FOUR WAYS TO BECOME CLOSER
DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
Even when they are in relationships, many wish to become closer to their partners and share quality time that is truly intimate. They want to feel free to express all of themselves. Although many try in all kinds of ways, it is helpful to learn some direct steps, which open emotional doors between partners and deepen the bond they share.
The heart and soul of intimacy begins with communication. However, few really know how to listen, or how to find the right time or way to express what is inside. Some communicate to control, manipulate, or be right. Others communicate to present an image of who they are, to impress and gain approval. Their communication creates a wall that doesn't let another in. No matter how many gifts they give to their partner, it never seems to be enough. Of course the real gift everyone wants is to be truly known and heard.
True emotional intimacy begins with willingness to be who you are - to express yourself honestly and fully and to know that your partner is able to accept you as you are. This also includes the reverse - your being able to really listen, understand and accept your partner and what he needs to share.
Many relationships are based upon an on-going struggle to fix or change the other person. They are not good enough as they are. This struggle blocks intimacy as the partner always feels criticized in some way. The greatest barrier to emotional intimacy is the feeling that we have to be someone different than who we are.
The following simple steps open the way for intimacy. They allow you to practice a communication that sets up an atmosphere in which intimacy can grow. These exercises are simple and yet powerful. They will help you to make friends with both your partner and yourself.
1) ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER AS THEY ARE. (Accept yourself as you are as well).
Stop criticizing, complaining, and letting your partner know what's wrong with them, what's missing. Drop the desire to change them. When something happens that usually causes you to criticize or complain, just let it be as it is. Say to yourself, I will let this person be as they are and let go of my wish to control them. Watch how they begin to open up as this goes on.
STEP 2 - FOCUS ON WHAT'S RIGHT ABOUT YOUR PARTNER. LET THEM KNOW.
You fell in love with your partner for some reason. Focus upon what it is that drew you to them, the things they've done that make you happy. Then, tell them so. So often we communicate the complaints and keep the praise and acknowledgment silent. Start doing the reverse of this. Make a point of letting your partner know whenever he does something to please you, or when there is something about him that you genuinely like and respect. This is not flattery, but the process of acknowledgment. We usually think the person already knows what is good about them, but actually this is rarely so. It is crucial to "acknowledge" what is happening. Open up and tell them how they made you happy, or what about them you enjoy and respect. (This also lets our partner know what pleases and is meaningful to us).
STEP 3 - LISTENING WITH LOVE
Listening means, stopping our own inner dialogue and drama and really being there for another person. We allow the person to say whatever it is they have in their mind. We do not correct, interrupt, try to teach them something, or bring up other instances when they were wrong. Instead really listening means creating an environment where the other feels and is "heard".
So often we do not "hear" the other, but only hear the voices in our own mind. We have personal agendas for how they should be acting and what we want them to say. Unless we drop those agendas, we can never really become close or know the person we are with. Here is a secret - when a person feels really listened to and heard, they always feel loved.
To practice this exercise - clear you mind and focus only upon your partner and what he is saying to you. Do not think of an answer, do not think of anything. Listen carefully and then at the right moment, paraphrase what he said to you, just so he knows you are with him and have heard what he said. For example, you could say, I heard you say that you feel you need more space. Don't comment upon this, analyze it, or anything. Just let him know he's been heard. Mirror to him the essence of what he's said. This will let him know you are with him, listening to him fully, not finding ways to criticize or change.
STEP 4 - ASKING AND RECEIVING
Ask for what you want and need. You give a great gift to the other by asking for what you really want. Many are afraid to ask for fear that if they let their partner know what they really want, they could be turned down. It requires the willingness to be open and vulnerable. Ask for what you want and what is important to you. You will be amazed at the fact that very often your partner had no idea.
Once you ask for what you want, allow yourself to receive it, and offer thanks. Many people take what is given without offering thanks, gratitude and acknowledgment of how much the gift meant to them. This leaves the giver feeling upset. Make sure you fully let your partner know how much the gift meant to you.
Now, of course, do the reverse. Find out what your partner truly wants and needs. See if you can give it to them. If you cannot, discuss it. Don't allow it to fester. Once something is honestly discussed, the two of you can make adjustments and move on. When two individuals feel known, heard and accepted, not only does the emotional intimacy grow, but a sense of wholeness and well-being develops alongside as well.
Although these steps are simple they are extremely powerful. Try one today and see. If you do them day after day, it is impossible not to find the bond deepening naturally.
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and has run over 500 workshops and helped thousands become strong, stable and fulfilled. Contact her at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. Her personal
website is: http://www.brendashoshanna.com/
Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
2007-04-29
How To Reject Rejection
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna[Self-Improvement:Attraction]
Article:
Rejection is one of the most painful experiences in relationships. Not only rejection from our partner, but also rejection from ourselves. As soon as some feel their partner is finding fault with them, they quickly begin to reject themselves. Their sense of self-worth and lovability is directly linked to how their partner feels about them. When an individual is in an abusive relationship, where rejection and fault finding is on-going, it is not unusual for them to completely lose confidence in themselves and their ability to ever love again.
But let’s look at this more closely. What is really happening when a person is feeling rejected? Is it really due to the behavior of their partner, or is it that they are now down on themselves? When a person feels really secure and good about themselves, it doesn’t matter how anyone else treats them or what they do or say. Here is a basic law of love. When you thoroughly absorb this and practice it in your relationships, your sense of self worth and equilibrium automatically grows.
How A Person Treats You Says More About Them Then About You
Negative behavior from your partner reflects on them, not you. It is their difficulty they are expressing. Never take it personally. When you take it personally, it simply means that now you are agreeing with their negativity and rejecting yourself.
The Dynamics Of Rejection If we look more closely we can discover that rejection is a common occurrence. Many of us are involved in it on an on-going basis. From morning to night, we complain, judge, condemn and basically reject most of what life brings to us. We want one thing and get another. We enjoy warm weather and it always rains. We want our partner to behave in one way and they do the opposite. We can even start to feel there’s something wrong with everyone we meet, that we have to fix, change or instruct them. This keeps us feeling separate and alone. What we do not see is that we ourselves have set into motion this experience of rejection.
Guideline: Stopping Rejection
If you are being rejected a lot, take time to notice the ways in which you reject yourself or others. Then stop it. Turn it around. Look for what is good or right about the person or situation in front of you. Look for what is good and right about yourself.
Do Not Look For The Faults Of Others
Loneliness and upset in our relationships comes from projecting our faults onto others, and then rejecting them. It also comes from others doing the same to us. When we do this, we then spend most of our time trying to change and control others or ourselves. This never, ever makes for happy relationships where both parties can be themselves, feel wanted and naturally grow.
When we catch ourselves being rejected or rejecting others, we can stop this process by taking responsibility for what is happening. We can immediately look for our part in how we are perceiving others - and ourselves.
Here are 2 more laws of love:
1) The more we value, like and appreciate ourselves, the less we will be affected by rejection.
2) The more we value, like and appreciate others, the less they will reject us.
The experience of acceptance and oneness is what everyone desires. Give that to others and give it to yourself. In order to do this we must realize that whoever appears before us, is simply another face of ourselves. Judgment or the desire to change them is not necessary. Curiosity is a better response.
As we allow others to be who they are, and view them with understanding the mind that accepts develops in us. This mind is your greatest asset.. The mind that accepts provides a positive outlook that nurtures and upholds all life.
This may take a little time and practice, but it is well worth it. As we practice this kind of open-heartedness it will soon become obvious that the way we treat others is also the way we treat ourselves. The more we accept others, the happier, healthier and more fulfilled our lives and relationships will be.
SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP (www.truthaboutlove.com) is a ground-breaking relationship counseling program. It unlocks to the proven methods to overcoming the most difficult relationship problems.
Written by Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.
Blog Home Page
Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
2006-11-19
Why It Is Impossible To Fail At Love
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna
Article:
So many times relationships start out wonderfully with a sense of happiness and excitement. The person feels as if we’ve found, “the one”. Then as time passes, before they know it, they begin to wonder where has the love gone? Many feel lost when this happens. They do not know what went wrong, how to correct misunderstandings or what steps need to be taken to make things right again.
It seems to many that love is a mystery. When one relationship ends, they fear they may not find someone new, or be able to love again. Or, even when they are trying as hard as they can, often unexpected obstacles arise in the relationship that cannot be overcome. Tremendous amounts of time, energy and emotion are wasted pondering this situation. In some cases, entire lives are de-railed. None of this is necessary.
Stop a moment and think about it. You would never try to build a building without first getting an architect’s plan. Without a strong foundation, any passing storm would easily knock the building down. The same is true of relationships.
So many jump into relationships wanting to fly to the heights without having any understanding at all of how to build a relationship with a foundation that will allow their love to stand tall and strong. They mistake all kinds of emotions, needs and fantasies for love.
However, just as an architect knows and respects the laws of gravity, we too must know and work with the basic laws of love. These laws operate unfailingly. They are the cornerstone of all relationships and guidelines for the human heart. Once we learn and apply the basic laws of love, it is truly impossible to fail at love. No matter what happens.
Unfortunately, rather than learn these simple laws, most have absorbed many myths and fantasies. They then suffer greatly when their dreams do not come to pass and either blame themselves and others. However, it is extremely important to realize that the only thing that causes hurt, loss, or distress in relationships are the fantasies we hold onto. Once we replace these fantasies with the simple laws of love, a whole new world opens. Confusion is cleared up and we naturally see the right steps to take.
To begin with, let us absorb this law #1. It is impossible to fail at love.
No one is a failure in love. Our mistakes, losses, confusion and mishaps do not arise because of love. They arise simply out of our ignorance of who we are and what love truly is. We then feel we don’t know where love is hiding or how to act to get and keep it. So, of course, we’ll try anything.
All of this can be easily corrected. To begin we need to realize that if we have pain, suffering and upset relationships, none of it is caused by love. Once we learn what love is and how to practice it, we simply cannot fall down again.
Love brings fulfillment, healing, kindness, warmth and inspiration. Let us separate truth from error here. If this is not what's going on in your relationship, it is not an expression of love. But it is easy to save your relationship. Let us learn how to build relationships that are based on a strong foundation, that show us how to be all we were meant to be, relationships that can never fall apart.
Article:
So many times relationships start out wonderfully with a sense of happiness and excitement. The person feels as if we’ve found, “the one”. Then as time passes, before they know it, they begin to wonder where has the love gone? Many feel lost when this happens. They do not know what went wrong, how to correct misunderstandings or what steps need to be taken to make things right again.
It seems to many that love is a mystery. When one relationship ends, they fear they may not find someone new, or be able to love again. Or, even when they are trying as hard as they can, often unexpected obstacles arise in the relationship that cannot be overcome. Tremendous amounts of time, energy and emotion are wasted pondering this situation. In some cases, entire lives are de-railed. None of this is necessary.
Stop a moment and think about it. You would never try to build a building without first getting an architect’s plan. Without a strong foundation, any passing storm would easily knock the building down. The same is true of relationships.
So many jump into relationships wanting to fly to the heights without having any understanding at all of how to build a relationship with a foundation that will allow their love to stand tall and strong. They mistake all kinds of emotions, needs and fantasies for love.
However, just as an architect knows and respects the laws of gravity, we too must know and work with the basic laws of love. These laws operate unfailingly. They are the cornerstone of all relationships and guidelines for the human heart. Once we learn and apply the basic laws of love, it is truly impossible to fail at love. No matter what happens.
Unfortunately, rather than learn these simple laws, most have absorbed many myths and fantasies. They then suffer greatly when their dreams do not come to pass and either blame themselves and others. However, it is extremely important to realize that the only thing that causes hurt, loss, or distress in relationships are the fantasies we hold onto. Once we replace these fantasies with the simple laws of love, a whole new world opens. Confusion is cleared up and we naturally see the right steps to take.
To begin with, let us absorb this law #1. It is impossible to fail at love.
No one is a failure in love. Our mistakes, losses, confusion and mishaps do not arise because of love. They arise simply out of our ignorance of who we are and what love truly is. We then feel we don’t know where love is hiding or how to act to get and keep it. So, of course, we’ll try anything.
All of this can be easily corrected. To begin we need to realize that if we have pain, suffering and upset relationships, none of it is caused by love. Once we learn what love is and how to practice it, we simply cannot fall down again.
Love brings fulfillment, healing, kindness, warmth and inspiration. Let us separate truth from error here. If this is not what's going on in your relationship, it is not an expression of love. But it is easy to save your relationship. Let us learn how to build relationships that are based on a strong foundation, that show us how to be all we were meant to be, relationships that can never fall apart.
2006-11-16
How To Put An End To Loneliness
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna
Article:
Loneliness and separation are the real illness of our times. While we urgently need true communication, instead we often find withdrawal, games and lies. This is so widespread it is taken as the norm. So often we come away from one another filled with misunderstanding, wondering what really went on. Although we may not realize it, this confusion arises because we do not know who we really are or who the person we are with is either.
We get us many chances to set this right. Our entire life consists of building bridges. Each person we meet is another bridge, another link, a new way to deepen the love and understanding we can become capable of. Yet, so few of us know how to build this link - so few allow it. Or, if we do, it is only for a few precious moments only, and then we run away and hide.
The crucial bridge is the one, which allows another person into our world. But there are many obstacles in crossing this bridge. Usually our first response to another person is to judge, reject, or make some kind of criticism.
We meet someone and immediately label them. Instead of being a person, they become an object to us, a stranger, or opponent. In this way we separate ourselves from them. Then, we wonder why we feel so alone.
Games We Play
“Give up sirs, your proud airs, your many wishes, mannerisms and extravagant claims. They won't do you any good, sir! That's all I have to tell you.” Lao Tse
In order to put an end to the loneliness we feel, we must look at the roles and games we play—at the identities we cherish. These roles, dreams and images are often exactly what keep our loneliness going strong.
Most of us wear many hats, play many roles. In each hat we look and feel slightly different. These hats are comfortable. They ward off the wind, snow and rain. But sometimes one hat gets stuck on your head. You don't remember that you have just put it on for the afternoon, and that it’s hiding your true face. Roles
A role is a set of behaviors intended to project a certain kind of image to others and to ourselves. In each role we adopt certain behaviors, feelings and attitudes. These responses are built in automatically.
When we are thoroughly identified with a role we play, not only does this keep us from interacting with all kinds of people, and exploring all kinds of possibilities, but it keep us out of with what is truly going on. Instead of being real our lives become an elaborate performance. When this happens, loneliness is inevitable. This loneliness is not caused by a separation from others, but from true selves.
Roles can also be hypnotic. We can fall in love with a role or fantasy and begin to believe it is who we truly are. Or, more commonly, we can fall in love with someone who is playing out a role. (Here we are not falling in love with the person, but with the image or fantasy they create for us).
It can come as quite a shock to us when the person drops this role and we are face to face with who they really are, (this usually takes several months into the relationship, and then we start wondering, where the love has gone?)
Roles give us a sense of temporary security. Temporary security isn't bad, but it is only temporary and does not deal with our deeper needs, or with the inner emptiness we feel.
The biggest danger of being lost in role playing is that these roles may begin to take over. We can lose touch with the reality of what is going on. We lose touch with what we really feel, and may not even be able to see many possibilities for our lives that are available.
An incredible amount of misunderstanding and lack of communication comes from being glued to a particular role or sense of yourself. Unglue yourself a little. See if you can begin to separate yourself from the static role definition you have been living with.
Exercise: Freeing Yourself
What kind of roles, games or identities you cling to?
How does this affect your overall functioning?
How does this contribute to your sense of being lonely, estranged or separate from others?
Let go of one role, game or identity you usually play a day.
Just be who you are. Let yourself know how you feel and what is truly important to you.
As you do this day after day, you will become more connected to both yourself and the entire world.
Article:
Loneliness and separation are the real illness of our times. While we urgently need true communication, instead we often find withdrawal, games and lies. This is so widespread it is taken as the norm. So often we come away from one another filled with misunderstanding, wondering what really went on. Although we may not realize it, this confusion arises because we do not know who we really are or who the person we are with is either.
We get us many chances to set this right. Our entire life consists of building bridges. Each person we meet is another bridge, another link, a new way to deepen the love and understanding we can become capable of. Yet, so few of us know how to build this link - so few allow it. Or, if we do, it is only for a few precious moments only, and then we run away and hide.
The crucial bridge is the one, which allows another person into our world. But there are many obstacles in crossing this bridge. Usually our first response to another person is to judge, reject, or make some kind of criticism.
We meet someone and immediately label them. Instead of being a person, they become an object to us, a stranger, or opponent. In this way we separate ourselves from them. Then, we wonder why we feel so alone.
Games We Play
“Give up sirs, your proud airs, your many wishes, mannerisms and extravagant claims. They won't do you any good, sir! That's all I have to tell you.” Lao Tse
In order to put an end to the loneliness we feel, we must look at the roles and games we play—at the identities we cherish. These roles, dreams and images are often exactly what keep our loneliness going strong.
Most of us wear many hats, play many roles. In each hat we look and feel slightly different. These hats are comfortable. They ward off the wind, snow and rain. But sometimes one hat gets stuck on your head. You don't remember that you have just put it on for the afternoon, and that it’s hiding your true face. Roles
A role is a set of behaviors intended to project a certain kind of image to others and to ourselves. In each role we adopt certain behaviors, feelings and attitudes. These responses are built in automatically.
When we are thoroughly identified with a role we play, not only does this keep us from interacting with all kinds of people, and exploring all kinds of possibilities, but it keep us out of with what is truly going on. Instead of being real our lives become an elaborate performance. When this happens, loneliness is inevitable. This loneliness is not caused by a separation from others, but from true selves.
Roles can also be hypnotic. We can fall in love with a role or fantasy and begin to believe it is who we truly are. Or, more commonly, we can fall in love with someone who is playing out a role. (Here we are not falling in love with the person, but with the image or fantasy they create for us).
It can come as quite a shock to us when the person drops this role and we are face to face with who they really are, (this usually takes several months into the relationship, and then we start wondering, where the love has gone?)
Roles give us a sense of temporary security. Temporary security isn't bad, but it is only temporary and does not deal with our deeper needs, or with the inner emptiness we feel.
The biggest danger of being lost in role playing is that these roles may begin to take over. We can lose touch with the reality of what is going on. We lose touch with what we really feel, and may not even be able to see many possibilities for our lives that are available.
An incredible amount of misunderstanding and lack of communication comes from being glued to a particular role or sense of yourself. Unglue yourself a little. See if you can begin to separate yourself from the static role definition you have been living with.
Exercise: Freeing Yourself
What kind of roles, games or identities you cling to?
How does this affect your overall functioning?
How does this contribute to your sense of being lonely, estranged or separate from others?
Let go of one role, game or identity you usually play a day.
Just be who you are. Let yourself know how you feel and what is truly important to you.
As you do this day after day, you will become more connected to both yourself and the entire world.
* * * * * *
Discover the surprising truths about love and how they can save your relationship in Dr Shoshanna's e-program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), http://www.truthaboutlove.com
How To Keep Love Growing Through All The Ups And Downs
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna
Article:
We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they wonder if it’s possible to have the same success in love. Although things may start out wonderfully in the beginning, there is always the fear that it won’t last, that difficulties will arise, feelings will start to change. Then when things alter, as they naturally must, many have the mistaken idea that the love is disappearing. . They wonder what went wrong.
Nothing went wrong. Change is natural and inevitable. It does not mean that the love has gone away. That is a mistaken idea of what love is. We simply have to know what love is, and how to keep it growing, through all the ups and downs.
The Perfect Partner
When we initially fall in love, we feel we have found “the perfect person.” A tremendous excitement takes over. We project many wonderful qualities upon our partner and block out any faults. Then we feel that we, too, must be so wonderful to have a partner who is so ideal. For many there is the feeling that they have finally discovered someone who will be able to give them all the love, approval and inspiration they have sought all their lives.
This is a huge demand to make upon another person, but it happens anyway. When this demand is not fulfilled, a deep disappointment can arise. It seems as though the partner has failed us, but in truth it is the unrealistic demands we have made that is causing pain.
Guide 1: Take a close look at what you are expecting from your partner. Is it possible? Are you setting yourself up for a fall?
Realize that no one can make up for years of upset. No one can give you all you need to feel whole. You must learn to love, grow and become whole on your own. You must become your own best friend, and also learn to be a friend to the other
After a period of time, when we feel more secure in the relationship, it is inevitable that reality starts to set in. Different qualities in our partner become obvious. It’s hard to keep pretending that the person matches all our dreams. It is at this point that questions and doubts start to surface. Perhaps there is a desire to “change” the other to meet our image, or a feeling that if they loved us enough, they would naturally change.
Both stop a moment and think carefully. Another person does not exist to meet all of your needs and dreams. This is not love. It is using anotheras an object to meet our needs. This desire itself cause our pain.
Guide 2: No one has to change for you to love them. Nor do you have to change to be worthy of love. You can never change enough to please another person. The work of love is to be able to love the other just as they are, and to also love yourself.
The work of love is the work of learning to accept the other person, and also to accept yourself. Love is not a feeling that stays the same all the time. Love is a verb. It grows as we face change and difficulty. Love grows through actions we take, through understanding and through developing the ability to really know who the other is and to really become their friend.
“A feeling that is here one minute and gone the next cannot be called love."
What can help restore a relationship? Hear men tell you in their own words why they leave relationships and what makes a relationship work for them in this classic, eye-opening ebook on modern relationships. Why Men Leave http://www.whymenleave.com offers a real understanding of men. It changes the way women think about men, and about what goes on in relationships.
This self help program is written by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, psychologist, relationship expert, workshop leader and best selling author. Sought out by major publishing houses, her books include "The Anger Diet" (Andrews McMeel Publishing) and "Zen And The Art of Falling In Love" (Simon and Schuster), among many others. She has appeared as an expert on such tv news programs such CBS, ABC, FOX, just to name a few. You may contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
Go to http://www.whymenleave to download your copy now.
Article:
We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they wonder if it’s possible to have the same success in love. Although things may start out wonderfully in the beginning, there is always the fear that it won’t last, that difficulties will arise, feelings will start to change. Then when things alter, as they naturally must, many have the mistaken idea that the love is disappearing. . They wonder what went wrong.
Nothing went wrong. Change is natural and inevitable. It does not mean that the love has gone away. That is a mistaken idea of what love is. We simply have to know what love is, and how to keep it growing, through all the ups and downs.
The Perfect Partner
When we initially fall in love, we feel we have found “the perfect person.” A tremendous excitement takes over. We project many wonderful qualities upon our partner and block out any faults. Then we feel that we, too, must be so wonderful to have a partner who is so ideal. For many there is the feeling that they have finally discovered someone who will be able to give them all the love, approval and inspiration they have sought all their lives.
This is a huge demand to make upon another person, but it happens anyway. When this demand is not fulfilled, a deep disappointment can arise. It seems as though the partner has failed us, but in truth it is the unrealistic demands we have made that is causing pain.
Guide 1: Take a close look at what you are expecting from your partner. Is it possible? Are you setting yourself up for a fall?
Realize that no one can make up for years of upset. No one can give you all you need to feel whole. You must learn to love, grow and become whole on your own. You must become your own best friend, and also learn to be a friend to the other
After a period of time, when we feel more secure in the relationship, it is inevitable that reality starts to set in. Different qualities in our partner become obvious. It’s hard to keep pretending that the person matches all our dreams. It is at this point that questions and doubts start to surface. Perhaps there is a desire to “change” the other to meet our image, or a feeling that if they loved us enough, they would naturally change.
Both stop a moment and think carefully. Another person does not exist to meet all of your needs and dreams. This is not love. It is using anotheras an object to meet our needs. This desire itself cause our pain.
Guide 2: No one has to change for you to love them. Nor do you have to change to be worthy of love. You can never change enough to please another person. The work of love is to be able to love the other just as they are, and to also love yourself.
The work of love is the work of learning to accept the other person, and also to accept yourself. Love is not a feeling that stays the same all the time. Love is a verb. It grows as we face change and difficulty. Love grows through actions we take, through understanding and through developing the ability to really know who the other is and to really become their friend.
“A feeling that is here one minute and gone the next cannot be called love."
What can help restore a relationship? Hear men tell you in their own words why they leave relationships and what makes a relationship work for them in this classic, eye-opening ebook on modern relationships. Why Men Leave http://www.whymenleave.com offers a real understanding of men. It changes the way women think about men, and about what goes on in relationships.
This self help program is written by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, psychologist, relationship expert, workshop leader and best selling author. Sought out by major publishing houses, her books include "The Anger Diet" (Andrews McMeel Publishing) and "Zen And The Art of Falling In Love" (Simon and Schuster), among many others. She has appeared as an expert on such tv news programs such CBS, ABC, FOX, just to name a few. You may contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
Go to http://www.whymenleave to download your copy now.
2006-10-21
How To Put An End To Loneliness
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna
[Self-Improvement:Stress-Management] Article Word Count: 789
Article:
Loneliness and separation are the real illness of our times. While we urgently need true communication, instead we often find withdrawal, games and lies. This is so widespread it is taken as the norm. So often we come away from one another filled with misunderstanding, wondering what really went on. Although we may not realize it, this confusion arises because we do not know who we really are or who the person we are with is either.
We get us many chances to set this right. Our entire life consists of building bridges. Each person we meet is another bridge, another link, a new way to deepen the love and understanding we can become capable of. Yet, so few of us know how to build this link - so few allow it. Or, if we do, it is only for a few precious moments only, and then we run away and hide.
The crucial bridge is the one, which allows another person into our world. But there are many obstacles in crossing this bridge. Usually our first response to another person is to judge, reject, or make some kind of criticism.
We meet someone and immediately label them. Instead of being a person, they become an object to us, a stranger, or opponent. In this way we separate ourselves from them. Then, we wonder why we feel so alone.
Games We Play
“Give up sirs, your proud airs, your many wishes, mannerisms and extravagant claims. They won't do you any good, sir! That's all I have to tell you.” Lao Tse
In order to put an end to the loneliness we feel, we must look at the roles and games we play—at the identities we cherish. These roles, dreams and images are often exactly what keep our loneliness going strong.
Most of us wear many hats, play many roles. In each hat we look and feel slightly different. These hats are comfortable. They ward off the wind, snow and rain. But sometimes one hat gets stuck on your head. You don't remember that you have just put it on for the afternoon, and that it’s hiding your true face. Roles
A role is a set of behaviors intended to project a certain kind of image to others and to ourselves. In each role we adopt certain behaviors, feelings and attitudes. These responses are built in automatically.
When we are thoroughly identified with a role we play, not only does this keep us from interacting with all kinds of people, and exploring all kinds of possibilities, but it keep us out of with what is truly going on. Instead of being real our lives become an elaborate performance. When this happens, loneliness is inevitable. This loneliness is not caused by a separation from others, but from true selves.
Roles can also be hypnotic. We can fall in love with a role or fantasy and begin to believe it is who we truly are. Or, more commonly, we can fall in love with someone who is playing out a role. (Here we are not falling in love with the person, but with the image or fantasy they create for us).
It can come as quite a shock to us when the person drops this role and we are face to face with who they really are, (this usually takes several months into the relationship, and then we start wondering, where the love has gone?)
Roles give us a sense of temporary security. Temporary security isn't bad, but it is only temporary and does not deal with our deeper needs, or with the inner emptiness we feel.
The biggest danger of being lost in role playing is that these roles may begin to take over. We can lose touch with the reality of what is going on. We lose touch with what we really feel, and may not even be able to see many possibilities for our lives that are available.
An incredible amount of misunderstanding and lack of communication comes from being glued to a particular role or sense of yourself. Unglue yourself a little. See if you can begin to separate yourself from the static role definition you have been living with.
Exercise: Freeing Yourself
What kind of roles, games or identities you cling to?
How does this affect your overall functioning?
How does this contribute to your sense of being lonely, estranged or separate from others?
Let go of one role, game or identity you usually play a day.
Just be who you are. Let yourself know how you feel and what is truly important to you.
As you do this day after day, you will become more connected to both yourself and the entire world.
Cc/author/2005
[Self-Improvement:Stress-Management] Article Word Count: 789
Article:
Loneliness and separation are the real illness of our times. While we urgently need true communication, instead we often find withdrawal, games and lies. This is so widespread it is taken as the norm. So often we come away from one another filled with misunderstanding, wondering what really went on. Although we may not realize it, this confusion arises because we do not know who we really are or who the person we are with is either.
We get us many chances to set this right. Our entire life consists of building bridges. Each person we meet is another bridge, another link, a new way to deepen the love and understanding we can become capable of. Yet, so few of us know how to build this link - so few allow it. Or, if we do, it is only for a few precious moments only, and then we run away and hide.
The crucial bridge is the one, which allows another person into our world. But there are many obstacles in crossing this bridge. Usually our first response to another person is to judge, reject, or make some kind of criticism.
We meet someone and immediately label them. Instead of being a person, they become an object to us, a stranger, or opponent. In this way we separate ourselves from them. Then, we wonder why we feel so alone.
Games We Play
“Give up sirs, your proud airs, your many wishes, mannerisms and extravagant claims. They won't do you any good, sir! That's all I have to tell you.” Lao Tse
In order to put an end to the loneliness we feel, we must look at the roles and games we play—at the identities we cherish. These roles, dreams and images are often exactly what keep our loneliness going strong.
Most of us wear many hats, play many roles. In each hat we look and feel slightly different. These hats are comfortable. They ward off the wind, snow and rain. But sometimes one hat gets stuck on your head. You don't remember that you have just put it on for the afternoon, and that it’s hiding your true face. Roles
A role is a set of behaviors intended to project a certain kind of image to others and to ourselves. In each role we adopt certain behaviors, feelings and attitudes. These responses are built in automatically.
When we are thoroughly identified with a role we play, not only does this keep us from interacting with all kinds of people, and exploring all kinds of possibilities, but it keep us out of with what is truly going on. Instead of being real our lives become an elaborate performance. When this happens, loneliness is inevitable. This loneliness is not caused by a separation from others, but from true selves.
Roles can also be hypnotic. We can fall in love with a role or fantasy and begin to believe it is who we truly are. Or, more commonly, we can fall in love with someone who is playing out a role. (Here we are not falling in love with the person, but with the image or fantasy they create for us).
It can come as quite a shock to us when the person drops this role and we are face to face with who they really are, (this usually takes several months into the relationship, and then we start wondering, where the love has gone?)
Roles give us a sense of temporary security. Temporary security isn't bad, but it is only temporary and does not deal with our deeper needs, or with the inner emptiness we feel.
The biggest danger of being lost in role playing is that these roles may begin to take over. We can lose touch with the reality of what is going on. We lose touch with what we really feel, and may not even be able to see many possibilities for our lives that are available.
An incredible amount of misunderstanding and lack of communication comes from being glued to a particular role or sense of yourself. Unglue yourself a little. See if you can begin to separate yourself from the static role definition you have been living with.
Exercise: Freeing Yourself
What kind of roles, games or identities you cling to?
How does this affect your overall functioning?
How does this contribute to your sense of being lonely, estranged or separate from others?
Let go of one role, game or identity you usually play a day.
Just be who you are. Let yourself know how you feel and what is truly important to you.
As you do this day after day, you will become more connected to both yourself and the entire world.
Cc/author/2005
SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP (www.truthaboutlove.com) is a ground-breaking relationship counseling program. It unlocks to the proven methods to overcoming the most difficult relationship problems.
Written by Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.
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