.
“Something is always missing,” Karla said. ”In the beginning of the relationship, he always seems like the perfect one, finally. We’re happy, excited, deeply in love, and then - reality sets in. I start wondering who he really is, and the thrill of seeing him disappears. I look at him and wonder what I loved, I don’t feel beautiful anymore. The light has gone from my eyes.”
Of course the light can never leave Karla, but this experienced of disappointment has taken place because she was in the grip of counterfeit love. She didn’t love her boyfriend, but the illusion she had about him. Most likely she knew little about him. She certain was not in touch with the part of him that was perfect, his true self.
Upset, she talked about her disappointment to a friend. “I loved him so much,” she said. “I thought he was so beautiful, so perfect. Now my dreams are smashed.”
The friend looked at her slowly. “You didn’t love him at all,” she said. “You
loved your fantasies about him. If you can know the whole truth, and still love him, then that is really love.”
Falling In Love With Our Fantasies
Karla was in love with her fantasy and then wondered why the love went away. All fantasies fade, they have to - that is the nature of dreams. In the beginning, she felt wonderful, though, and the beauty of it reflected upon her. She felt she must also be perfect, if she could have someone like him. Then reality set in.
Daily life is an opponent of fantasy, it always forces us to be who we are and see what is before us, whether we like it or not. Karla did not like reality, and blamed it upon her boyfriend, not upon her own unwillingness to be with life as it is. She had not yet learned the art of being with life as it is. She hadn’t tasted the real thing. Karla was unable to see the real beauty surrounding her. When we are ready to wake up from fantasies, we find love and joy everywhere.
Throw Away Thoughts Of Imaginary Things
We have little idea how to throw away imaginary thoughts and false expectations. We go to relationships with many demands and expectations. When these expectations are not met, the so-called love we have been feeling turns to hate, resentment, or the feeling that we have been made a fool of. Living in this manner, it is difficult to encounter real lasting love.
When this pattern repeats too many times, some become unable to be in a relationship at all and live protecting themselves from failure and pain. These individuals may not be aware of the deeper problem - that, like Karla, they have been caught in the grip of counterfeit love, which always leaves a person emptier than before. .
Counterfeit Love
Counterfeit love is so common in many ways that we often just take it for granted. In counterfeit love, when we have strong feelings towards someone, we immediately assume that we are in love. As all feelings change most people are convinced that love cannot last. They do not realize that it is the nature of feelings to change, and also the nature of counterfeit love.
Counterfeit love includes the idea that love is a feeling, not a way of life. It is confusion between excitement, dependence, attachment, and the real thing. Real love does not fluctuate. There is no rejection of another person if they do not meet our needs. The nature of our relationship with them may change, but we do not hate or become bitter. Real love never discards anybody; it knows and accepts that true relationship is based upon something deeper than feelings that come and go.
Exercise : Unmasking Counterfeit Love
Describe what love means to you and how a person has to be for you to love him.
Describe some situations in which you felt you had love, only to be disappointed. What did you take to be love that might have merely been infatuation, need, or fantasy?
In your present relationship, for a week, give up one expectation a day. Let the
person and relationship be just as they are. Do the same for yourself. See how you
and your partner begin to feel.
Keep a diary about this. You’ll be amazed.
(To learn more about the truths about love read, Save Your Relationship, (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), www.truthaboutlove.com
Experience more from the best selling author, psychologist and relationship expert who has helped thousands find strength, balance and fulfilling relationships.
2007-07-09
The Greatest Gift - What Is It?
The greatest gift we can give one another in a relationship is our true selves – being who we are. For some this is not difficult, but for most it takes practice to take off the masks and become real. At first it can seem frightening to stop playing games, and just be. However, much of the trouble that arises in relationships is because we are unwilling to do this. We think the games we play protect us, though they are actually the cause of the problems we have. Our need for real contact is so strong that when it is not there, our partner can easily feel lonely, rejected or as though they don’t matter much.
There are all kinds of ways we keep the games going. Instead of finding out who our partner truly is, or what they really need from us, when something happens we don’t like, we rush to label them. They become an object to us, a stranger, or opponent in some way. Before we give them a chance to reveal themselves, we throw them away. In this way we constantly separate ourselves from one another and then wonder why we feel so alone.
The biggest need we all have is to stop playing games, trust who we are and realize that each person who comes into our lives is there for a reason; they are worth knowing truly. We must learn to build bridges between ourselves and them; allow open communication to take place. When we are unwilling to do this, it is usually because we are hiding, afraid of being known.
How To Let Go of The Games We Play
To start on our journey of becoming real, it is useful to look closely at the roles we play—the fantasies we so cherish. These roles are often exactly what get in our way. Roles can be hypnotic, it is easy to fall in love with a role or fantasy and begin to believe it is who we truly are. Or, more commonly, we fall in love with the role someone else is playing, become mesmerized by it and have no idea at all who the real person is. When that happens, we are not falling in love with the person, but with the fantasy they are creating for us. It can and does come as quite a shock when things change and, one day, we find out who they truly are. At this point, many relationships get rocky.
There are many reasons it may feel dangerous to let go of a role or image. For some, the idea of being true has become confused with the idea of being selfish, not caring about the feelings of others. Oddly enough, just the opposite is so. When we are able to respond truthfully, real caring can begin to arise. On the other hand, when we act from our roles and games, we are implicitly demanding this kind of false response from others. This way of relating is deadening; and takes the enthusiasm, fun and aliveness away. Everything becomes predictable. Boredom sets in.
The biggest danger of being lost in a role is that we lose touch with the reality of who we really are and what’s going on, both for ourselves and others. An incredible amount of misunderstanding comes about when we are glued to a particular fantasy or role. Unglue yourself a little.
In order to unglue ourselves from the usual roles we play, it is helpful to step into another's shoes. Try seeing the situation from your partner’s point of view. Pretend you are them for a few moments; what would you need or want if that were true? Look at yourself through their eyes. You may be in for quite a surprise. As our compassion for and understanding of others increases, our stereotyped reactions melt away.
We constantly need to broaden our horizons. No relationship can stay the same forever. If it does grow, it begins to fade. If we do not expand, we begin to atrophy as well. As we become real and respond from the truth of who we are, a sense of fresh possibilities, flexibility and aliveness comes to us. It brings excitement and adventure as well. This a sure fire way to bring the greatest gift, both to others and to ourselves.
Cc/author/2007
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s top e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and noted author has helped thousands become stable, strong and fulfilled. Get free ezine and reports at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at : topspeaker@yahoo.com
Experience more from the best selling author, psychologist and relationship expert who has helped thousands find strength, balance and fulfilling relationships.
There are all kinds of ways we keep the games going. Instead of finding out who our partner truly is, or what they really need from us, when something happens we don’t like, we rush to label them. They become an object to us, a stranger, or opponent in some way. Before we give them a chance to reveal themselves, we throw them away. In this way we constantly separate ourselves from one another and then wonder why we feel so alone.
The biggest need we all have is to stop playing games, trust who we are and realize that each person who comes into our lives is there for a reason; they are worth knowing truly. We must learn to build bridges between ourselves and them; allow open communication to take place. When we are unwilling to do this, it is usually because we are hiding, afraid of being known.
How To Let Go of The Games We Play
To start on our journey of becoming real, it is useful to look closely at the roles we play—the fantasies we so cherish. These roles are often exactly what get in our way. Roles can be hypnotic, it is easy to fall in love with a role or fantasy and begin to believe it is who we truly are. Or, more commonly, we fall in love with the role someone else is playing, become mesmerized by it and have no idea at all who the real person is. When that happens, we are not falling in love with the person, but with the fantasy they are creating for us. It can and does come as quite a shock when things change and, one day, we find out who they truly are. At this point, many relationships get rocky.
There are many reasons it may feel dangerous to let go of a role or image. For some, the idea of being true has become confused with the idea of being selfish, not caring about the feelings of others. Oddly enough, just the opposite is so. When we are able to respond truthfully, real caring can begin to arise. On the other hand, when we act from our roles and games, we are implicitly demanding this kind of false response from others. This way of relating is deadening; and takes the enthusiasm, fun and aliveness away. Everything becomes predictable. Boredom sets in.
The biggest danger of being lost in a role is that we lose touch with the reality of who we really are and what’s going on, both for ourselves and others. An incredible amount of misunderstanding comes about when we are glued to a particular fantasy or role. Unglue yourself a little.
In order to unglue ourselves from the usual roles we play, it is helpful to step into another's shoes. Try seeing the situation from your partner’s point of view. Pretend you are them for a few moments; what would you need or want if that were true? Look at yourself through their eyes. You may be in for quite a surprise. As our compassion for and understanding of others increases, our stereotyped reactions melt away.
We constantly need to broaden our horizons. No relationship can stay the same forever. If it does grow, it begins to fade. If we do not expand, we begin to atrophy as well. As we become real and respond from the truth of who we are, a sense of fresh possibilities, flexibility and aliveness comes to us. It brings excitement and adventure as well. This a sure fire way to bring the greatest gift, both to others and to ourselves.
Cc/author/2007
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s top e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and noted author has helped thousands become stable, strong and fulfilled. Get free ezine and reports at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at : topspeaker@yahoo.com
Experience more from the best selling author, psychologist and relationship expert who has helped thousands find strength, balance and fulfilling relationships.
2007-07-05
How Love Grows (Practical Steps to Keeping Love Alive in Your Relationships)
We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they don’t feel it’s possible to have the same success in love. They tell themselves to “be realistic.” Being realistic about relationships” is considered natural as we “grow up” and give up the fantasies, foolishness and dreams of childhood. But being in love is the most mature and realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. The body heals the heart is happy. The real question is, how can we learn to help love grow in all aspects of our lives? What gets in the way?
The following steppingstones will show how to help love grow, whatever our situation. They include exercises to strengthen our love muscles, and turn our lives around.
The One Right Besides You
Most of the time we are either searching for the right person or wanting to change the one we are with. We do not take a precious moment to stop and truly see the one who is right in front of our eyes. And, beyond that, though we may not be aware of it, we do many things to push that person away.
Look at a person who is close to you right now – anyone it happens to be. Notice what you are demanding of them in order to be happy together. Then notice the subtle ways in which you push them away.
For a moment, stop it. Spend time just being together. Allow things to go whatever way they do. Let all of it be fine just as it is.
Tomorrow, do the same thing with someone else. The more we can be “right” and happy with each person we meet, the fuller and more joyous our lives will be.
Playing At The Game of Love
So many complain that they are not loved. The reason for this can be quite
simple. They are so busy playing roles and games that the partner never gets to know who they really are. They never know either.
Notice what roles (or games) you play in relationships, and what roles you
demand others play.. See if you are in love with the person you are with, or with the role he/she is playing right now.
Turn this around for a little while. Stop playing roles completely. Love is not a game we play. Love is knowing and accepting yourself and the other exactly as they are. Who we are is always loveable and beautiful. It’s the roles that get in the way.
Letting Him Come and Letting Him Go
One great obstacle in living a life of love is the tendency to hold on. We grasp
and cling to those we care for, preventing their freedom and ease. But this is not love, it is attachment and dependency. In the long run it suffocates the one you cling to and suffocates you too.
Try giving it up for awhile. Let the person come and go as they feel. See how wonderful both of you will feel when you grant your partner this kind of trust. It is said that we can never lose that which belongs to us.
It’s important to put this into action. When someone comes into your life (or
day) practice letting him come. Welcome the person – whoever he is. Enjoy what it is he brings.When it is time for a person to go away, practice letting him go. Do not turn the person’s leaving into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. Realize that his leaving has nothing to do with you. It is simply time for him to go.
Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely in life, not tying
yourself in unnecessary chains. The more we free others and ourselves, the more love can grow.
Letting Go Of Unnecessary Expectations
Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. They can be
quite amazed to discover that even when these demands are met, nothing really changes. These demands don’t lead to happiness. They just may be obstacles to love.
Take a look at what you feel is absolutely necessary in relationships. Realize this
Expectations may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away. Not only that, these expectations can be making you fearful and rigid, not open to what is available.
Let one of these demands subside. At first let it go for just one day and see how
it feels. (Remember you can always take it back again). Now try another the next day. As we do this many times, we may find that that which we thought was crucial was only getting in the way. The more we do this the lighter we will feel and all kinds of new people will start appearing in our lives. We have made room.
Giving Gifts
Giving and receiving are the fuel that keeps love burning strong. What gifts do you give in relationships? Take a few moments and also see what you hope to receive in return. Just giving for its own sake, without hoping for anything in return is the most powerful giving of all.
It’s important to practice this. Give something to someone each day. Then, find something new you can give and offer that. Now, do this with different kinds of people, those you might not have given to before.
It’s also important to do this with yourself as well. Each day take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like. (Can be simple – a walk in the park, new lipstick, time with someone you care for.) Although this exercise is simple, it is extremely powerful. Doing this daily can turn everything around. When we give freely and fully, we do not feel so needful. Less demands are placed on our relationships and we feel full and complete.
Becoming Your Own Best Friend
Many say they are lonely, even with a partner at their side. This is simply because
they have not yet made friends with themselves. Once they make friends with themselves and are able to be who they are, it is difficult to feel lonely again.
Make friends with yourself. Spend time noticing who you are and accept
whatever you notice, all parts of yourself. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on. Just notice and let it be. Understand that underneath the clamor, you are perfect just as you are.
When you learn to accept and make friends with yourself you can then become a
true friend to others, and also choose to be in relationships with those who value and appreciate you. As your love for yourself and others keep growing, the very meaning of relationships alters and life takes a whole new turn.
Cc/author/2007
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s top e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and noted author has helped thousands become stable, fulfilled and strong. Get free ezine and reports at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at : topspeaker@yahoo.com
Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
The following steppingstones will show how to help love grow, whatever our situation. They include exercises to strengthen our love muscles, and turn our lives around.
The One Right Besides You
Most of the time we are either searching for the right person or wanting to change the one we are with. We do not take a precious moment to stop and truly see the one who is right in front of our eyes. And, beyond that, though we may not be aware of it, we do many things to push that person away.
Look at a person who is close to you right now – anyone it happens to be. Notice what you are demanding of them in order to be happy together. Then notice the subtle ways in which you push them away.
For a moment, stop it. Spend time just being together. Allow things to go whatever way they do. Let all of it be fine just as it is.
Tomorrow, do the same thing with someone else. The more we can be “right” and happy with each person we meet, the fuller and more joyous our lives will be.
Playing At The Game of Love
So many complain that they are not loved. The reason for this can be quite
simple. They are so busy playing roles and games that the partner never gets to know who they really are. They never know either.
Notice what roles (or games) you play in relationships, and what roles you
demand others play.. See if you are in love with the person you are with, or with the role he/she is playing right now.
Turn this around for a little while. Stop playing roles completely. Love is not a game we play. Love is knowing and accepting yourself and the other exactly as they are. Who we are is always loveable and beautiful. It’s the roles that get in the way.
Letting Him Come and Letting Him Go
One great obstacle in living a life of love is the tendency to hold on. We grasp
and cling to those we care for, preventing their freedom and ease. But this is not love, it is attachment and dependency. In the long run it suffocates the one you cling to and suffocates you too.
Try giving it up for awhile. Let the person come and go as they feel. See how wonderful both of you will feel when you grant your partner this kind of trust. It is said that we can never lose that which belongs to us.
It’s important to put this into action. When someone comes into your life (or
day) practice letting him come. Welcome the person – whoever he is. Enjoy what it is he brings.When it is time for a person to go away, practice letting him go. Do not turn the person’s leaving into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. Realize that his leaving has nothing to do with you. It is simply time for him to go.
Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely in life, not tying
yourself in unnecessary chains. The more we free others and ourselves, the more love can grow.
Letting Go Of Unnecessary Expectations
Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. They can be
quite amazed to discover that even when these demands are met, nothing really changes. These demands don’t lead to happiness. They just may be obstacles to love.
Take a look at what you feel is absolutely necessary in relationships. Realize this
Expectations may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away. Not only that, these expectations can be making you fearful and rigid, not open to what is available.
Let one of these demands subside. At first let it go for just one day and see how
it feels. (Remember you can always take it back again). Now try another the next day. As we do this many times, we may find that that which we thought was crucial was only getting in the way. The more we do this the lighter we will feel and all kinds of new people will start appearing in our lives. We have made room.
Giving Gifts
Giving and receiving are the fuel that keeps love burning strong. What gifts do you give in relationships? Take a few moments and also see what you hope to receive in return. Just giving for its own sake, without hoping for anything in return is the most powerful giving of all.
It’s important to practice this. Give something to someone each day. Then, find something new you can give and offer that. Now, do this with different kinds of people, those you might not have given to before.
It’s also important to do this with yourself as well. Each day take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like. (Can be simple – a walk in the park, new lipstick, time with someone you care for.) Although this exercise is simple, it is extremely powerful. Doing this daily can turn everything around. When we give freely and fully, we do not feel so needful. Less demands are placed on our relationships and we feel full and complete.
Becoming Your Own Best Friend
Many say they are lonely, even with a partner at their side. This is simply because
they have not yet made friends with themselves. Once they make friends with themselves and are able to be who they are, it is difficult to feel lonely again.
Make friends with yourself. Spend time noticing who you are and accept
whatever you notice, all parts of yourself. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on. Just notice and let it be. Understand that underneath the clamor, you are perfect just as you are.
When you learn to accept and make friends with yourself you can then become a
true friend to others, and also choose to be in relationships with those who value and appreciate you. As your love for yourself and others keep growing, the very meaning of relationships alters and life takes a whole new turn.
Cc/author/2007
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s top e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and noted author has helped thousands become stable, fulfilled and strong. Get free ezine and reports at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at : topspeaker@yahoo.com
Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
2007-07-03
How To Break The Addiction To Anger
“In my mind are thoughts that can hurt or help me. I am
constantly choosing the contents of my mind.”
Dr. Gerald Jampolsky
It is easy to become addicted. We are all creatures of habit. Habits provide a sense of certainty, security and stability in our lives. When they are disrupted our sense of well being becomes easily threatened. However, when we depend upon a habit for our sense of well being, it is easy for it to develop into an addiction.
Addiction to anger is one of the most common and lethal addictions, and one most seldom recognized. The anger addict becomes hooked by the false sense of power anger brings. As the addiction grows, it consumes more and more of their lives, producing painful consequences.
The best way to undo an addiction is to look it squarely in the face, see what triggers it, how it functions become aware of the false promises it offers and the huge costs we pay. Then we replace old behaviors with new ones that are easy and enjoyable. As we dissolve an addiction we regain power back over our lives.
To begin to dissolve the addiction to anger, we will start by becoming aware. What is the source of this addiction? What function does it serve?
Functions of Addictions
When we are addicted to anything (anger, substances, relationships), many troubling aspects of life are blocked out. Our focus narrows. The addiction numbs us to painful feelings we may not wish to deal with. The addiction is serving as a defense against anxiety. It prevents us from seeing and dealing with issues, which need to be attended to.
In particular, an addiction to anger provides a sense of power. This is often a defense against feeling helpless or inadequate. Individuals become blind to the fact that as the addiction develops, they will need more and more of it to feel okay. Not only does the dosage increase, but so does the negative impact upon their lives. Addiction provides a false sense of security. At first it makes the individual feel safe and secure. The reality, however, is that an addiction blinds an individual from doing what needs to be done to build a life of true value and stability.
Effects Of Addiction To Anger
When we are angry we often have a temporary feeling of strength, energy,
power, authority or control. Much like alcohol, the surge of anger, which takes over, block out fears, inhibitions and doubts. There is a temporary sense of freedom and empowerment that we normally lack.
Anger also blocks out logical thought processes, producing a sense that we are absolutely right. Some individuals who have trouble making decisions can make them easily then. Decisions made while angry often focus only upon a limited aspect of the situation. These kinds of decisions rarely provide positive outcomes.
Anger provides a sense of justification. Many actions that might seem unacceptable when calm seem perfectly fine when we are angry. Anger also encourages us to blurt out negative thoughts and feelings we may have been holding in that might have better gone left unsaid. Of course, after the surge of anger passes, it is difficult to take these words back. Even if we apologize the after effects remain.
Dissolving The Addiction To Anger:
1)List the times in which you feel angry or upset automatically. What person, thoughts, memory or situation brings this up? For now, just notice this and write it down. As you go through the day, if another situation strikes you, step back, notice it, and write it down as well. Rather than reacting blindly, you are now taking time to become aware. Once you become fully aware of the way anger operates in your life it will not be able to sneak up from behind.
2)Find a substitute for the automatic angry reaction. Instead of reacting the same old way the next time the situation arises, stop, breathe and tell yourself, I will not be a slave to anger anymore. Stop and listen to the person and say to yourself, “This time I will let them be right. There’s plenty of time to be right later.” See how much better you feel now getting pulled down into anger.
3)Find a new way of viewing the situation. Instead of seeing them as an enemy, tell yourself that their anger is a cry for help. It comes from pain and conflict within. Instead of going on the attack, say to the person (either in your mind or out loud), “What can I do to serve you?” Not only will this diffuse the anger, but will open new doors for both of you to walk through.
Watch stress and sickness melt away on The Anger Diet. Top psychologist and relationship expert presents award winning program that has helped thousands become strong and stable. To learn more go to: http://www.theangerdiet.com. For free ezine and articles, go to http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact - topspeaker@yahoo.com. 212) 288-0028.
Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
constantly choosing the contents of my mind.”
Dr. Gerald Jampolsky
It is easy to become addicted. We are all creatures of habit. Habits provide a sense of certainty, security and stability in our lives. When they are disrupted our sense of well being becomes easily threatened. However, when we depend upon a habit for our sense of well being, it is easy for it to develop into an addiction.
Addiction to anger is one of the most common and lethal addictions, and one most seldom recognized. The anger addict becomes hooked by the false sense of power anger brings. As the addiction grows, it consumes more and more of their lives, producing painful consequences.
The best way to undo an addiction is to look it squarely in the face, see what triggers it, how it functions become aware of the false promises it offers and the huge costs we pay. Then we replace old behaviors with new ones that are easy and enjoyable. As we dissolve an addiction we regain power back over our lives.
To begin to dissolve the addiction to anger, we will start by becoming aware. What is the source of this addiction? What function does it serve?
Functions of Addictions
When we are addicted to anything (anger, substances, relationships), many troubling aspects of life are blocked out. Our focus narrows. The addiction numbs us to painful feelings we may not wish to deal with. The addiction is serving as a defense against anxiety. It prevents us from seeing and dealing with issues, which need to be attended to.
In particular, an addiction to anger provides a sense of power. This is often a defense against feeling helpless or inadequate. Individuals become blind to the fact that as the addiction develops, they will need more and more of it to feel okay. Not only does the dosage increase, but so does the negative impact upon their lives. Addiction provides a false sense of security. At first it makes the individual feel safe and secure. The reality, however, is that an addiction blinds an individual from doing what needs to be done to build a life of true value and stability.
Effects Of Addiction To Anger
When we are angry we often have a temporary feeling of strength, energy,
power, authority or control. Much like alcohol, the surge of anger, which takes over, block out fears, inhibitions and doubts. There is a temporary sense of freedom and empowerment that we normally lack.
Anger also blocks out logical thought processes, producing a sense that we are absolutely right. Some individuals who have trouble making decisions can make them easily then. Decisions made while angry often focus only upon a limited aspect of the situation. These kinds of decisions rarely provide positive outcomes.
Anger provides a sense of justification. Many actions that might seem unacceptable when calm seem perfectly fine when we are angry. Anger also encourages us to blurt out negative thoughts and feelings we may have been holding in that might have better gone left unsaid. Of course, after the surge of anger passes, it is difficult to take these words back. Even if we apologize the after effects remain.
Dissolving The Addiction To Anger:
1)List the times in which you feel angry or upset automatically. What person, thoughts, memory or situation brings this up? For now, just notice this and write it down. As you go through the day, if another situation strikes you, step back, notice it, and write it down as well. Rather than reacting blindly, you are now taking time to become aware. Once you become fully aware of the way anger operates in your life it will not be able to sneak up from behind.
2)Find a substitute for the automatic angry reaction. Instead of reacting the same old way the next time the situation arises, stop, breathe and tell yourself, I will not be a slave to anger anymore. Stop and listen to the person and say to yourself, “This time I will let them be right. There’s plenty of time to be right later.” See how much better you feel now getting pulled down into anger.
3)Find a new way of viewing the situation. Instead of seeing them as an enemy, tell yourself that their anger is a cry for help. It comes from pain and conflict within. Instead of going on the attack, say to the person (either in your mind or out loud), “What can I do to serve you?” Not only will this diffuse the anger, but will open new doors for both of you to walk through.
Watch stress and sickness melt away on The Anger Diet. Top psychologist and relationship expert presents award winning program that has helped thousands become strong and stable. To learn more go to: http://www.theangerdiet.com. For free ezine and articles, go to http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact - topspeaker@yahoo.com. 212) 288-0028.
Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
2007-06-12
Four Steps To Becoming Closer (Developing Emotional Intimacy)
FOUR WAYS TO BECOME CLOSER
DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
Even when they are in relationships, many wish to become closer to their partners and share quality time that is truly intimate. They want to feel free to express all of themselves. Although many try in all kinds of ways, it is helpful to learn some direct steps, which open emotional doors between partners and deepen the bond they share.
The heart and soul of intimacy begins with communication. However, few really know how to listen, or how to find the right time or way to express what is inside. Some communicate to control, manipulate, or be right. Others communicate to present an image of who they are, to impress and gain approval. Their communication creates a wall that doesn't let another in. No matter how many gifts they give to their partner, it never seems to be enough. Of course the real gift everyone wants is to be truly known and heard.
True emotional intimacy begins with willingness to be who you are - to express yourself honestly and fully and to know that your partner is able to accept you as you are. This also includes the reverse - your being able to really listen, understand and accept your partner and what he needs to share.
Many relationships are based upon an on-going struggle to fix or change the other person. They are not good enough as they are. This struggle blocks intimacy as the partner always feels criticized in some way. The greatest barrier to emotional intimacy is the feeling that we have to be someone different than who we are.
The following simple steps open the way for intimacy. They allow you to practice a communication that sets up an atmosphere in which intimacy can grow. These exercises are simple and yet powerful. They will help you to make friends with both your partner and yourself.
1) ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER AS THEY ARE. (Accept yourself as you are as well).
Stop criticizing, complaining, and letting your partner know what's wrong with them, what's missing. Drop the desire to change them. When something happens that usually causes you to criticize or complain, just let it be as it is. Say to yourself, I will let this person be as they are and let go of my wish to control them. Watch how they begin to open up as this goes on.
STEP 2 - FOCUS ON WHAT'S RIGHT ABOUT YOUR PARTNER. LET THEM KNOW.
You fell in love with your partner for some reason. Focus upon what it is that drew you to them, the things they've done that make you happy. Then, tell them so. So often we communicate the complaints and keep the praise and acknowledgment silent. Start doing the reverse of this. Make a point of letting your partner know whenever he does something to please you, or when there is something about him that you genuinely like and respect. This is not flattery, but the process of acknowledgment. We usually think the person already knows what is good about them, but actually this is rarely so. It is crucial to "acknowledge" what is happening. Open up and tell them how they made you happy, or what about them you enjoy and respect. (This also lets our partner know what pleases and is meaningful to us).
STEP 3 - LISTENING WITH LOVE
Listening means, stopping our own inner dialogue and drama and really being there for another person. We allow the person to say whatever it is they have in their mind. We do not correct, interrupt, try to teach them something, or bring up other instances when they were wrong. Instead really listening means creating an environment where the other feels and is "heard".
So often we do not "hear" the other, but only hear the voices in our own mind. We have personal agendas for how they should be acting and what we want them to say. Unless we drop those agendas, we can never really become close or know the person we are with. Here is a secret - when a person feels really listened to and heard, they always feel loved.
To practice this exercise - clear you mind and focus only upon your partner and what he is saying to you. Do not think of an answer, do not think of anything. Listen carefully and then at the right moment, paraphrase what he said to you, just so he knows you are with him and have heard what he said. For example, you could say, I heard you say that you feel you need more space. Don't comment upon this, analyze it, or anything. Just let him know he's been heard. Mirror to him the essence of what he's said. This will let him know you are with him, listening to him fully, not finding ways to criticize or change.
STEP 4 - ASKING AND RECEIVING
Ask for what you want and need. You give a great gift to the other by asking for what you really want. Many are afraid to ask for fear that if they let their partner know what they really want, they could be turned down. It requires the willingness to be open and vulnerable. Ask for what you want and what is important to you. You will be amazed at the fact that very often your partner had no idea.
Once you ask for what you want, allow yourself to receive it, and offer thanks. Many people take what is given without offering thanks, gratitude and acknowledgment of how much the gift meant to them. This leaves the giver feeling upset. Make sure you fully let your partner know how much the gift meant to you.
Now, of course, do the reverse. Find out what your partner truly wants and needs. See if you can give it to them. If you cannot, discuss it. Don't allow it to fester. Once something is honestly discussed, the two of you can make adjustments and move on. When two individuals feel known, heard and accepted, not only does the emotional intimacy grow, but a sense of wholeness and well-being develops alongside as well.
Although these steps are simple they are extremely powerful. Try one today and see. If you do them day after day, it is impossible not to find the bond deepening naturally.
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and has run over 500 workshops and helped thousands become strong, stable and fulfilled. Contact her at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. Her personal
website is: http://www.brendashoshanna.com/
Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
Even when they are in relationships, many wish to become closer to their partners and share quality time that is truly intimate. They want to feel free to express all of themselves. Although many try in all kinds of ways, it is helpful to learn some direct steps, which open emotional doors between partners and deepen the bond they share.
The heart and soul of intimacy begins with communication. However, few really know how to listen, or how to find the right time or way to express what is inside. Some communicate to control, manipulate, or be right. Others communicate to present an image of who they are, to impress and gain approval. Their communication creates a wall that doesn't let another in. No matter how many gifts they give to their partner, it never seems to be enough. Of course the real gift everyone wants is to be truly known and heard.
True emotional intimacy begins with willingness to be who you are - to express yourself honestly and fully and to know that your partner is able to accept you as you are. This also includes the reverse - your being able to really listen, understand and accept your partner and what he needs to share.
Many relationships are based upon an on-going struggle to fix or change the other person. They are not good enough as they are. This struggle blocks intimacy as the partner always feels criticized in some way. The greatest barrier to emotional intimacy is the feeling that we have to be someone different than who we are.
The following simple steps open the way for intimacy. They allow you to practice a communication that sets up an atmosphere in which intimacy can grow. These exercises are simple and yet powerful. They will help you to make friends with both your partner and yourself.
1) ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER AS THEY ARE. (Accept yourself as you are as well).
Stop criticizing, complaining, and letting your partner know what's wrong with them, what's missing. Drop the desire to change them. When something happens that usually causes you to criticize or complain, just let it be as it is. Say to yourself, I will let this person be as they are and let go of my wish to control them. Watch how they begin to open up as this goes on.
STEP 2 - FOCUS ON WHAT'S RIGHT ABOUT YOUR PARTNER. LET THEM KNOW.
You fell in love with your partner for some reason. Focus upon what it is that drew you to them, the things they've done that make you happy. Then, tell them so. So often we communicate the complaints and keep the praise and acknowledgment silent. Start doing the reverse of this. Make a point of letting your partner know whenever he does something to please you, or when there is something about him that you genuinely like and respect. This is not flattery, but the process of acknowledgment. We usually think the person already knows what is good about them, but actually this is rarely so. It is crucial to "acknowledge" what is happening. Open up and tell them how they made you happy, or what about them you enjoy and respect. (This also lets our partner know what pleases and is meaningful to us).
STEP 3 - LISTENING WITH LOVE
Listening means, stopping our own inner dialogue and drama and really being there for another person. We allow the person to say whatever it is they have in their mind. We do not correct, interrupt, try to teach them something, or bring up other instances when they were wrong. Instead really listening means creating an environment where the other feels and is "heard".
So often we do not "hear" the other, but only hear the voices in our own mind. We have personal agendas for how they should be acting and what we want them to say. Unless we drop those agendas, we can never really become close or know the person we are with. Here is a secret - when a person feels really listened to and heard, they always feel loved.
To practice this exercise - clear you mind and focus only upon your partner and what he is saying to you. Do not think of an answer, do not think of anything. Listen carefully and then at the right moment, paraphrase what he said to you, just so he knows you are with him and have heard what he said. For example, you could say, I heard you say that you feel you need more space. Don't comment upon this, analyze it, or anything. Just let him know he's been heard. Mirror to him the essence of what he's said. This will let him know you are with him, listening to him fully, not finding ways to criticize or change.
STEP 4 - ASKING AND RECEIVING
Ask for what you want and need. You give a great gift to the other by asking for what you really want. Many are afraid to ask for fear that if they let their partner know what they really want, they could be turned down. It requires the willingness to be open and vulnerable. Ask for what you want and what is important to you. You will be amazed at the fact that very often your partner had no idea.
Once you ask for what you want, allow yourself to receive it, and offer thanks. Many people take what is given without offering thanks, gratitude and acknowledgment of how much the gift meant to them. This leaves the giver feeling upset. Make sure you fully let your partner know how much the gift meant to you.
Now, of course, do the reverse. Find out what your partner truly wants and needs. See if you can give it to them. If you cannot, discuss it. Don't allow it to fester. Once something is honestly discussed, the two of you can make adjustments and move on. When two individuals feel known, heard and accepted, not only does the emotional intimacy grow, but a sense of wholeness and well-being develops alongside as well.
Although these steps are simple they are extremely powerful. Try one today and see. If you do them day after day, it is impossible not to find the bond deepening naturally.
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and has run over 500 workshops and helped thousands become strong, stable and fulfilled. Contact her at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. Her personal
website is: http://www.brendashoshanna.com/
Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
2007-04-29
How To Reject Rejection
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna[Self-Improvement:Attraction]
Article:
Rejection is one of the most painful experiences in relationships. Not only rejection from our partner, but also rejection from ourselves. As soon as some feel their partner is finding fault with them, they quickly begin to reject themselves. Their sense of self-worth and lovability is directly linked to how their partner feels about them. When an individual is in an abusive relationship, where rejection and fault finding is on-going, it is not unusual for them to completely lose confidence in themselves and their ability to ever love again.
But let’s look at this more closely. What is really happening when a person is feeling rejected? Is it really due to the behavior of their partner, or is it that they are now down on themselves? When a person feels really secure and good about themselves, it doesn’t matter how anyone else treats them or what they do or say. Here is a basic law of love. When you thoroughly absorb this and practice it in your relationships, your sense of self worth and equilibrium automatically grows.
How A Person Treats You Says More About Them Then About You
Negative behavior from your partner reflects on them, not you. It is their difficulty they are expressing. Never take it personally. When you take it personally, it simply means that now you are agreeing with their negativity and rejecting yourself.
The Dynamics Of Rejection If we look more closely we can discover that rejection is a common occurrence. Many of us are involved in it on an on-going basis. From morning to night, we complain, judge, condemn and basically reject most of what life brings to us. We want one thing and get another. We enjoy warm weather and it always rains. We want our partner to behave in one way and they do the opposite. We can even start to feel there’s something wrong with everyone we meet, that we have to fix, change or instruct them. This keeps us feeling separate and alone. What we do not see is that we ourselves have set into motion this experience of rejection.
Guideline: Stopping Rejection
If you are being rejected a lot, take time to notice the ways in which you reject yourself or others. Then stop it. Turn it around. Look for what is good or right about the person or situation in front of you. Look for what is good and right about yourself.
Do Not Look For The Faults Of Others
Loneliness and upset in our relationships comes from projecting our faults onto others, and then rejecting them. It also comes from others doing the same to us. When we do this, we then spend most of our time trying to change and control others or ourselves. This never, ever makes for happy relationships where both parties can be themselves, feel wanted and naturally grow.
When we catch ourselves being rejected or rejecting others, we can stop this process by taking responsibility for what is happening. We can immediately look for our part in how we are perceiving others - and ourselves.
Here are 2 more laws of love:
1) The more we value, like and appreciate ourselves, the less we will be affected by rejection.
2) The more we value, like and appreciate others, the less they will reject us.
The experience of acceptance and oneness is what everyone desires. Give that to others and give it to yourself. In order to do this we must realize that whoever appears before us, is simply another face of ourselves. Judgment or the desire to change them is not necessary. Curiosity is a better response.
As we allow others to be who they are, and view them with understanding the mind that accepts develops in us. This mind is your greatest asset.. The mind that accepts provides a positive outlook that nurtures and upholds all life.
This may take a little time and practice, but it is well worth it. As we practice this kind of open-heartedness it will soon become obvious that the way we treat others is also the way we treat ourselves. The more we accept others, the happier, healthier and more fulfilled our lives and relationships will be.
SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP (www.truthaboutlove.com) is a ground-breaking relationship counseling program. It unlocks to the proven methods to overcoming the most difficult relationship problems.
Written by Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.
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Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
2007-04-26
From Anger to Peace of Mind
6 Steps To Releasing Anger and Feeling Good Again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anger is a lethal force that undermines our lives in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it erupts openly and other times it camouflages itself and covertly undermines your life. Some experience anger as strength and power. They feel it is necessary in order to maintain control. Others assume they have the right to express anger. These are some of the lies anger tells us.
In fact, when we are angry we are out of control and our ability to respond wisely is diminished. It's time to look at anger in a new way and understand what it really is. Then we can take new steps that help us of anger, make us feel better, and see clearly what to do.
Step 1: Realize that anger is a choice you make
Anger is not a form of power, strength, or control. It is a toxin, which sometimes provides a temporary high. After this high subsides, the individual is left weaker and more uncertain than before. Not only that, the negative consequences of our outburst have to be handled. Basically anger narrows our focus, creates confusion and limits our ability to find constructive solutions.
When anger arises, stop, breathe deeply, and immediately look at the larger perspective. Put the incident in context.
For a moment, allow the other person to be "right". Tell yourself you have plenty of time to be right later. Your main goal is to have the anger subside so you can be in control.
Step 2: Pinpoint the 24 forms of anger.
Anger camouflages itself and manifests in many ways. Unrecognized anger turns into all kinds of unwanted behavior that become impossible to stop. We have to become aware that this behavior is just another form of anger and pull it out at the root.
Some of the 24 forms of anger are: depression, hypocrisy, self- sabotage, low self- esteem, burnout, passive aggressive behavior, compulsions, perfectionism, gossiping, lying, and various addictions. When you realize that these are being fueled by anger, you can take appropriate steps to handle them.
Step 3: Give Up Being A Martyr - Stop Giving and Taking Guilt
Most martyrs do not think of themselves as martyrs. They may describe themselves as long- suffering, giving much more than they get. There's a huge difference between giving and manipulation. Martyrs manipulate with guilt.
But guilt is a lethal toxin, fueled by anger. When you make someone feel guilty, you are harming them. When people feel guilty they find some way to punish themselves and others. Give up giving guilt and also give up taking it. Recognize this as a form of anger, which has no constructive outcome.
Step 4: Stop Casting Blame
Blaming others (and ourselves) is an expression of hurt, disappointment and anger and never leads to a constructive solution. Stop casting blame. By blaming others you are disempowering yourself. By taking responsibility you are taking back control. Stop a moment and see the situation through your opponent's eyes. When you do this blame dissolves on the spot.
The best defense against being hurt is to feel good about yourself and the way a person responds to you says more about them, than about you. As you stop casting blame you will be letting go of all kinds of resentments. Resentment inevitably affects our well-being and always bounces back on us. Look for and find what is positive in each individual. Focus on that.
Step 5 - Create Realistic Expectations
There is nothing that makes us more angry and hurt than expectations we've been holding onto that have not been met. It is important that you become aware of your expectations. Are they realistic? Does the other person hold similar expectations in your relationship?
Let go of unrealistic fantasies. Once this is done, much opportunity for anger diminishes on the spot.
Step 6 - Develop A Grateful Mind
See what different people in your lives are truly giving to you. We often take many things for granted and are even unaware of all that we are receiving day by day.
Take time to write down each day what you are receiving. Be grateful for that. Make a point of giving thanks. The more we thank others, the happier we become.
Also, take time to write down all that you have given others that day. It may be a surprise. We often think we are giving so much and receiving so little. This is a great cause of anger and feelings of deprivation. However, when we take time daily to look carefully, we are often surprised and how much we have received and how little given in return. As we see how much we receive daily, anger naturally subsides and we learn to take pleasure both in what we give and receive.
Cc/author/2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anger is a lethal force that undermines our lives in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it erupts openly and other times it camouflages itself and covertly undermines your life. Some experience anger as strength and power. They feel it is necessary in order to maintain control. Others assume they have the right to express anger. These are some of the lies anger tells us.
In fact, when we are angry we are out of control and our ability to respond wisely is diminished. It's time to look at anger in a new way and understand what it really is. Then we can take new steps that help us of anger, make us feel better, and see clearly what to do.
Step 1: Realize that anger is a choice you make
Anger is not a form of power, strength, or control. It is a toxin, which sometimes provides a temporary high. After this high subsides, the individual is left weaker and more uncertain than before. Not only that, the negative consequences of our outburst have to be handled. Basically anger narrows our focus, creates confusion and limits our ability to find constructive solutions.
When anger arises, stop, breathe deeply, and immediately look at the larger perspective. Put the incident in context.
For a moment, allow the other person to be "right". Tell yourself you have plenty of time to be right later. Your main goal is to have the anger subside so you can be in control.
Step 2: Pinpoint the 24 forms of anger.
Anger camouflages itself and manifests in many ways. Unrecognized anger turns into all kinds of unwanted behavior that become impossible to stop. We have to become aware that this behavior is just another form of anger and pull it out at the root.
Some of the 24 forms of anger are: depression, hypocrisy, self- sabotage, low self- esteem, burnout, passive aggressive behavior, compulsions, perfectionism, gossiping, lying, and various addictions. When you realize that these are being fueled by anger, you can take appropriate steps to handle them.
Step 3: Give Up Being A Martyr - Stop Giving and Taking Guilt
Most martyrs do not think of themselves as martyrs. They may describe themselves as long- suffering, giving much more than they get. There's a huge difference between giving and manipulation. Martyrs manipulate with guilt.
But guilt is a lethal toxin, fueled by anger. When you make someone feel guilty, you are harming them. When people feel guilty they find some way to punish themselves and others. Give up giving guilt and also give up taking it. Recognize this as a form of anger, which has no constructive outcome.
Step 4: Stop Casting Blame
Blaming others (and ourselves) is an expression of hurt, disappointment and anger and never leads to a constructive solution. Stop casting blame. By blaming others you are disempowering yourself. By taking responsibility you are taking back control. Stop a moment and see the situation through your opponent's eyes. When you do this blame dissolves on the spot.
The best defense against being hurt is to feel good about yourself and the way a person responds to you says more about them, than about you. As you stop casting blame you will be letting go of all kinds of resentments. Resentment inevitably affects our well-being and always bounces back on us. Look for and find what is positive in each individual. Focus on that.
Step 5 - Create Realistic Expectations
There is nothing that makes us more angry and hurt than expectations we've been holding onto that have not been met. It is important that you become aware of your expectations. Are they realistic? Does the other person hold similar expectations in your relationship?
Let go of unrealistic fantasies. Once this is done, much opportunity for anger diminishes on the spot.
Step 6 - Develop A Grateful Mind
See what different people in your lives are truly giving to you. We often take many things for granted and are even unaware of all that we are receiving day by day.
Take time to write down each day what you are receiving. Be grateful for that. Make a point of giving thanks. The more we thank others, the happier we become.
Also, take time to write down all that you have given others that day. It may be a surprise. We often think we are giving so much and receiving so little. This is a great cause of anger and feelings of deprivation. However, when we take time daily to look carefully, we are often surprised and how much we have received and how little given in return. As we see how much we receive daily, anger naturally subsides and we learn to take pleasure both in what we give and receive.
Cc/author/2007
Melt away toxic feelings and make your relationships all you want them to be in the award winning program The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living), McMeel. www.theangerdiet.com. Give up one form of anger a day and learn how to replace it with a healthy, life giving antidote.
Go On The Anger Diet And Start To Feel Good Today - Click here for get a copy
Go On The Anger Diet And Start To Feel Good Today - Click here for get a copy
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