Four Steps To Becoming Closer (Developing Emotional Intimacy)

FOUR WAYS TO BECOME CLOSER

DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Even when they are in relationships, many wish to become closer to their partners and share quality time that is truly intimate. They want to feel free to express all of themselves. Although many try in all kinds of ways, it is helpful to learn some direct steps, which open emotional doors between partners and deepen the bond they share.

The heart and soul of intimacy begins with communication. However, few really know how to listen, or how to find the right time or way to express what is inside. Some communicate to control, manipulate, or be right. Others communicate to present an image of who they are, to impress and gain approval. Their communication creates a wall that doesn't let another in. No matter how many gifts they give to their partner, it never seems to be enough. Of course the real gift everyone wants is to be truly known and heard.

True emotional intimacy begins with willingness to be who you are - to express yourself honestly and fully and to know that your partner is able to accept you as you are. This also includes the reverse - your being able to really listen, understand and accept your partner and what he needs to share.

Many relationships are based upon an on-going struggle to fix or change the other person. They are not good enough as they are. This struggle blocks intimacy as the partner always feels criticized in some way. The greatest barrier to emotional intimacy is the feeling that we have to be someone different than who we are.
The following simple steps open the way for intimacy. They allow you to practice a communication that sets up an atmosphere in which intimacy can grow. These exercises are simple and yet powerful. They will help you to make friends with both your partner and yourself.

1) ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER AS THEY ARE. (Accept yourself as you are as well).

Stop criticizing, complaining, and letting your partner know what's wrong with them, what's missing. Drop the desire to change them. When something happens that usually causes you to criticize or complain, just let it be as it is. Say to yourself, I will let this person be as they are and let go of my wish to control them. Watch how they begin to open up as this goes on.

STEP 2 - FOCUS ON WHAT'S RIGHT ABOUT YOUR PARTNER. LET THEM KNOW.

You fell in love with your partner for some reason. Focus upon what it is that drew you to them, the things they've done that make you happy. Then, tell them so. So often we communicate the complaints and keep the praise and acknowledgment silent. Start doing the reverse of this. Make a point of letting your partner know whenever he does something to please you, or when there is something about him that you genuinely like and respect. This is not flattery, but the process of acknowledgment. We usually think the person already knows what is good about them, but actually this is rarely so. It is crucial to "acknowledge" what is happening. Open up and tell them how they made you happy, or what about them you enjoy and respect. (This also lets our partner know what pleases and is meaningful to us).

STEP 3 - LISTENING WITH LOVE

Listening means, stopping our own inner dialogue and drama and really being there for another person. We allow the person to say whatever it is they have in their mind. We do not correct, interrupt, try to teach them something, or bring up other instances when they were wrong. Instead really listening means creating an environment where the other feels and is "heard".

So often we do not "hear" the other, but only hear the voices in our own mind. We have personal agendas for how they should be acting and what we want them to say. Unless we drop those agendas, we can never really become close or know the person we are with. Here is a secret - when a person feels really listened to and heard, they always feel loved.

To practice this exercise - clear you mind and focus only upon your partner and what he is saying to you. Do not think of an answer, do not think of anything. Listen carefully and then at the right moment, paraphrase what he said to you, just so he knows you are with him and have heard what he said. For example, you could say, I heard you say that you feel you need more space. Don't comment upon this, analyze it, or anything. Just let him know he's been heard. Mirror to him the essence of what he's said. This will let him know you are with him, listening to him fully, not finding ways to criticize or change.

STEP 4 - ASKING AND RECEIVING

Ask for what you want and need. You give a great gift to the other by asking for what you really want. Many are afraid to ask for fear that if they let their partner know what they really want, they could be turned down. It requires the willingness to be open and vulnerable. Ask for what you want and what is important to you. You will be amazed at the fact that very often your partner had no idea.

Once you ask for what you want, allow yourself to receive it, and offer thanks. Many people take what is given without offering thanks, gratitude and acknowledgment of how much the gift meant to them. This leaves the giver feeling upset. Make sure you fully let your partner know how much the gift meant to you.

Now, of course, do the reverse. Find out what your partner truly wants and needs. See if you can give it to them. If you cannot, discuss it. Don't allow it to fester. Once something is honestly discussed, the two of you can make adjustments and move on. When two individuals feel known, heard and accepted, not only does the emotional intimacy grow, but a sense of wholeness and well-being develops alongside as well.
Although these steps are simple they are extremely powerful. Try one today and see. If you do them day after day, it is impossible not to find the bond deepening naturally.

Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and has run over 500 workshops and helped thousands become strong, stable and fulfilled. Contact her at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. Her personal
website is: http://www.brendashoshanna.com/

Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com

How To Heal Your Relationship

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:

Many of us run into the same problems in relationships over and over. Even though we have a new partner, often nothing changes. It is natural to carry memories of all that has gone on in the past. For some these memories become wounds, for others, they become treasures. It is important to know how to heal past relationships, so that we can have a chance to start new and grow.

Building Bridges

When we try to block out the past from our lives, it arises again at the oddest times, causing old patterns to re-run. The art of healing our relationships is learning how to build a bridge between the person we are today and the person we used to be. Rather than hate old partners, or experiences, it is necessary to learn how to find the treasure each experience provided.

A Lesson In Each Experience

There is a valuable lesson in each experience. There is a way we can view what happened which will help us become strong. When we look for what each experience has taught us and apply the lesson, our entire life opens up. Then the past can make us strong. Each person we've encountered, (whether we liked them or not) becomes a bridge, a way to deepen the love and understanding we become capable of.

Yet, so few of us know how to do this. In a sense we are all like flowers longing for the light while we keep our petals closed, lost in sorrow and resentment. There is plenty of sun and light available, but if we are closed, we cannot let it in.

Making Peace

The crucial lesson we must learn is how to make peace with the pain we’ve gone through, and allows resentment and judgment to subside. Only then are we free to let new people and experiences into our world. Only then are we free to truly live in a present, which is constantly new.

To forgive means to give up – to give up judgment, blame resentment, revenge and cruelty of heart. It means finding a new way to understand what happened and take responsibility for our part in the dance. Beyond that, it means understanding that each person gave us what they could at that particular time of their lives. Our expectations and demands of them, are what have caused the pain. When we let one person “off the hook”, often to our surprise, we find our expectations and needs met by someone or something entirely new.

The crucial step in this process is to give up judging, rejecting or criticizing others. To stop labeling them as good or bad. Instead, it is crucial to look at our own expectations, and realize that we can never hope to have them all met by one person or another. It is up to us to reach within, find the kind spot in our hearts and help it grow. When our own loving hearts are fully developed, our expectations and demands of others lessen, and we are able to be more grateful and fulfilled by the many gifts life offers. We are also more able to attract that which is healthy and uplifting into our lives.

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Discover more surprising truths about love that can heal your relationship in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), http://www.truthaboutlove.com.