See for yourself what is going on.
a) I I feel at ease with this person.
b) I trust this person.
c) I communicate naturally with this person.
d) I understand what they're communicating to me.
e) I am able to ask this person for what I want from them.
f) I am able to give this person what they want from me.
Assess exactly what is going on in your important relationships. Take a look at what you want from each relationship. Separate your needs and wants. Start communicating your feelings in a responsible manner and asking for what you really need and want. Start truly listening to the other, to who they actually are, not your images or agendas for them.
We can often be in a relationship with a person for a long time and not even begin to know who they truly are. As you begin taking the steps above, you will make natural adjustments in getting this relationship back on track.
Step 5: Stop Casting Blame
Blaming others is one of the largest factors in causing imbalance in your relationships and keeping the anger going. Stop casting blame. By blaming others you are disempowering yourself. By taking responsibility you are taking back control. Stop a moment and see the situation through your opponent's eyes. When you do this blame dissolves on the spot. Also, remember, the best defense against being hurt is to feel good about yourself and the way a person responds to you says more about them, than about you.
As you stop casting blame you will be letting go of all kinds of resentments. Resentment inevitably affects our well-being and always bounces back on us. Look for and find what is positive in each individual. Focus on that.
Step 6 - Create Realistic Expectations
There is nothing that makes us more angry and hurt than expectations we've been holding onto that have not been met. It is important that you become aware of what your expectations are for your relationships. Are they realistic? Does the other person hold expectations that are similar? Let go of unrealistic fantasies. Once this is done, much opportunity for anger diminishes on the spot.
Step 7 – Develop A Grateful Mind
See what different people in your lives are truly giving to you. We often take many things for granted and are even unaware of all that we are receiving day by day. Take time to write down each day what you are receiving. Be grateful for that. Make a point of giving thanks. The more we thank others, the happier we become. Also, take time to write down all that you have given others that day. It may be a surprise. We often think we are giving so much and receiving so little. This is a great cause of anger, deprivation and emptiness within. However, when we take time daily to write it down and look at it carefully, we are often surprised and how much we have received and how little given in return. As we look at it carefully, and balance these two activities, we learn to take pleasure both in what we have given and what has been received.
Anger is a lethal force that undermines our lives in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it erupts openly and other times anger camouflages it and covertly undermines your life. Some experience anger as strength and power. They feel it is necessary in order to maintain control. Others assume they have the right to express anger towards those in their lives. These are some of the lies anger tells us. In fact, when we are angry we are out of control and our ability to respond wisely is diminished.
Here are 7 steps for handling anger on the spot.
Step 1: Realize that anger is a choice you make
Anger is not a form of power, strength, or control. It is a toxin. Sometimes it provides a temporary high. After this high subsides, we are left weaker and more uncertain than before. Not only that, there are often negative consequences that have to be handled.
Basically anger narrows your focus, creates confusion and limits your ability to find constructive solutions. When anger arises, stop, breathe deeply, and immediately look at the larger perspective. Put the incident in context. For a moment, allow the other person to be "right". Tell yourself you have plenty of time to be right later. Your main goal is to have the anger subside so you can see the whole picture clearly.
Step 2: Become aware of the 24 forms of anger
Anger camouflages itself and finds many covert ways of manifesting. Unrecognized anger turns into all kinds of unwanted behavior. When these behaviors are not understood it is very difficult to correct them. Awareness is important in making necessary changes.
Some of the 24 forms of anger are: depression, passive aggressive behavior, compulsions, perfectionism, gossiping and certain kinds of competition at the workplace. When you realize that these are being fuelled by anger, you can take appropriate steps to handle them.
Step 3: Start Relationship Balancing
Relationship Balancing is the natural flow of energy, support and inspiration between individuals. When this flow is balanced individuals operate at their maximum level. When the flow is blocked or out of balance, individuals become depressed, apathetic, sick and resentful. When one feels needed and acknowledged, there is no end to their ability to tap their full potential. Envision balanced relationships. Write down what this means to you and notice how it compares to the reality of your particular situation. This initial step provides a map and new focus. It provides a direction to move in.
Step 4: Discover Your Relationship Balancing Quotient
List each individual you interact with. Score each person on the following questions from 1-10. See for yourself what is going on.
a) I I feel at ease with this person.
b) I trust this person.
c) I communicate naturally with this person.
d) I understand what they're communicating to me.
e) I am able to ask this person for what I want from them.
f) I am able to give this person what they want from me.
Assess exactly what is going on in your important relationships. Take a look at what you want from each relationship. Separate your needs and wants. Start communicating your feelings in a responsible manner and asking for what you really need and want. Start truly listening to the other, to who they actually are, not your images or agendas for them.
We can often be in a relationship with a person for a long time and not even begin to know who they truly are. As you begin taking the steps above, you will make natural adjustments in getting this relationship back on track.
Step 5: Stop Casting Blame
Blaming others is one of the largest factors in causing imbalance in your relationships and keeping the anger going. Stop casting blame. By blaming others you are disempowering yourself. By taking responsibility you are taking back control. Stop a moment and see the situation through your opponent's eyes. When you do this blame dissolves on the spot. Also, remember, the best defense against being hurt is to feel good about yourself and the way a person responds to you says more about them, than about you.
As you stop casting blame you will be letting go of all kinds of resentments. Resentment inevitably affects our well-being and always bounces back on us. Look for and find what is positive in each individual. Focus on that.
Step 6 - Create Realistic Expectations
There is nothing that makes us more angry and hurt than expectations we've been holding onto that have not been met. It is important that you become aware of what your expectations are for your relationships. Are they realistic? Does the other person hold expectations that are similar? Let go of unrealistic fantasies. Once this is done, much opportunity for anger diminishes on the spot.
Step 7 – Develop A Grateful Mind
See what different people in your lives are truly giving to you. We often take many things for granted and are even unaware of all that we are receiving day by day. Take time to write down each day what you are receiving. Be grateful for that. Make a point of giving thanks. The more we thank others, the happier we become. Also, take time to write down all that you have given others that day. It may be a surprise. We often think we are giving so much and receiving so little. This is a great cause of anger, deprivation and emptiness within. However, when we take time daily to write it down and look at it carefully, we are often surprised and how much we have received and how little given in return. As we look at it carefully, and balance these two activities, we learn to take pleasure both in what we have given and what has been received.
Watch stress melt away on Dr Shoshanna's award wininng program The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living), http://www.theangerdiet.com.
Copyright (c) 2006 Brenda Shoshanna
Copyright (c) 2006 Brenda Shoshanna
2006-11-19
Why It Is Impossible To Fail At Love
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna
Article:
So many times relationships start out wonderfully with a sense of happiness and excitement. The person feels as if we’ve found, “the one”. Then as time passes, before they know it, they begin to wonder where has the love gone? Many feel lost when this happens. They do not know what went wrong, how to correct misunderstandings or what steps need to be taken to make things right again.
It seems to many that love is a mystery. When one relationship ends, they fear they may not find someone new, or be able to love again. Or, even when they are trying as hard as they can, often unexpected obstacles arise in the relationship that cannot be overcome. Tremendous amounts of time, energy and emotion are wasted pondering this situation. In some cases, entire lives are de-railed. None of this is necessary.
Stop a moment and think about it. You would never try to build a building without first getting an architect’s plan. Without a strong foundation, any passing storm would easily knock the building down. The same is true of relationships.
So many jump into relationships wanting to fly to the heights without having any understanding at all of how to build a relationship with a foundation that will allow their love to stand tall and strong. They mistake all kinds of emotions, needs and fantasies for love.
However, just as an architect knows and respects the laws of gravity, we too must know and work with the basic laws of love. These laws operate unfailingly. They are the cornerstone of all relationships and guidelines for the human heart. Once we learn and apply the basic laws of love, it is truly impossible to fail at love. No matter what happens.
Unfortunately, rather than learn these simple laws, most have absorbed many myths and fantasies. They then suffer greatly when their dreams do not come to pass and either blame themselves and others. However, it is extremely important to realize that the only thing that causes hurt, loss, or distress in relationships are the fantasies we hold onto. Once we replace these fantasies with the simple laws of love, a whole new world opens. Confusion is cleared up and we naturally see the right steps to take.
To begin with, let us absorb this law #1. It is impossible to fail at love.
No one is a failure in love. Our mistakes, losses, confusion and mishaps do not arise because of love. They arise simply out of our ignorance of who we are and what love truly is. We then feel we don’t know where love is hiding or how to act to get and keep it. So, of course, we’ll try anything.
All of this can be easily corrected. To begin we need to realize that if we have pain, suffering and upset relationships, none of it is caused by love. Once we learn what love is and how to practice it, we simply cannot fall down again.
Love brings fulfillment, healing, kindness, warmth and inspiration. Let us separate truth from error here. If this is not what's going on in your relationship, it is not an expression of love. But it is easy to save your relationship. Let us learn how to build relationships that are based on a strong foundation, that show us how to be all we were meant to be, relationships that can never fall apart.
Article:
So many times relationships start out wonderfully with a sense of happiness and excitement. The person feels as if we’ve found, “the one”. Then as time passes, before they know it, they begin to wonder where has the love gone? Many feel lost when this happens. They do not know what went wrong, how to correct misunderstandings or what steps need to be taken to make things right again.
It seems to many that love is a mystery. When one relationship ends, they fear they may not find someone new, or be able to love again. Or, even when they are trying as hard as they can, often unexpected obstacles arise in the relationship that cannot be overcome. Tremendous amounts of time, energy and emotion are wasted pondering this situation. In some cases, entire lives are de-railed. None of this is necessary.
Stop a moment and think about it. You would never try to build a building without first getting an architect’s plan. Without a strong foundation, any passing storm would easily knock the building down. The same is true of relationships.
So many jump into relationships wanting to fly to the heights without having any understanding at all of how to build a relationship with a foundation that will allow their love to stand tall and strong. They mistake all kinds of emotions, needs and fantasies for love.
However, just as an architect knows and respects the laws of gravity, we too must know and work with the basic laws of love. These laws operate unfailingly. They are the cornerstone of all relationships and guidelines for the human heart. Once we learn and apply the basic laws of love, it is truly impossible to fail at love. No matter what happens.
Unfortunately, rather than learn these simple laws, most have absorbed many myths and fantasies. They then suffer greatly when their dreams do not come to pass and either blame themselves and others. However, it is extremely important to realize that the only thing that causes hurt, loss, or distress in relationships are the fantasies we hold onto. Once we replace these fantasies with the simple laws of love, a whole new world opens. Confusion is cleared up and we naturally see the right steps to take.
To begin with, let us absorb this law #1. It is impossible to fail at love.
No one is a failure in love. Our mistakes, losses, confusion and mishaps do not arise because of love. They arise simply out of our ignorance of who we are and what love truly is. We then feel we don’t know where love is hiding or how to act to get and keep it. So, of course, we’ll try anything.
All of this can be easily corrected. To begin we need to realize that if we have pain, suffering and upset relationships, none of it is caused by love. Once we learn what love is and how to practice it, we simply cannot fall down again.
Love brings fulfillment, healing, kindness, warmth and inspiration. Let us separate truth from error here. If this is not what's going on in your relationship, it is not an expression of love. But it is easy to save your relationship. Let us learn how to build relationships that are based on a strong foundation, that show us how to be all we were meant to be, relationships that can never fall apart.
2006-11-18
How To Grow A Zen Child
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna
When children are raised naturally, in keeping with their own true hearts, there is nothing that we need to teach them.In fact, the children then become our teachers, reminding us of what is important in life, showing us how to express love and feel the simple adventure of being alive.
To grow a Zen child, means to raise a healthy, expressive, creative child--a child easily in touch with who they truly are. This child is naturally curious about life, experiencing each day as an adventure, going to sleep happy at night. This is a child to whom sharing comes naturally, who can laugh when things are funny and cry when they're sad, who is not terrified of the consequences of their behavior or focused unnecessarily upon reactions of adults. This child then becomes strong and stable, able to weather all kinds of conflicting demands and pressures.
Actually, all of Zen practice comes simply to teach us how to become a child once again. Not how to become childish, but child-like, how to tap the natural knowingness, resources and spontaneity we were all born with, to find delight in our days and share it with others.
In order to grow a Zen child certain basic steps need to be honored and taken. These steps are not difficult though they may be different from the ways in which we have usually been trained to think about child-rearing.
Some Steps To Growing A Zen Child
1) Honor The Child's Natural Wisdom And Gifts
Most of us feel that we have to fill our children with information, knowledge, skills, direction. From the moment they are born we must "mold" them in the right direction, so that they will grow to fulfill our values and images of a successful adult. We do not stop a moment and question how these images have impacted upon us, how fulfilled and whole our lives are. We teach our children much more by who we are than by what we preach.
All children have their own innate wisdom, rhythms, sense of exploration, and ability to express what is most dear to them. Our job as caretakers is to create a loving, safe environment in which both we and they can discover who they are. Raising children, (like Zen practice) is a process of discovery. We must take our lead from the children, not impose ourselves upon them.
When children feel so deeply respected, all that is best and natural emerges easily. Their full intelligence and abilities become available to them. This kind of child will not become aggressive, distracted and filled with all kinds of fears. When a being's basic nature is not interfered with, it becomes empowered to function at its best.
2) Don't Compare Your Child With Others
Conformity and competition have become a craze (and plague) in our nation and in the process of child rearing. Nothing could be worse for both the parents and children. Comparing your child's progress, scores or abilities with those of other children tell you absolutely nothing about who he/she is, or how they will do in their lives. There are many ways and timetables for developing, and different gifts and abilities that different children have.
Remember that being different doesn't mean being better or worse. Many kinds of trees and flowers are needed in a garden. An apple tree will produce the best possible apples, don't force it to give you pears. Not only will that distort it's growth, but it will make the apple tree very sad. A garden with only one kind of flower would become uninteresting. Just as we need roses, tulips, lilies, etc. for the garden to be complete, we need all kinds of different children to make a whole world.
3) Allow Your Child To Express Who She Is
There are many, many constrictions placed upon what children are allowed to express. There is a demand for politeness, control and censure coupled with the intrinsic notion that certain thoughts and feelings are bad and cannot or should not be expressed. The child develops the sense that certain parts of them are bad and unacceptable. This causes these parts to go underground, and become the source of symptoms of all kinds.
Help the child find a way to communicate and express whatever he/she is going through. It can be done through words, song, art, plays, dancing together, planting flowers. Make sure you find a way to let them know you truly hear what it is they need to say. The child’s self worth will then grow.
4) Look For And See The Best In All The Child Does
Rather than find fault, criticize, punish and negate the child in the thousands of ways we usually do, specifically look for and see the best in the child and all that they do. Acknowledge it to them as well. Everyday let the child know something you are truly proud of them for and pleased with about them.
However, sadly, in many situations the opposite occurs, praise and acknowledgement is given rarely, in a context of criticism and complaint. Turn this around. Let the child realize that though they may have made an error, the totality of who they are is wonderful.
You can also ask them what they are pleased with and proud of about you. If there is something troubling them in the relationship, this is a time it will come to the fore. There is nothing more crucial than keeping open lines of full communication between parents and child.
5) Grow Yourself!
Of course as parents grow a Zen child, they are simultaneously growing themselves. The way we treat another, reflects back upon us. The beauty and goodness we find in another, we begin to see wherever we go. As we loosen the bonds and chains we tie our children in, we are always freeing ourselves as well. Power struggles disappear in these kinds of relationships, and make lots of room for love to grow.
When children are raised naturally, in keeping with their own true hearts, there is nothing that we need to teach them.In fact, the children then become our teachers, reminding us of what is important in life, showing us how to express love and feel the simple adventure of being alive.To grow a Zen child, means to raise a healthy, expressive, creative child--a child easily in touch with who they truly are. This child is naturally curious about life, experiencing each day as an adventure, going to sleep happy at night. This is a child to whom sharing comes naturally, who can laugh when things are funny and cry when they're sad, who is not terrified of the consequences of their behavior or focused unnecessarily upon reactions of adults. This child then becomes strong and stable, able to weather all kinds of conflicting demands and pressures.
Actually, all of Zen practice comes simply to teach us how to become a child once again. Not how to become childish, but child-like, how to tap the natural knowingness, resources and spontaneity we were all born with, to find delight in our days and share it with others.
In order to grow a Zen child certain basic steps need to be honored and taken. These steps are not difficult though they may be different from the ways in which we have usually been trained to think about child-rearing.
Some Steps To Growing A Zen Child
1) Honor The Child's Natural Wisdom And Gifts
Most of us feel that we have to fill our children with information, knowledge, skills, direction. From the moment they are born we must "mold" them in the right direction, so that they will grow to fulfill our values and images of a successful adult. We do not stop a moment and question how these images have impacted upon us, how fulfilled and whole our lives are. We teach our children much more by who we are than by what we preach.
All children have their own innate wisdom, rhythms, sense of exploration, and ability to express what is most dear to them. Our job as caretakers is to create a loving, safe environment in which both we and they can discover who they are. Raising children, (like Zen practice) is a process of discovery. We must take our lead from the children, not impose ourselves upon them.
When children feel so deeply respected, all that is best and natural emerges easily. Their full intelligence and abilities become available to them. This kind of child will not become aggressive, distracted and filled with all kinds of fears. When a being's basic nature is not interfered with, it becomes empowered to function at its best.
2) Don't Compare Your Child With Others
Conformity and competition have become a craze (and plague) in our nation and in the process of child rearing. Nothing could be worse for both the parents and children. Comparing your child's progress, scores or abilities with those of other children tell you absolutely nothing about who he/she is, or how they will do in their lives. There are many ways and timetables for developing, and different gifts and abilities that different children have.
Remember that being different doesn't mean being better or worse. Many kinds of trees and flowers are needed in a garden. An apple tree will produce the best possible apples, don't force it to give you pears. Not only will that distort it's growth, but it will make the apple tree very sad. A garden with only one kind of flower would become uninteresting. Just as we need roses, tulips, lilies, etc. for the garden to be complete, we need all kinds of different children to make a whole world.
3) Allow Your Child To Express Who She Is
There are many, many constrictions placed upon what children are allowed to express. There is a demand for politeness, control and censure coupled with the intrinsic notion that certain thoughts and feelings are bad and cannot or should not be expressed. The child develops the sense that certain parts of them are bad and unacceptable. This causes these parts to go underground, and become the source of symptoms of all kinds.
Help the child find a way to communicate and express whatever he/she is going through. It can be done through words, song, art, plays, dancing together, planting flowers. Make sure you find a way to let them know you truly hear what it is they need to say. The child’s self worth will then grow.
4) Look For And See The Best In All The Child Does
Rather than find fault, criticize, punish and negate the child in the thousands of ways we usually do, specifically look for and see the best in the child and all that they do. Acknowledge it to them as well. Everyday let the child know something you are truly proud of them for and pleased with about them.
However, sadly, in many situations the opposite occurs, praise and acknowledgement is given rarely, in a context of criticism and complaint. Turn this around. Let the child realize that though they may have made an error, the totality of who they are is wonderful.
You can also ask them what they are pleased with and proud of about you. If there is something troubling them in the relationship, this is a time it will come to the fore. There is nothing more crucial than keeping open lines of full communication between parents and child.
5) Grow Yourself!
Of course as parents grow a Zen child, they are simultaneously growing themselves. The way we treat another, reflects back upon us. The beauty and goodness we find in another, we begin to see wherever we go. As we loosen the bonds and chains we tie our children in, we are always freeing ourselves as well. Power struggles disappear in these kinds of relationships, and make lots of room for love to grow.
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