The Top Two Communication Problems, And How To Solve Them

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:


Without effective communication, no relationship stands a chance. We talk (and listen) all day long, but only a small part of our communication takes place in words. Most of the time we believe the other is listening to and understanding what we saying, but by and large, this is not the case. Most of the time the other person is planning what he or she will say back, or tuning out, or building up some kind of fantasy that has nothing to do with what is going on at that moment.When we are fighting, we want more than ever to be understood and words go flying back and forth like arrows. At this point, resolution to the problem can be far away.

So what are the secrets of effective communication? How do we truly get what we want and give each other what we need? Let's look at the top two communication problems and see how they can be solved. Once this is done, you'll be off to a wonderful start in building the kind of relationship you have always wanted.

Problem One: Wanting to Be Right and Prove the Other Wrong

Before you are able to communicate effectively, you must look carefully at your intention. Are you communicating in order to be understood, to get what you want, or do you have another intention behind the words you are saying? Many couples end up just wanting to prove that they are in the right and their partner is wrong (and always has been).

This is communication as war. These words are filled with anger and blame. They cause the other person to feel small, bad or inadequate. The words in these communications are never listened to. However what is read loud and clear is the anger and righteousness behind what is being said. To remedy this, decide that you will stop blaming each other, and give each other a chance to truly be heard. Decide you do not have to prove a case, but find a way to establish a bridge of mutual understanding. These intentions are tremendously helpful in allowing a relationship to succeed.

Problem Two: Not Being Able to Hear the Other Person

Remember, communication consists not only of talking, but also listening and hearing what is being said. We can do a whole workshop on the art of listening, but to start, it is crucial to realize that each person can only truly "hear" what is being said if they are willing to put aside their own point of view and really be available to know the heart and mind of the other. This is not as simple as it sounds. Many of us immediately interpret what we are hearing, and put it into a ready-made slot.

Others distort what is being said. Others pretend to listen, but are occupied with their own thoughts. A solution to this is to repeat to the other what you think they have said. Let them know how their communication is filtering through to you. Let them make adjustments to your version of their message. And finally, be willing to really hear what they mean.

cc/author/2006

Discover the suprising truths about love in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book, Save Your Relationship, (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com

How To Put An End To Loneliness

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

[Self-Improvement:Stress-Management] Article Word Count: 789

Article:

Loneliness and separation are the real illness of our times. While we urgently need true communication, instead we often find withdrawal, games and lies. This is so widespread it is taken as the norm. So often we come away from one another filled with misunderstanding, wondering what really went on. Although we may not realize it, this confusion arises because we do not know who we really are or who the person we are with is either.

We get us many chances to set this right. Our entire life consists of building bridges. Each person we meet is another bridge, another link, a new way to deepen the love and understanding we can become capable of. Yet, so few of us know how to build this link - so few allow it. Or, if we do, it is only for a few precious moments only, and then we run away and hide.

The crucial bridge is the one, which allows another person into our world. But there are many obstacles in crossing this bridge. Usually our first response to another person is to judge, reject, or make some kind of criticism.

We meet someone and immediately label them. Instead of being a person, they become an object to us, a stranger, or opponent. In this way we separate ourselves from them. Then, we wonder why we feel so alone.

Games We Play

“Give up sirs, your proud airs, your many wishes, mannerisms and extravagant claims. They won't do you any good, sir! That's all I have to tell you.” Lao Tse

In order to put an end to the loneliness we feel, we must look at the roles and games we play—at the identities we cherish. These roles, dreams and images are often exactly what keep our loneliness going strong.

Most of us wear many hats, play many roles. In each hat we look and feel slightly different. These hats are comfortable. They ward off the wind, snow and rain. But sometimes one hat gets stuck on your head. You don't remember that you have just put it on for the afternoon, and that it’s hiding your true face. Roles

A role is a set of behaviors intended to project a certain kind of image to others and to ourselves. In each role we adopt certain behaviors, feelings and attitudes. These responses are built in automatically.

When we are thoroughly identified with a role we play, not only does this keep us from interacting with all kinds of people, and exploring all kinds of possibilities, but it keep us out of with what is truly going on. Instead of being real our lives become an elaborate performance. When this happens, loneliness is inevitable. This loneliness is not caused by a separation from others, but from true selves.

Roles can also be hypnotic. We can fall in love with a role or fantasy and begin to believe it is who we truly are. Or, more commonly, we can fall in love with someone who is playing out a role. (Here we are not falling in love with the person, but with the image or fantasy they create for us).

It can come as quite a shock to us when the person drops this role and we are face to face with who they really are, (this usually takes several months into the relationship, and then we start wondering, where the love has gone?)

Roles give us a sense of temporary security. Temporary security isn't bad, but it is only temporary and does not deal with our deeper needs, or with the inner emptiness we feel.

The biggest danger of being lost in role playing is that these roles may begin to take over. We can lose touch with the reality of what is going on. We lose touch with what we really feel, and may not even be able to see many possibilities for our lives that are available.

An incredible amount of misunderstanding and lack of communication comes from being glued to a particular role or sense of yourself. Unglue yourself a little. See if you can begin to separate yourself from the static role definition you have been living with.

Exercise: Freeing Yourself

What kind of roles, games or identities you cling to?

How does this affect your overall functioning?

How does this contribute to your sense of being lonely, estranged or separate from others?

Let go of one role, game or identity you usually play a day.

Just be who you are. Let yourself know how you feel and what is truly important to you.

As you do this day after day, you will become more connected to both yourself and the entire world.

Cc/author/2005

SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP (www.truthaboutlove.com) is a ground-breaking relationship counseling program. It unlocks to the proven methods to overcoming the most difficult relationship problems.

Written by Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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