The greatest gift we can give one another in a relationship is our true selves – being who we are. For some this is not difficult, but for most it takes practice to take off the masks and become real. At first it can seem frightening to stop playing games, and just be. However, much of the trouble that arises in relationships is because we are unwilling to do this. We think the games we play protect us, though they are actually the cause of the problems we have. Our need for real contact is so strong that when it is not there, our partner can easily feel lonely, rejected or as though they don’t matter much.
There are all kinds of ways we keep the games going. Instead of finding out who our partner truly is, or what they really need from us, when something happens we don’t like, we rush to label them. They become an object to us, a stranger, or opponent in some way. Before we give them a chance to reveal themselves, we throw them away. In this way we constantly separate ourselves from one another and then wonder why we feel so alone.
The biggest need we all have is to stop playing games, trust who we are and realize that each person who comes into our lives is there for a reason; they are worth knowing truly. We must learn to build bridges between ourselves and them; allow open communication to take place. When we are unwilling to do this, it is usually because we are hiding, afraid of being known.
How To Let Go of The Games We Play
To start on our journey of becoming real, it is useful to look closely at the roles we play—the fantasies we so cherish. These roles are often exactly what get in our way. Roles can be hypnotic, it is easy to fall in love with a role or fantasy and begin to believe it is who we truly are. Or, more commonly, we fall in love with the role someone else is playing, become mesmerized by it and have no idea at all who the real person is. When that happens, we are not falling in love with the person, but with the fantasy they are creating for us. It can and does come as quite a shock when things change and, one day, we find out who they truly are. At this point, many relationships get rocky.
There are many reasons it may feel dangerous to let go of a role or image. For some, the idea of being true has become confused with the idea of being selfish, not caring about the feelings of others. Oddly enough, just the opposite is so. When we are able to respond truthfully, real caring can begin to arise. On the other hand, when we act from our roles and games, we are implicitly demanding this kind of false response from others. This way of relating is deadening; and takes the enthusiasm, fun and aliveness away. Everything becomes predictable. Boredom sets in.
The biggest danger of being lost in a role is that we lose touch with the reality of who we really are and what’s going on, both for ourselves and others. An incredible amount of misunderstanding comes about when we are glued to a particular fantasy or role. Unglue yourself a little.
In order to unglue ourselves from the usual roles we play, it is helpful to step into another's shoes. Try seeing the situation from your partner’s point of view. Pretend you are them for a few moments; what would you need or want if that were true? Look at yourself through their eyes. You may be in for quite a surprise. As our compassion for and understanding of others increases, our stereotyped reactions melt away.
We constantly need to broaden our horizons. No relationship can stay the same forever. If it does grow, it begins to fade. If we do not expand, we begin to atrophy as well. As we become real and respond from the truth of who we are, a sense of fresh possibilities, flexibility and aliveness comes to us. It brings excitement and adventure as well. This a sure fire way to bring the greatest gift, both to others and to ourselves.
Cc/author/2007
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s top e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and noted author has helped thousands become stable, strong and fulfilled. Get free ezine and reports at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at : topspeaker@yahoo.com
Experience more from the best selling author, psychologist and relationship expert who has helped thousands find strength, balance and fulfilling relationships.
2007-07-09
2007-07-05
How Love Grows (Practical Steps to Keeping Love Alive in Your Relationships)
We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they don’t feel it’s possible to have the same success in love. They tell themselves to “be realistic.” Being realistic about relationships” is considered natural as we “grow up” and give up the fantasies, foolishness and dreams of childhood. But being in love is the most mature and realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. The body heals the heart is happy. The real question is, how can we learn to help love grow in all aspects of our lives? What gets in the way?
The following steppingstones will show how to help love grow, whatever our situation. They include exercises to strengthen our love muscles, and turn our lives around.
The One Right Besides You
Most of the time we are either searching for the right person or wanting to change the one we are with. We do not take a precious moment to stop and truly see the one who is right in front of our eyes. And, beyond that, though we may not be aware of it, we do many things to push that person away.
Look at a person who is close to you right now – anyone it happens to be. Notice what you are demanding of them in order to be happy together. Then notice the subtle ways in which you push them away.
For a moment, stop it. Spend time just being together. Allow things to go whatever way they do. Let all of it be fine just as it is.
Tomorrow, do the same thing with someone else. The more we can be “right” and happy with each person we meet, the fuller and more joyous our lives will be.
Playing At The Game of Love
So many complain that they are not loved. The reason for this can be quite
simple. They are so busy playing roles and games that the partner never gets to know who they really are. They never know either.
Notice what roles (or games) you play in relationships, and what roles you
demand others play.. See if you are in love with the person you are with, or with the role he/she is playing right now.
Turn this around for a little while. Stop playing roles completely. Love is not a game we play. Love is knowing and accepting yourself and the other exactly as they are. Who we are is always loveable and beautiful. It’s the roles that get in the way.
Letting Him Come and Letting Him Go
One great obstacle in living a life of love is the tendency to hold on. We grasp
and cling to those we care for, preventing their freedom and ease. But this is not love, it is attachment and dependency. In the long run it suffocates the one you cling to and suffocates you too.
Try giving it up for awhile. Let the person come and go as they feel. See how wonderful both of you will feel when you grant your partner this kind of trust. It is said that we can never lose that which belongs to us.
It’s important to put this into action. When someone comes into your life (or
day) practice letting him come. Welcome the person – whoever he is. Enjoy what it is he brings.When it is time for a person to go away, practice letting him go. Do not turn the person’s leaving into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. Realize that his leaving has nothing to do with you. It is simply time for him to go.
Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely in life, not tying
yourself in unnecessary chains. The more we free others and ourselves, the more love can grow.
Letting Go Of Unnecessary Expectations
Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. They can be
quite amazed to discover that even when these demands are met, nothing really changes. These demands don’t lead to happiness. They just may be obstacles to love.
Take a look at what you feel is absolutely necessary in relationships. Realize this
Expectations may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away. Not only that, these expectations can be making you fearful and rigid, not open to what is available.
Let one of these demands subside. At first let it go for just one day and see how
it feels. (Remember you can always take it back again). Now try another the next day. As we do this many times, we may find that that which we thought was crucial was only getting in the way. The more we do this the lighter we will feel and all kinds of new people will start appearing in our lives. We have made room.
Giving Gifts
Giving and receiving are the fuel that keeps love burning strong. What gifts do you give in relationships? Take a few moments and also see what you hope to receive in return. Just giving for its own sake, without hoping for anything in return is the most powerful giving of all.
It’s important to practice this. Give something to someone each day. Then, find something new you can give and offer that. Now, do this with different kinds of people, those you might not have given to before.
It’s also important to do this with yourself as well. Each day take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like. (Can be simple – a walk in the park, new lipstick, time with someone you care for.) Although this exercise is simple, it is extremely powerful. Doing this daily can turn everything around. When we give freely and fully, we do not feel so needful. Less demands are placed on our relationships and we feel full and complete.
Becoming Your Own Best Friend
Many say they are lonely, even with a partner at their side. This is simply because
they have not yet made friends with themselves. Once they make friends with themselves and are able to be who they are, it is difficult to feel lonely again.
Make friends with yourself. Spend time noticing who you are and accept
whatever you notice, all parts of yourself. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on. Just notice and let it be. Understand that underneath the clamor, you are perfect just as you are.
When you learn to accept and make friends with yourself you can then become a
true friend to others, and also choose to be in relationships with those who value and appreciate you. As your love for yourself and others keep growing, the very meaning of relationships alters and life takes a whole new turn.
Cc/author/2007
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s top e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and noted author has helped thousands become stable, fulfilled and strong. Get free ezine and reports at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at : topspeaker@yahoo.com
Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
The following steppingstones will show how to help love grow, whatever our situation. They include exercises to strengthen our love muscles, and turn our lives around.
The One Right Besides You
Most of the time we are either searching for the right person or wanting to change the one we are with. We do not take a precious moment to stop and truly see the one who is right in front of our eyes. And, beyond that, though we may not be aware of it, we do many things to push that person away.
Look at a person who is close to you right now – anyone it happens to be. Notice what you are demanding of them in order to be happy together. Then notice the subtle ways in which you push them away.
For a moment, stop it. Spend time just being together. Allow things to go whatever way they do. Let all of it be fine just as it is.
Tomorrow, do the same thing with someone else. The more we can be “right” and happy with each person we meet, the fuller and more joyous our lives will be.
Playing At The Game of Love
So many complain that they are not loved. The reason for this can be quite
simple. They are so busy playing roles and games that the partner never gets to know who they really are. They never know either.
Notice what roles (or games) you play in relationships, and what roles you
demand others play.. See if you are in love with the person you are with, or with the role he/she is playing right now.
Turn this around for a little while. Stop playing roles completely. Love is not a game we play. Love is knowing and accepting yourself and the other exactly as they are. Who we are is always loveable and beautiful. It’s the roles that get in the way.
Letting Him Come and Letting Him Go
One great obstacle in living a life of love is the tendency to hold on. We grasp
and cling to those we care for, preventing their freedom and ease. But this is not love, it is attachment and dependency. In the long run it suffocates the one you cling to and suffocates you too.
Try giving it up for awhile. Let the person come and go as they feel. See how wonderful both of you will feel when you grant your partner this kind of trust. It is said that we can never lose that which belongs to us.
It’s important to put this into action. When someone comes into your life (or
day) practice letting him come. Welcome the person – whoever he is. Enjoy what it is he brings.When it is time for a person to go away, practice letting him go. Do not turn the person’s leaving into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. Realize that his leaving has nothing to do with you. It is simply time for him to go.
Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely in life, not tying
yourself in unnecessary chains. The more we free others and ourselves, the more love can grow.
Letting Go Of Unnecessary Expectations
Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. They can be
quite amazed to discover that even when these demands are met, nothing really changes. These demands don’t lead to happiness. They just may be obstacles to love.
Take a look at what you feel is absolutely necessary in relationships. Realize this
Expectations may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away. Not only that, these expectations can be making you fearful and rigid, not open to what is available.
Let one of these demands subside. At first let it go for just one day and see how
it feels. (Remember you can always take it back again). Now try another the next day. As we do this many times, we may find that that which we thought was crucial was only getting in the way. The more we do this the lighter we will feel and all kinds of new people will start appearing in our lives. We have made room.
Giving Gifts
Giving and receiving are the fuel that keeps love burning strong. What gifts do you give in relationships? Take a few moments and also see what you hope to receive in return. Just giving for its own sake, without hoping for anything in return is the most powerful giving of all.
It’s important to practice this. Give something to someone each day. Then, find something new you can give and offer that. Now, do this with different kinds of people, those you might not have given to before.
It’s also important to do this with yourself as well. Each day take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like. (Can be simple – a walk in the park, new lipstick, time with someone you care for.) Although this exercise is simple, it is extremely powerful. Doing this daily can turn everything around. When we give freely and fully, we do not feel so needful. Less demands are placed on our relationships and we feel full and complete.
Becoming Your Own Best Friend
Many say they are lonely, even with a partner at their side. This is simply because
they have not yet made friends with themselves. Once they make friends with themselves and are able to be who they are, it is difficult to feel lonely again.
Make friends with yourself. Spend time noticing who you are and accept
whatever you notice, all parts of yourself. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on. Just notice and let it be. Understand that underneath the clamor, you are perfect just as you are.
When you learn to accept and make friends with yourself you can then become a
true friend to others, and also choose to be in relationships with those who value and appreciate you. As your love for yourself and others keep growing, the very meaning of relationships alters and life takes a whole new turn.
Cc/author/2007
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s top e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and noted author has helped thousands become stable, fulfilled and strong. Get free ezine and reports at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at : topspeaker@yahoo.com
Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
2007-07-03
How To Break The Addiction To Anger
“In my mind are thoughts that can hurt or help me. I am
constantly choosing the contents of my mind.”
Dr. Gerald Jampolsky
It is easy to become addicted. We are all creatures of habit. Habits provide a sense of certainty, security and stability in our lives. When they are disrupted our sense of well being becomes easily threatened. However, when we depend upon a habit for our sense of well being, it is easy for it to develop into an addiction.
Addiction to anger is one of the most common and lethal addictions, and one most seldom recognized. The anger addict becomes hooked by the false sense of power anger brings. As the addiction grows, it consumes more and more of their lives, producing painful consequences.
The best way to undo an addiction is to look it squarely in the face, see what triggers it, how it functions become aware of the false promises it offers and the huge costs we pay. Then we replace old behaviors with new ones that are easy and enjoyable. As we dissolve an addiction we regain power back over our lives.
To begin to dissolve the addiction to anger, we will start by becoming aware. What is the source of this addiction? What function does it serve?
Functions of Addictions
When we are addicted to anything (anger, substances, relationships), many troubling aspects of life are blocked out. Our focus narrows. The addiction numbs us to painful feelings we may not wish to deal with. The addiction is serving as a defense against anxiety. It prevents us from seeing and dealing with issues, which need to be attended to.
In particular, an addiction to anger provides a sense of power. This is often a defense against feeling helpless or inadequate. Individuals become blind to the fact that as the addiction develops, they will need more and more of it to feel okay. Not only does the dosage increase, but so does the negative impact upon their lives. Addiction provides a false sense of security. At first it makes the individual feel safe and secure. The reality, however, is that an addiction blinds an individual from doing what needs to be done to build a life of true value and stability.
Effects Of Addiction To Anger
When we are angry we often have a temporary feeling of strength, energy,
power, authority or control. Much like alcohol, the surge of anger, which takes over, block out fears, inhibitions and doubts. There is a temporary sense of freedom and empowerment that we normally lack.
Anger also blocks out logical thought processes, producing a sense that we are absolutely right. Some individuals who have trouble making decisions can make them easily then. Decisions made while angry often focus only upon a limited aspect of the situation. These kinds of decisions rarely provide positive outcomes.
Anger provides a sense of justification. Many actions that might seem unacceptable when calm seem perfectly fine when we are angry. Anger also encourages us to blurt out negative thoughts and feelings we may have been holding in that might have better gone left unsaid. Of course, after the surge of anger passes, it is difficult to take these words back. Even if we apologize the after effects remain.
Dissolving The Addiction To Anger:
1)List the times in which you feel angry or upset automatically. What person, thoughts, memory or situation brings this up? For now, just notice this and write it down. As you go through the day, if another situation strikes you, step back, notice it, and write it down as well. Rather than reacting blindly, you are now taking time to become aware. Once you become fully aware of the way anger operates in your life it will not be able to sneak up from behind.
2)Find a substitute for the automatic angry reaction. Instead of reacting the same old way the next time the situation arises, stop, breathe and tell yourself, I will not be a slave to anger anymore. Stop and listen to the person and say to yourself, “This time I will let them be right. There’s plenty of time to be right later.” See how much better you feel now getting pulled down into anger.
3)Find a new way of viewing the situation. Instead of seeing them as an enemy, tell yourself that their anger is a cry for help. It comes from pain and conflict within. Instead of going on the attack, say to the person (either in your mind or out loud), “What can I do to serve you?” Not only will this diffuse the anger, but will open new doors for both of you to walk through.
Watch stress and sickness melt away on The Anger Diet. Top psychologist and relationship expert presents award winning program that has helped thousands become strong and stable. To learn more go to: http://www.theangerdiet.com. For free ezine and articles, go to http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact - topspeaker@yahoo.com. 212) 288-0028.
Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
constantly choosing the contents of my mind.”
Dr. Gerald Jampolsky
It is easy to become addicted. We are all creatures of habit. Habits provide a sense of certainty, security and stability in our lives. When they are disrupted our sense of well being becomes easily threatened. However, when we depend upon a habit for our sense of well being, it is easy for it to develop into an addiction.
Addiction to anger is one of the most common and lethal addictions, and one most seldom recognized. The anger addict becomes hooked by the false sense of power anger brings. As the addiction grows, it consumes more and more of their lives, producing painful consequences.
The best way to undo an addiction is to look it squarely in the face, see what triggers it, how it functions become aware of the false promises it offers and the huge costs we pay. Then we replace old behaviors with new ones that are easy and enjoyable. As we dissolve an addiction we regain power back over our lives.
To begin to dissolve the addiction to anger, we will start by becoming aware. What is the source of this addiction? What function does it serve?
Functions of Addictions
When we are addicted to anything (anger, substances, relationships), many troubling aspects of life are blocked out. Our focus narrows. The addiction numbs us to painful feelings we may not wish to deal with. The addiction is serving as a defense against anxiety. It prevents us from seeing and dealing with issues, which need to be attended to.
In particular, an addiction to anger provides a sense of power. This is often a defense against feeling helpless or inadequate. Individuals become blind to the fact that as the addiction develops, they will need more and more of it to feel okay. Not only does the dosage increase, but so does the negative impact upon their lives. Addiction provides a false sense of security. At first it makes the individual feel safe and secure. The reality, however, is that an addiction blinds an individual from doing what needs to be done to build a life of true value and stability.
Effects Of Addiction To Anger
When we are angry we often have a temporary feeling of strength, energy,
power, authority or control. Much like alcohol, the surge of anger, which takes over, block out fears, inhibitions and doubts. There is a temporary sense of freedom and empowerment that we normally lack.
Anger also blocks out logical thought processes, producing a sense that we are absolutely right. Some individuals who have trouble making decisions can make them easily then. Decisions made while angry often focus only upon a limited aspect of the situation. These kinds of decisions rarely provide positive outcomes.
Anger provides a sense of justification. Many actions that might seem unacceptable when calm seem perfectly fine when we are angry. Anger also encourages us to blurt out negative thoughts and feelings we may have been holding in that might have better gone left unsaid. Of course, after the surge of anger passes, it is difficult to take these words back. Even if we apologize the after effects remain.
Dissolving The Addiction To Anger:
1)List the times in which you feel angry or upset automatically. What person, thoughts, memory or situation brings this up? For now, just notice this and write it down. As you go through the day, if another situation strikes you, step back, notice it, and write it down as well. Rather than reacting blindly, you are now taking time to become aware. Once you become fully aware of the way anger operates in your life it will not be able to sneak up from behind.
2)Find a substitute for the automatic angry reaction. Instead of reacting the same old way the next time the situation arises, stop, breathe and tell yourself, I will not be a slave to anger anymore. Stop and listen to the person and say to yourself, “This time I will let them be right. There’s plenty of time to be right later.” See how much better you feel now getting pulled down into anger.
3)Find a new way of viewing the situation. Instead of seeing them as an enemy, tell yourself that their anger is a cry for help. It comes from pain and conflict within. Instead of going on the attack, say to the person (either in your mind or out loud), “What can I do to serve you?” Not only will this diffuse the anger, but will open new doors for both of you to walk through.
Watch stress and sickness melt away on The Anger Diet. Top psychologist and relationship expert presents award winning program that has helped thousands become strong and stable. To learn more go to: http://www.theangerdiet.com. For free ezine and articles, go to http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact - topspeaker@yahoo.com. 212) 288-0028.
Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
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