When Your Partner Strays (Why It Happens, What To Do)

by Dr. Shoshanna



Infidelity and the threat of it, is the largest single issue that threatens relationships. If the partner has actually been unfaithful, or even if there is a suggestion of interest in another, the marriage automatically goes into a crisis mode.

The basis of all good relationships is the ability to trust. It is not only the sexual betrayal but the fact of having been lied to that is so devastating. This break of trust takes time, patience and wisdom to repair. Rather than lapse into hurt and blame, it is absolutely necessary to understand and discuss what caused this breach to happen.

Understanding Infidelity

Often infidelity arises because certain needs in a marriage have not been met. Other times it arises as an act of resentment against the partner, or as a desire for freedom and adventure. Sometimes there are issues in the individual or in the relationship which have not been dealt with and which have simply festered. Rather than deal with them directly, the person then escapes the entire situation by getting involved with someone else.

Whether or not you stay in the relationship, it is necessary to uncover the true causes. Many women blame themselves for it and are often left feeling unattractive and unlovable. This negative reaction must be handled. When the woman understands the true causes of what happened, she will not be left with tattered self esteem. (The same is true for men).

The question often comes whether or not it is possible to repair the broken trust and go forward in the marriage after infidelity. If both individuals are willing to confront the issues, be open to honest communication, be respectful of one another, then the marriage can emerge even stronger than before.

Nevertheless, all must realize that this takes time, patience and commitment. The feelings of betrayal and suspiciousness may continue to go on for awhile. When they appear, it is necessary to address them and receive the reassurance needed once again. It is also necessary to create firm boundaries in the relationship that are adhered to and respected by both individuals.

Is it Cheating?

The question of what is infidelity has become much broader now, as individuals have such great access to others through the internet, where it is easy to satisfy wishes for companionship, fantasy or adventure. It is important to realize, however, that when we do not see or have to interact with another in person, when no demands are made of us, it is easy for fantasy relationships to develop. Due to the anonymity available individuals often feel that they can easily exchange intimacies that are not so easy to exchange in person. This stimulates a hotbed of fantasy and it is easy to feel one has someone in their life who cares and is there for them.

Online Relationships

Online relationships have become a common and easy way to find adventure and diffuse stress. Many wonder whether intimacies exchanged with strangers online constitutes an infidelity of some kind. This is a delicate question which must be answered individually by the couples themselves. Many feel disturbed and threatened by their partner sharing intimacies with strangers online.

Sharing intimacies with another in this manner has been called emotional infidelity, not having sex with another, but thinking of them, being with them in fantasy and withdrawing emotions from the marriage partner herself. There is a thin line here and it is crossed easily, so online relationships for those who are married need to be discussed, defined and boundaries set for them.

Again, one must question why this on-line relationship is gong on at all? How much intimacy is available in the marriage? One has to explore why this is happening at all.

Easy Access To Temptation

Unfortunately, due to its easy accessibility, many married men are found engaging in online porn. When their wives find out they feel utterly betrayed, threatened, unattractive, humiliated and insecure.

Sometimes they discover the online porn because their husband’s sexual desire for them has decreased and their lovemaking is much less frequent. Online porn can become and often is an addiction. It can be much harder to break than one first realizes. This kind of addiction does not necessarily arise because the husband feels that his wife is undesirable, but because it is so much easier to relate in a fantasy mode than with a real flesh and blood person. In fantasy, one does not have to meet the needs of the other, or prove themselves in anyway.

These fantasy situations can also provide all kinds of highs and excitement that a real flesh and blood relationship is not able to offer anymore. This can become a serious problem which requires professional help. In these cases, it is necessary to let your partner know that this behavior is unacceptable, unhealthy, bad for your sense of self esteem.

Set Firm Boundaries

Boundaries have to be firmly set here. Many men minimize their involvement with online porn, and do not realize the consequences this activity is having and what a threat it is to their relationship. Even though the man minimizes it, the woman must hold onto her own reality and need for respect. She must see to it that professional help is sought if he cannot stop by himself. The longer an addiction grows the harder it can be to let go of.

It is important to recognize these threats to your relationship for what they are, not blame yourself for them or brush them under the table, but to face them directly in a constructive and hopeful way. Blaming the self or blaming the other is never helpful and leads nowhere. Acceptance, communication and understanding, however, go a long way. Needless to say, both must be willing to work on this together.

If one partner is not willing to deal with it, then the other should seek help in making constructive choices for themselves. All relationships go through challenges. Whether they destroy your relationship or make it stronger, is up to both of you. It takes two to make this commitment, however. One person cannot do it alone.

Discover the surprising truths about love and how they can save your relationship in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book and program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), www.truthaboutlove.com. This program has helped thousands and it can help you too.

Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

4 Secrets Men Keep And Why You Should Let Them

Many of us believe that if we are close to our man, we should know everything he is thinking, the secrets he keeps are little enemies, tearing us apart. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is absolutely necessary for each person in a relationship to have their own personal world, their thoughts, feelings and boundaries that belong to them and no one else.

Being close doesn’t mean being “fused” into one person. It means loving, honoring and respecting the other and sharing what it is that can be shared. If a man (or woman) feels that there is no room for them to have their own thoughts and experiences while in a relationship, they can easily feel that their individuality and sense of self is slipping away. Needless to say, a good relationship not only brings two people closer, but enhances each person’s sense of self worth and individuality. Here are 5 secrets that men often keep to themselves, and why it is important to let them do so.

1)That he looks at and is attracted to other women.

Don’t pry into this. Some women keep asking their man whether or not he is attracted to other women. A man who doesn’t look at anyone, or feel anything for them is either very old, very tired or lying. There is nothing wrong for a man to look at and admire other women, as long as he does it discretely, and not make a show of it before others or before you - as long as he doesn’t use it to make you insecure or competitive with the other women.

Looking at and responding to others doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you desirable, or that he’s comparing you. Most men fuel their sexuality and fantasies by looking at and admiring others. If you ask them to talk about it, not only will it make you nervous, but they can often feel shamed, embarrassed and exposed, unable to do what they do naturally, without being censured. Enjoy his love for you and leave well enough alone.

2)Details of his past relationships.

Some women become obsessed with finding out everything about their man’s past relationships. They need to know if they measure up, if he’s as happy with them as he was with others, what went wrong in the past relationships, or if he’s really over a past love. There’s no need to probe this, however. He was a different man in the past. Don’t hold his past wrongs against him. He doesn’t want to be reminded of them, and particularly doesn’t want you to see him in a bad light. Let him be who is he now.

Let him feel good about how he is with you, not be dragged past into memories of other people or of what did or did not do. The best way for him to forget old girlfriends is to feel happy, close and safe with you. Because he loved once, does not mean he cannot love again now. When we let the past be the past that is where it will stay.

3)Exactly how happy he is in relationship?

Many women just can’t wait to get around to the “relationship” discussion. They want to know how he’s feeling about things in general, and at some point or another, sit him down to get all the details. This makes most men feel pressured, on the line and restless. They don’t know exactly what you want them to tell you or what it’s going to mean. Some fear repercussions for what they say. Communication that’s healthy in a relationship is on-going. It’s good to set up a situation where both of you can express your feelings as they arise – have them heard and attended to.

Sitting down for an “intense” discussion is not something most men are comfortable doing. It makes them feel judged and criticized and if it happens too often, can easily make them drift away.

4)If he enjoys being with his friends more than being with you?

Many women become possessive of their man’s attention and resentful of time spent away from them, particularly nights out with the guys or any time spent with other friends, having a good time. The women want to be included in everything as proof of his love for them. When the guy has spent time with his buddies, they want to know if he enjoyed that time more than being with them. It is a bad idea to question him about this, or make him feel that he has to choose. Time spent with buddies is crucial for many men, it is a time of male bonding that is greatly needed, no matter how much he cares for you.

Some women interfere with her man’s friendships and even his relationship with his family, she feels so threatened. But truly loving someone means allowing them to be all of whom they are – fulfilling all their needs and realizing that no matter how much they love you they also need others in their lives.

When you have a truly healthy relationship, you are secure in his feelings for you, and want to see him happy and fulfilled with others. The more fulfilled he is, the more he can then give to you. Let the time he has with his buddies belong to him. Don’t question him about details, don’t make him feel guilty as though he is taking something away from you.

cc/author/2006

Discover the surprising truths about love and how they can heal your relationship in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book, Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), http://www.truthaboutlove.com

How To Heal Your Relationship

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:

Many of us run into the same problems in relationships over and over. Even though we have a new partner, often nothing changes. It is natural to carry memories of all that has gone on in the past. For some these memories become wounds, for others, they become treasures. It is important to know how to heal past relationships, so that we can have a chance to start new and grow.

Building Bridges

When we try to block out the past from our lives, it arises again at the oddest times, causing old patterns to re-run. The art of healing our relationships is learning how to build a bridge between the person we are today and the person we used to be. Rather than hate old partners, or experiences, it is necessary to learn how to find the treasure each experience provided.

A Lesson In Each Experience

There is a valuable lesson in each experience. There is a way we can view what happened which will help us become strong. When we look for what each experience has taught us and apply the lesson, our entire life opens up. Then the past can make us strong. Each person we've encountered, (whether we liked them or not) becomes a bridge, a way to deepen the love and understanding we become capable of.

Yet, so few of us know how to do this. In a sense we are all like flowers longing for the light while we keep our petals closed, lost in sorrow and resentment. There is plenty of sun and light available, but if we are closed, we cannot let it in.

Making Peace

The crucial lesson we must learn is how to make peace with the pain we’ve gone through, and allows resentment and judgment to subside. Only then are we free to let new people and experiences into our world. Only then are we free to truly live in a present, which is constantly new.

To forgive means to give up – to give up judgment, blame resentment, revenge and cruelty of heart. It means finding a new way to understand what happened and take responsibility for our part in the dance. Beyond that, it means understanding that each person gave us what they could at that particular time of their lives. Our expectations and demands of them, are what have caused the pain. When we let one person “off the hook”, often to our surprise, we find our expectations and needs met by someone or something entirely new.

The crucial step in this process is to give up judging, rejecting or criticizing others. To stop labeling them as good or bad. Instead, it is crucial to look at our own expectations, and realize that we can never hope to have them all met by one person or another. It is up to us to reach within, find the kind spot in our hearts and help it grow. When our own loving hearts are fully developed, our expectations and demands of others lessen, and we are able to be more grateful and fulfilled by the many gifts life offers. We are also more able to attract that which is healthy and uplifting into our lives.

cc/author/2007





Discover more surprising truths about love that can heal your relationship in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), http://www.truthaboutlove.com.

The Top Two Communication Problems, And How To Solve Them

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:


Without effective communication, no relationship stands a chance. We talk (and listen) all day long, but only a small part of our communication takes place in words. Most of the time we believe the other is listening to and understanding what we saying, but by and large, this is not the case. Most of the time the other person is planning what he or she will say back, or tuning out, or building up some kind of fantasy that has nothing to do with what is going on at that moment.When we are fighting, we want more than ever to be understood and words go flying back and forth like arrows. At this point, resolution to the problem can be far away.

So what are the secrets of effective communication? How do we truly get what we want and give each other what we need? Let's look at the top two communication problems and see how they can be solved. Once this is done, you'll be off to a wonderful start in building the kind of relationship you have always wanted.

Problem One: Wanting to Be Right and Prove the Other Wrong

Before you are able to communicate effectively, you must look carefully at your intention. Are you communicating in order to be understood, to get what you want, or do you have another intention behind the words you are saying? Many couples end up just wanting to prove that they are in the right and their partner is wrong (and always has been).

This is communication as war. These words are filled with anger and blame. They cause the other person to feel small, bad or inadequate. The words in these communications are never listened to. However what is read loud and clear is the anger and righteousness behind what is being said. To remedy this, decide that you will stop blaming each other, and give each other a chance to truly be heard. Decide you do not have to prove a case, but find a way to establish a bridge of mutual understanding. These intentions are tremendously helpful in allowing a relationship to succeed.

Problem Two: Not Being Able to Hear the Other Person

Remember, communication consists not only of talking, but also listening and hearing what is being said. We can do a whole workshop on the art of listening, but to start, it is crucial to realize that each person can only truly "hear" what is being said if they are willing to put aside their own point of view and really be available to know the heart and mind of the other. This is not as simple as it sounds. Many of us immediately interpret what we are hearing, and put it into a ready-made slot.

Others distort what is being said. Others pretend to listen, but are occupied with their own thoughts. A solution to this is to repeat to the other what you think they have said. Let them know how their communication is filtering through to you. Let them make adjustments to your version of their message. And finally, be willing to really hear what they mean.

cc/author/2006

Discover the suprising truths about love in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book, Save Your Relationship, (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com

7 Steps For Melting Anger On The Spot

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:

Anger is a lethal force that undermines our lives in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it erupts openly and other times anger camouflages it and covertly undermines your life. Some experience anger as strength and power. They feel it is necessary in order to maintain control. Others assume they have the right to express anger towards those in their lives. These are some of the lies anger tells us. In fact, when we are angry we are out of control and our ability to respond wisely is diminished.

Here are 7 steps for handling anger on the spot.

Step 1: Realize that anger is a choice you make

Anger is not a form of power, strength, or control. It is a toxin. Sometimes it provides a temporary high. After this high subsides, we are left weaker and more uncertain than before. Not only that, there are often negative consequences that have to be handled.

Basically anger narrows your focus, creates confusion and limits your ability to find constructive solutions. When anger arises, stop, breathe deeply, and immediately look at the larger perspective. Put the incident in context. For a moment, allow the other person to be "right". Tell yourself you have plenty of time to be right later. Your main goal is to have the anger subside so you can see the whole picture clearly.

Step 2: Become aware of the 24 forms of anger

Anger camouflages itself and finds many covert ways of manifesting. Unrecognized anger turns into all kinds of unwanted behavior. When these behaviors are not understood it is very difficult to correct them. Awareness is important in making necessary changes.

Some of the 24 forms of anger are: depression, passive aggressive behavior, compulsions, perfectionism, gossiping and certain kinds of competition at the workplace. When you realize that these are being fuelled by anger, you can take appropriate steps to handle them.

Step 3: Start Relationship Balancing

Relationship Balancing is the natural flow of energy, support and inspiration between individuals. When this flow is balanced individuals operate at their maximum level. When the flow is blocked or out of balance, individuals become depressed, apathetic, sick and resentful. When one feels needed and acknowledged, there is no end to their ability to tap their full potential. Envision balanced relationships. Write down what this means to you and notice how it compares to the reality of your particular situation. This initial step provides a map and new focus. It provides a direction to move in.

Step 4: Discover Your Relationship Balancing Quotient

List each individual you interact with. Score each person on the following questions from 1-10. See for yourself what is going on.

a) I I feel at ease with this person.
b) I trust this person.
c) I communicate naturally with this person.
d) I understand what they're communicating to me.
e) I am able to ask this person for what I want from them.
f) I am able to give this person what they want from me.

Assess exactly what is going on in your important relationships. Take a look at what you want from each relationship. Separate your needs and wants. Start communicating your feelings in a responsible manner and asking for what you really need and want. Start truly listening to the other, to who they actually are, not your images or agendas for them.

We can often be in a relationship with a person for a long time and not even begin to know who they truly are. As you begin taking the steps above, you will make natural adjustments in getting this relationship back on track.

Step 5: Stop Casting Blame

Blaming others is one of the largest factors in causing imbalance in your relationships and keeping the anger going. Stop casting blame. By blaming others you are disempowering yourself. By taking responsibility you are taking back control. Stop a moment and see the situation through your opponent's eyes. When you do this blame dissolves on the spot. Also, remember, the best defense against being hurt is to feel good about yourself and the way a person responds to you says more about them, than about you.

As you stop casting blame you will be letting go of all kinds of resentments. Resentment inevitably affects our well-being and always bounces back on us. Look for and find what is positive in each individual. Focus on that.

Step 6 - Create Realistic Expectations

There is nothing that makes us more angry and hurt than expectations we've been holding onto that have not been met. It is important that you become aware of what your expectations are for your relationships. Are they realistic? Does the other person hold expectations that are similar? Let go of unrealistic fantasies. Once this is done, much opportunity for anger diminishes on the spot.

Step 7 – Develop A Grateful Mind

See what different people in your lives are truly giving to you. We often take many things for granted and are even unaware of all that we are receiving day by day. Take time to write down each day what you are receiving. Be grateful for that. Make a point of giving thanks. The more we thank others, the happier we become. Also, take time to write down all that you have given others that day. It may be a surprise. We often think we are giving so much and receiving so little. This is a great cause of anger, deprivation and emptiness within. However, when we take time daily to write it down and look at it carefully, we are often surprised and how much we have received and how little given in return. As we look at it carefully, and balance these two activities, we learn to take pleasure both in what we have given and what has been received.

Watch stress melt away on Dr Shoshanna's award wininng program The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living), http://www.theangerdiet.com.

Copyright (c) 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

Why It Is Impossible To Fail At Love

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:




So many times relationships start out wonderfully with a sense of happiness and excitement. The person feels as if we’ve found, “the one”. Then as time passes, before they know it, they begin to wonder where has the love gone? Many feel lost when this happens. They do not know what went wrong, how to correct misunderstandings or what steps need to be taken to make things right again.

It seems to many that love is a mystery. When one relationship ends, they fear they may not find someone new, or be able to love again. Or, even when they are trying as hard as they can, often unexpected obstacles arise in the relationship that cannot be overcome. Tremendous amounts of time, energy and emotion are wasted pondering this situation. In some cases, entire lives are de-railed. None of this is necessary.

Stop a moment and think about it. You would never try to build a building without first getting an architect’s plan. Without a strong foundation, any passing storm would easily knock the building down. The same is true of relationships.

So many jump into relationships wanting to fly to the heights without having any understanding at all of how to build a relationship with a foundation that will allow their love to stand tall and strong. They mistake all kinds of emotions, needs and fantasies for love.

However, just as an architect knows and respects the laws of gravity, we too must know and work with the basic laws of love. These laws operate unfailingly. They are the cornerstone of all relationships and guidelines for the human heart. Once we learn and apply the basic laws of love, it is truly impossible to fail at love. No matter what happens.

Unfortunately, rather than learn these simple laws, most have absorbed many myths and fantasies. They then suffer greatly when their dreams do not come to pass and either blame themselves and others. However, it is extremely important to realize that the only thing that causes hurt, loss, or distress in relationships are the fantasies we hold onto. Once we replace these fantasies with the simple laws of love, a whole new world opens. Confusion is cleared up and we naturally see the right steps to take.

To begin with, let us absorb this law #1. It is impossible to fail at love.

No one is a failure in love. Our mistakes, losses, confusion and mishaps do not arise because of love. They arise simply out of our ignorance of who we are and what love truly is. We then feel we don’t know where love is hiding or how to act to get and keep it. So, of course, we’ll try anything.

All of this can be easily corrected. To begin we need to realize that if we have pain, suffering and upset relationships, none of it is caused by love. Once we learn what love is and how to practice it, we simply cannot fall down again.

Love brings fulfillment, healing, kindness, warmth and inspiration. Let us separate truth from error here. If this is not what's going on in your relationship, it is not an expression of love. But it is easy to save your relationship. Let us learn how to build relationships that are based on a strong foundation, that show us how to be all we were meant to be, relationships that can never fall apart.

How To Grow A Zen Child

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

When children are raised naturally, in keeping with their own true hearts, there is nothing that we need to teach them.In fact, the children then become our teachers, reminding us of what is important in life, showing us how to express love and feel the simple adventure of being alive.

To grow a Zen child, means to raise a healthy, expressive, creative child--a child easily in touch with who they truly are. This child is naturally curious about life, experiencing each day as an adventure, going to sleep happy at night. This is a child to whom sharing comes naturally, who can laugh when things are funny and cry when they're sad, who is not terrified of the consequences of their behavior or focused unnecessarily upon reactions of adults. This child then becomes strong and stable, able to weather all kinds of conflicting demands and pressures.

Actually, all of Zen practice comes simply to teach us how to become a child once again. Not how to become childish, but child-like, how to tap the natural knowingness, resources and spontaneity we were all born with, to find delight in our days and share it with others.

In order to grow a Zen child certain basic steps need to be honored and taken. These steps are not difficult though they may be different from the ways in which we have usually been trained to think about child-rearing.

Some Steps To Growing A Zen Child

1) Honor The Child's Natural Wisdom And Gifts

Most of us feel that we have to fill our children with information, knowledge, skills, direction. From the moment they are born we must "mold" them in the right direction, so that they will grow to fulfill our values and images of a successful adult. We do not stop a moment and question how these images have impacted upon us, how fulfilled and whole our lives are. We teach our children much more by who we are than by what we preach.

All children have their own innate wisdom, rhythms, sense of exploration, and ability to express what is most dear to them. Our job as caretakers is to create a loving, safe environment in which both we and they can discover who they are. Raising children, (like Zen practice) is a process of discovery. We must take our lead from the children, not impose ourselves upon them.

When children feel so deeply respected, all that is best and natural emerges easily. Their full intelligence and abilities become available to them. This kind of child will not become aggressive, distracted and filled with all kinds of fears. When a being's basic nature is not interfered with, it becomes empowered to function at its best.

2) Don't Compare Your Child With Others

Conformity and competition have become a craze (and plague) in our nation and in the process of child rearing. Nothing could be worse for both the parents and children. Comparing your child's progress, scores or abilities with those of other children tell you absolutely nothing about who he/she is, or how they will do in their lives. There are many ways and timetables for developing, and different gifts and abilities that different children have.

Remember that being different doesn't mean being better or worse. Many kinds of trees and flowers are needed in a garden. An apple tree will produce the best possible apples, don't force it to give you pears. Not only will that distort it's growth, but it will make the apple tree very sad. A garden with only one kind of flower would become uninteresting. Just as we need roses, tulips, lilies, etc. for the garden to be complete, we need all kinds of different children to make a whole world.

3) Allow Your Child To Express Who She Is

There are many, many constrictions placed upon what children are allowed to express. There is a demand for politeness, control and censure coupled with the intrinsic notion that certain thoughts and feelings are bad and cannot or should not be expressed. The child develops the sense that certain parts of them are bad and unacceptable. This causes these parts to go underground, and become the source of symptoms of all kinds.

Help the child find a way to communicate and express whatever he/she is going through. It can be done through words, song, art, plays, dancing together, planting flowers. Make sure you find a way to let them know you truly hear what it is they need to say. The child’s self worth will then grow.

4) Look For And See The Best In All The Child Does

Rather than find fault, criticize, punish and negate the child in the thousands of ways we usually do, specifically look for and see the best in the child and all that they do. Acknowledge it to them as well. Everyday let the child know something you are truly proud of them for and pleased with about them.

However, sadly, in many situations the opposite occurs, praise and acknowledgement is given rarely, in a context of criticism and complaint. Turn this around. Let the child realize that though they may have made an error, the totality of who they are is wonderful.

You can also ask them what they are pleased with and proud of about you. If there is something troubling them in the relationship, this is a time it will come to the fore. There is nothing more crucial than keeping open lines of full communication between parents and child.

5) Grow Yourself!

Of course as parents grow a Zen child, they are simultaneously growing themselves. The way we treat another, reflects back upon us. The beauty and goodness we find in another, we begin to see wherever we go. As we loosen the bonds and chains we tie our children in, we are always freeing ourselves as well. Power struggles disappear in these kinds of relationships, and make lots of room for love to grow.

cc/author2007

How To Put An End To Loneliness

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:



Loneliness and separation are the real illness of our times. While we urgently need true communication, instead we often find withdrawal, games and lies. This is so widespread it is taken as the norm. So often we come away from one another filled with misunderstanding, wondering what really went on. Although we may not realize it, this confusion arises because we do not know who we really are or who the person we are with is either.

We get us many chances to set this right. Our entire life consists of building bridges. Each person we meet is another bridge, another link, a new way to deepen the love and understanding we can become capable of. Yet, so few of us know how to build this link - so few allow it. Or, if we do, it is only for a few precious moments only, and then we run away and hide.

The crucial bridge is the one, which allows another person into our world. But there are many obstacles in crossing this bridge. Usually our first response to another person is to judge, reject, or make some kind of criticism.

We meet someone and immediately label them. Instead of being a person, they become an object to us, a stranger, or opponent. In this way we separate ourselves from them. Then, we wonder why we feel so alone.

Games We Play

“Give up sirs, your proud airs, your many wishes, mannerisms and extravagant claims. They won't do you any good, sir! That's all I have to tell you.” Lao Tse

In order to put an end to the loneliness we feel, we must look at the roles and games we play—at the identities we cherish. These roles, dreams and images are often exactly what keep our loneliness going strong.

Most of us wear many hats, play many roles. In each hat we look and feel slightly different. These hats are comfortable. They ward off the wind, snow and rain. But sometimes one hat gets stuck on your head. You don't remember that you have just put it on for the afternoon, and that it’s hiding your true face. Roles

A role is a set of behaviors intended to project a certain kind of image to others and to ourselves. In each role we adopt certain behaviors, feelings and attitudes. These responses are built in automatically.

When we are thoroughly identified with a role we play, not only does this keep us from interacting with all kinds of people, and exploring all kinds of possibilities, but it keep us out of with what is truly going on. Instead of being real our lives become an elaborate performance. When this happens, loneliness is inevitable. This loneliness is not caused by a separation from others, but from true selves.

Roles can also be hypnotic. We can fall in love with a role or fantasy and begin to believe it is who we truly are. Or, more commonly, we can fall in love with someone who is playing out a role. (Here we are not falling in love with the person, but with the image or fantasy they create for us).

It can come as quite a shock to us when the person drops this role and we are face to face with who they really are, (this usually takes several months into the relationship, and then we start wondering, where the love has gone?)

Roles give us a sense of temporary security. Temporary security isn't bad, but it is only temporary and does not deal with our deeper needs, or with the inner emptiness we feel.

The biggest danger of being lost in role playing is that these roles may begin to take over. We can lose touch with the reality of what is going on. We lose touch with what we really feel, and may not even be able to see many possibilities for our lives that are available.

An incredible amount of misunderstanding and lack of communication comes from being glued to a particular role or sense of yourself. Unglue yourself a little. See if you can begin to separate yourself from the static role definition you have been living with.

Exercise: Freeing Yourself

What kind of roles, games or identities you cling to?

How does this affect your overall functioning?

How does this contribute to your sense of being lonely, estranged or separate from others?

Let go of one role, game or identity you usually play a day.

Just be who you are. Let yourself know how you feel and what is truly important to you.

As you do this day after day, you will become more connected to both yourself and the entire world.

* * * * * *

Discover the surprising truths about love and how they can save your relationship in Dr Shoshanna's e-program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), http://www.truthaboutlove.com

How To Keep Love Growing Through All The Ups And Downs

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:



We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they wonder if it’s possible to have the same success in love. Although things may start out wonderfully in the beginning, there is always the fear that it won’t last, that difficulties will arise, feelings will start to change. Then when things alter, as they naturally must, many have the mistaken idea that the love is disappearing. . They wonder what went wrong.

Nothing went wrong. Change is natural and inevitable. It does not mean that the love has gone away. That is a mistaken idea of what love is. We simply have to know what love is, and how to keep it growing, through all the ups and downs.

The Perfect Partner

When we initially fall in love, we feel we have found “the perfect person.” A tremendous excitement takes over. We project many wonderful qualities upon our partner and block out any faults. Then we feel that we, too, must be so wonderful to have a partner who is so ideal. For many there is the feeling that they have finally discovered someone who will be able to give them all the love, approval and inspiration they have sought all their lives.

This is a huge demand to make upon another person, but it happens anyway. When this demand is not fulfilled, a deep disappointment can arise. It seems as though the partner has failed us, but in truth it is the unrealistic demands we have made that is causing pain.

Guide 1: Take a close look at what you are expecting from your partner. Is it possible? Are you setting yourself up for a fall?

Realize that no one can make up for years of upset. No one can give you all you need to feel whole. You must learn to love, grow and become whole on your own. You must become your own best friend, and also learn to be a friend to the other

After a period of time, when we feel more secure in the relationship, it is inevitable that reality starts to set in. Different qualities in our partner become obvious. It’s hard to keep pretending that the person matches all our dreams. It is at this point that questions and doubts start to surface. Perhaps there is a desire to “change” the other to meet our image, or a feeling that if they loved us enough, they would naturally change.

Both stop a moment and think carefully. Another person does not exist to meet all of your needs and dreams. This is not love. It is using anotheras an object to meet our needs. This desire itself cause our pain.

Guide 2: No one has to change for you to love them. Nor do you have to change to be worthy of love. You can never change enough to please another person. The work of love is to be able to love the other just as they are, and to also love yourself.

The work of love is the work of learning to accept the other person, and also to accept yourself. Love is not a feeling that stays the same all the time. Love is a verb. It grows as we face change and difficulty. Love grows through actions we take, through understanding and through developing the ability to really know who the other is and to really become their friend.

“A feeling that is here one minute and gone the next cannot be called love."

What can help restore a relationship? Hear men tell you in their own words why they leave relationships and what makes a relationship work for them in this classic, eye-opening ebook on modern relationships. Why Men Leave http://www.whymenleave.com offers a real understanding of men. It changes the way women think about men, and about what goes on in relationships.

This self help program is written by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, psychologist, relationship expert, workshop leader and best selling author. Sought out by major publishing houses, her books include "The Anger Diet" (Andrews McMeel Publishing) and "Zen And The Art of Falling In Love" (Simon and Schuster), among many others. She has appeared as an expert on such tv news programs such CBS, ABC, FOX, just to name a few. You may contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com

Go to http://www.whymenleave to download your copy now.

The Simple Facts About Falling In Love

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they don't feel it's realistic to have the same success in love.

But being in love is the most realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. The body heals the heart is happy. The real question is, why aren't we in love all the time? What keeps it away?

The following steps will show you how easy it is to open your eyes and find love wherever you go.

1) THE ONE RIGHT BESIDES YOU

Most of the time we are searching for the right person and don't take a moment to stop and see who is right in front of our eyes.

- Look at a person who is close to you right now, anyone it happens to be.

-Notice the ways in which you push him away. Stop doing that.

-Allow the two of you to be together in whatever way you are.

-Do the same thing tomorrow with someone else.

We dismiss so many people who are in our worlds, while waiting for the right one to appear. The more we can be right with everyone, the sooner we'll find just what we're looking for.

2)PLAYING AT LOVE

So many complain that they are not loved. The reason for this is they are so busy playing games their partner never knows who they really are.

-Notice what games you play in relationships, and what games you demand others play. See if you are in love with the person, or with the game you are both playing right now.

-Become aware of the difference between who you are and the games you play. Let the games and be who you are. Who you are is always loveable. It's the games that get in the way.

3)LETTING HIM COME AND LETTING HIM GO

-One obstacle to falling in love is the tendency to hold on to what is wrong. We grasp and cling to whatever we have, preventing the right one from coming to us.

-When someone comes into your life (or day) practice letting him come.

-Enjoy him/her for whoever he is.

-When it is time for a person to go, practice letting him go. Do not turn this into an experience of rejection or loss. It is simply time for him to go.

- Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely, not tying yourself in chains. The more we free others and ourselves, the more easily we fall in love.

4)PUTTING YOUR BAGGAGE DOWN

Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. They can be quite amazed to discover that these demands don’t lead to happiness. They may even be obstacles to falling in love.

- Take a look at what you feel is absolutely necessary in relationships. Realize this is baggage you are carrying that may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away.

- Let one of these demands subside. At first let it go for just one day. (Remember you can always take it back again). Now try another day. The more you do this the more lighter and happier you will feel. And the more space you will make for all kinds of new people, possibilities and situations to come your way.

5)GIVING GIFTS

-What gifts do you give others in relationships? And what do you hope to receive in return? It's important to give openly as well as to receive.

- Find something new you can give to somebody. Give it. Do this everyday. It does not have to be fancy or expensive. Do this with all kinds of different people. Do it quietly without fanfare and without expecting something in return.

- Do this with yourself as well. Each day take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like today. (A walk in the park, new lipstick, time with someone you care for.) Give this to yourself each day. Although this exercise is simple, it is extremely powerful. Doing this daily in your relationship can turn everything around. By living with this open, generous mind, all kinds of other gifts come to you naturally.

6) MAKING FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF

Many say they are lonely, even with a partner at their side. This is simply because they have not yet made friends with themselves. Once they make friends with themselves and are able to be who they are, loneliness disappears.

Make friends with yourself. Spend time noticing who you are. Accept all parts of yourself. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on inside. Understand you are perfect just as you are. Then choose to do the same in relationships. Choose to have relationships with those who want and appreciate just what you are.

Save Your Relationship
(www.truthaboutlove.com)

"A ground-breaking relationship counseling program which reveals proven methods to overcoming the most difficult relationship problems.
Written by
Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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Living By Zen

Living By Zen
(www.livingbyzen.com)

Now You Can Easily Stop Being Upset, Stressed or Anxious - Even If You've Tried Everything Before.

Of course you want to feel calm, balanced and positive no matter what is going on in your life. But you've probably tried so many books, treatments, programs, etc., you don't know who or what to believe anymore. You want to stop feeling stressed and uncertain more than anything else, and you should.

Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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Living By Zen (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life)

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

The great gate is open, but travelers seek everywhere - Eshin

In the midst of our lives, hungry, thirsty and often weary, there comes a moment when we stop and wonder, is this all there is? Is there another way to live my life that will bring the joy and contentment that eludes me?

Why Zen? Why Now?

Caught in the patterns of our lives, each of us has an intuition of something beyond the way we are now living. This something has the power to dispel sorrow and transform our lives into one of wholeness and joy. This is what Zen offers. This ancient practice has the power to heal division and offer the strength, compassion and refreshment we all desire.

The truth about Zen is that it is simple, and best practiced right in the midst of our everyday lives. This presents a unique opportunity. We now have the chance to grow like flowers, planted in the soil of our daily concerns.

As we begin to live the Zen way, we develop a new way of knowing and of being in the world. We do not analyze, explain or justify what happens. Rather than try to mold or control our experience, we simply make friends with it, become acquainted, let it instruct us and be our guide.

Finding Zen First Steps

When people find out about Zen they often become excited, feeling as though they have stumbled upon something, which will quickly change their entire lives. Along with this excitement comes a rush of hopes, dreams and demands. We always approach Zen the way we approach the rest of our lives. But Zen turns things upside down and then right side up again. Here are some fundamental pointers which show the new direction your life will take: Pointers and Warnings

These pointers are for beginning students. A student can be considered a “beginning student” for the first 50 years or more. Take a deep breath. We are not going anywhere fast. In fact, we are returning back to our original home.

Zen Pointer 1
Stop Looking For A Quick Fix

A great danger in our lives is looking for a quick fix, believing there are all kinds of wise ones around who have the answers for our lives. That is not the point of Zen. What is the point? Do it yourself and find out. No one else can tell you. As they say in Zen, “Don’t put a head on your head. What’s wrong with your own, anyway?

Zen Pointer 2
“Give Up Unnecessary Pressure"

Most of the time we create all kinds of goals and drive ourselves crazy to reach them. We measure our progress, compare ourselves to others, judge ourselves relentlessly. This is not the Zen way. Here we focus upon each breath, each day, each moment and experience it totally. One complete breath brings the next. The path is made by walking.

Zen Pointer 3
"Go Back To The Beginning"

Many are constantly seeking more and more, exploring new territories, ideas, relationships. They then feel they are advancing and gaining ground. However, many rush forward without really knowing where they are going. Once they arrive, they quickly set a new destination and start rushing to it again.

The Zen way is to return to the beginning. We stop, sit down, look within. We remember where we came from, who we are and where we are headed. We also remember to take care of our simple lives as well as the lives of others along the way.

By returning to our original nature, we remember how to sit, breathe, eat, play and re-claim the excitement, joy and adventure we felt as children, but lost along the way.

cc/author/2006

Discover the 2000 year old secrets for being calm, balanced and positive no matter what is going on in your life in Living By Zen, (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life), http://www.livingbyzen.com

Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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Dr. Shoshanna on Geraldo Rivera "At Large"

THE ANGER DIET
(www.theangerdiet.com)
"A ground-breaking relationship counseling program which reveals proven methods to overcoming the most difficult relationship problems.
Dr. Shoshanna (www.brendashoshanna.com) is a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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From Anger To Peace Of Mind

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:

Anger is a serious problem for one in every five Americans. Road rage, workplace violence, domestic abuse and even addiction are just a few of its many expressions. The reason such a large umber of our nation’s citizens are on antidepressants, overweight, and involved in all kinds of difficult relationships can be directly traced to the effects of anger, particularly the hidden kind.

Anger has many faces. It appears in various forms and creates different consequences. Anger that is overt is the simplest to deal with and understand. When we or someone we know is openly angry, we know what we are up against and can address it directly. Unfortunately, however, most anger lurks beneath the surface. It often does not come to our awareness and manifests in endless, hidden ways – as depression, anxiety, apathy, hopelessness, and in myriad other forms.

Today we fear all kinds of external enemies. It is not so easy to realize, however, that the worse enemy we face is the anger that resides within us, the terror it causes and the ways this poison affects so much of our lives.

It is one thing to be told to forgive one another. It is another to know how to do this. Even though we may want to forgive, anger can be ruthless in the course it takes, attacking and disrupting our body, mind and spirits. However, there are many specific steps we can take to root this toxin out of our lives. As we do the results will be reflected not only in our mental and emotional well-being, but also in our environment and physical health. When anger is rooted out, love and forgiveness arise naturally and our lives and relationships become all they are meant to be.

Some of The 24 Forms of Anger –

The first step in rooting anger out of our lives is becoming aware of it. It is crucial that we recognize anger for what it is, be aware that it is appearing and notice the devastation it creates. When anger is allowed to remain camouflaged it holds us in its grip and easily erodes the quality of our entire lives. By recognizing the 24 forms of anger, we will be able to shine a flashlight on the poison within. Then we can choose to eliminate each one of these forms of anger, one a day. There are many wonderful antidotes that we can take. Instead of allowing anger to take hold, we simply replace it with a life giving, constructive, healing response.

To begin we will look at a few of the 24 forms of anger, and how it affects your life. More will be explored in further articles and are also detailed in The Anger Diet. In this article we will also explore some ways these forms of anger can be eliminated.

1) Straightforward Anger – Attack.

This is anger that is clear-cut and easy to recognize. The anger comes right out. Many regret it afterwards, feeling they couldn’t control themselves. This kind of anger has a life of its own; it rises like a flash storm and can easily turn into verbal, emotional or physical abuse.

2) Hypocrisy –

You are angry, but hide it beneath a smile and present a false persona, pretending to be someone you’re not. This behavior evolves into bad faith of all kinds. Although you think you are fooling others, in truth you are losing yourself and your own self-respect.

3) Depression –

Depression is so pervasive these days, and it ranges the gamut from mild to severe. Depression is anger and rage turned against oneself. It comes from not being able to identify or appropriately express the anger one is feeling. It then simply turns into depressions, attack against the person who is experiencing it.

4) Passive Aggression –

This is a form of anger expressed not by what we do but by what we do not do. We refuse to give the other person what they ask for, want or need. In this manner we anger the other while making it seem as though they are the one that is overly demanding. This is a way of expressing anger without taking responsibility for it, and blaming the other for what we have set in motion.

Steps To Dissolving Anger

Needless to say there are many specific steps to take to undo different forms of anger. We will offer some samples. The important point to realize is that anger can be dissolved in a moment. We can choose to see things differently. We can choose to make a different response.

It takes only a moment to escalate a situation and in that same moment, the trouble can be de-escalated. We must stop in the middle of automatic anger that arises, and take charge of what is going on. We can and must decide that we will not let anger take over and rule. We have the right and responsibility to choose how we will respond. Sample Ways To De-Escalate Anger:

1) Straightforward Attack:

Stop in the middle of a situation in which you either feel angry or are being attacked. Expand your vistas. Rather than respond in a knee-jerk manner, say to yourself, “Like me, this person has suffered. Like me, this person wants to be happy, like me this person experiences loneliness and loss.” As you do this, you are recognizing the similarities and common humanity you share, rather than focus on the differences. For a moment, allow the person to be right. You have plenty of time to be right later. Ask yourself, what is more important to you, to be “right” or to be free of anger? Choose compassion and see how you feel.See how the other feels as well. Watch new vistas open in your life.

2) Hypocrisy:

This is a common form of anger that appears in many different ways. When you notice yourself pretending, lying, exaggerating or deceiving, stop. Tell the truth at that moment. Be the truth. If you do not know what the truth is, be silent and become aware of what the deepest truth is for you. (This does not mean pouring out negativity or blaming the other. It means taking responsibility for what is real and true for you. (This will not only restore good will, it will connect you with what is most meaningful in your life.)

3) Depression:

Make friends with yourself today. When we are depressed, we are rejecting, hating and blaming ourselves. Undo this false state of mind. Find five things you admire and respect about who you are. Focus on sharing your good qualities with another. In depression we are only absorbed with ourselves. A wonderful antidote is to become absorbed with how you can reach out to and help another. As we root anger out of our lives, and find meaningful substitutions not only our lives but the lives of our loved ones, friends and acquaintances will be lifted and enhanced. Try the full anger diet and see.

Learn how to melt away toxic feelings on the award winning book The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living), http://www.theangerdiet.com. This is a diet from anger where we give up one form of anger a day and replace it with a healthy antidote.

Written by Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist, she is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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Why Men Leave

WHY MEN LEAVE
(www.whymenleave.com)

Revelations from the male perspective. Sharing their the concealed feelings and secretive thoughts, WHY MEN LEAVE shares a myriad of cast studies
about how men feel about their relationships, and what they desire most in their
own.

"Amazing revelations and understandings arise from this unique gem of work, providing both men and woman new ways of finding healing and joyous relationships" --Dr. Robert J. Berk

Written by Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears with regularity on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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Zen And The Art Of Falling In Love

Today's article is based upon Dr. Shoshanna's
Top Selling Book "Zen And The Art Of Falling In Love"

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

"...readers searching for broader meaning will revel in her ability to weave together the basic tenets of relationship psychology with the self-realization techniques of Zen practice. Nor is Shoshanna's advice limited to affairs of the heart; much of her counsel-to be open, loving and full of faith-feels relevant to all aspects of life."

Find Love The Zen Way

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:

"If he comes we welcome,
If he goes we do not pursue"
Zen saying

We all want love. We are all searching for some lasting relationship. Yet it always seems as if relationships are difficult, difficult to find, to keep and to enjoy. Though many do all they can, problems, complications and disappointment arise.

But from the Zen point of view, struggling to find and keep love is the opposite of what is needed. First we must learn 'do nothing'. We must learn how to let go of control.

Rena started Zen practice after losing two important relationships. Devastated, she was

convinced she could never hold onto love.

She told the Zen Master, "I can't bear losing even one more person."
"You will lose many," the Zen Master said.
Rena gasped.
"Inevitable."
"What can I do about it?" Rena shot back.
"Do nothing,: the Zen Master said.

This 'do nothing' is active and vital, the very opposite of passivity. In order to understand this, we must take a step back.

We are born wanting to control our world and the people in it. We scream to get food from mother, smile to receive the attention we crave and, when our needs aren't met kick up a great fuss. As infants we feel that others are here simply to care for us and keep us content. This kind of attitude can be very hard to outgrow. In fact, it can be said that 99% of our precious life energy goes into controlling others so that our desires can be fulfilled.

What we call love in relationships is often no more than having someone who makes us feel good.
The Zen way is the opposite. We do not try to use others, control events, or demand that life fulfill our dreams. Instead, we grow aware of and accepting of all that is given, and learn to take care of the world we live in. As we do this, an odd thing happens, we become more and more fulfilled. As we grow in compassion and simplicity, all we truly need then comes naturally.

Doing Nothing

The only real miracle is to stand still. -Henry Miller

Unfortunately, the idea of 'doing nothing' has been greatly misunderstood. It does not mean be passive. Just the opposite. Do nothing is the most challenging, demanding, revolutionary instruction that can be given. It means, when faced with life's challenges - let go of control.

In order to learn how to do this in Zen meditation we are given this instruction - "Don't Move." Usually we move (and react) all the time. When something bothers us, we shift, change our position, do anything we can to fix it. Although our behavior alters the condition for a little while, it usually comes back again, sometimes more intensely, sometimes in another form. Likewise, no matter what action we take in relationships, often there is nothing that will cause the trouble to go away.

As we surrender control over the condition, we allow things to be as they are. We allow the entire world to play itself out in front of our eyes. This profound action implies an immense respect for the intrinsic nature of people and events, for a larger design in the universe, which brings our good to us, and removes that which no longer belongs.

How often we try to grasp and hold onto that which is no longer suitable, or to desperately maneuver to obtain that which may be entirely wrong. When we do not control, but rather appreciate what is happening, (or who is coming our way) we are yielding to a higher wisdom, permitting life to take its own course.

True Action

When we're in a difficult situation, most of our actions create more upset and complications. These are not truly actions, but reactions. True action is something different. It is clear, spontaneous, purposeful, direct.

In order to arrive at true action we must, first, do nothing. This means we must stop doing what we used to do, cease our knee jerk reactions, stop living like Sisyphus, rolling the same rock up the same mountain. We must be able to bear the temporary discomfort of stopping our usual ways.

As we do this, many upsets dissolve naturally. We do not fan the flames. We do not turn a summer rain into a violent thunderstorm, which can tear an entire relationship apart.

When you are faced with a difficult knot in a relationship, or when you are trying to find someone new to love - don't squirm and wrestle, don't enter into a struggle. "Do nothing" give up control. Stay centered and immovable in the middle of the storm and see what the life is truly bringing to you. Keep clear and compassionate. Let the situation unfold as it will. Don't get picked up and whirled around like a leaf in the wind.

Relax Your Grip

Zen teaches us how to relax our grip. As this happens we begin to see each person as they truly are, not as we wish or demand. We also realize that it is not an act of love, to try to change and control another. It is an act of love to discover and appreciate who they truly are.

When we let each moment, each person be exactly as they are this is the great work of doing nothing. It is the work of non-interference with the primal wisdom of the universe, which runs through all things and beings, including ourselves.

When we step back and allow this harmony to take over, our entire lives are healed and enhanced. That which is right for us comes naturally, and difficult situations find their own healing as well. When we honor and uphold life as it is given, then inevitably, life honors and upholds us.

cc/author/2005

Discover the 2500 year old secrets for being calm, balanced and positive, no matter what is going on in your life in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book, Living By Zen, (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life), http://www.livingbyzen.com

Dr. Shoshanna, state licensed psychologist, speaker and award winning author, has helped thousands. A resident relationship expert on i.village.com, she appears regulary on network TV, offering psychological, spiritual and practical guidance for becoming all you are meant to be.

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The Perferct Person

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

[News-and-Society:Relationships] Article Word Count: 1059

Article:

Usually we enter relationships hoping they will make us happy. We hope that this person is the right one, that we aren’t repeating mistakes of the past, and that we will finally receive the love, support, companionship and admiration we’ve been waiting for. Each person has a shopping list of hopes, expectations and secret demands he/she makes of their partner and their relationship. When these wishes are fulfilled, then they say they are happy.

This kind of approach to relationships usually brings disappointment. It fails to understand the important difference between happiness and joy, (or contentment).

To begin, happiness is always fleeting. It comes and goes. It has to. Just as night and day alter, happiness too fluctuates. Happiness depends upon circumstances. When things go well, we are happy. When we get what we want, when the sun is shining, when our boyfriend finally pops the questions these are moments of happiness. These moments are lovely - we cherish them in memory. The only wrong with this kind of happiness is when we depend upon them to feel good.

Joy is different. It doesn’t come and go. It doesn’t depend upon outer circumstances. When things are difficult, when our hopes are not fulfilled, it is still possible to feel joyful. Joy arises from within, not without. It is an attitude of mind that can be developed and nurtured. It represents the growth of the individual from a child to an adult, willing to take responsibility for the way they choose to respond. Joy is not a knee jerk reaction. It a positive decision we make about ourselves and others.

In a sense joy is a practice. It is not necessarily an emotion. Joy, being constant, is deeper than emotion; it is an orientation towards life and towards the people in your relationships. It is built upon actions, it is a way of being with oneself and others, no matter what happens. There are steps we can take and can practice daily, which allow joy to be present. Joy is a decision we make each day.

In order to find joy in our lives and our relationships, certain things have to be developed and others to be relinquished. A famous saying describes this beautifully, it says, “When we are children we play with toys. When we grow up, we want the real thing.” The real thing is joy, not happiness. Here are two, easy, beginning steps you can take, (and continue to practice), to find joy in your relationships.

l) Give Up Blaming The Other Person.

As time goes by it is very easy to find many things disappointing and wrong with the person you are with in a relationship. When we are upset, we attribute it to their behavior, something they’ve said or done wrong, or something they haven’t done that we feel they should have. This is putting our well being in the hands of another. It is one of the most significant ways we destroy our own peace of mind and also undermine the other person.

Realize that each person has the right to be who they are at this moment. No one made you their judge and jury. If you are upset or unhappy with their behavior, that is your response, it does not necessarily mean that something is wrong with them. You are creating your own unhappiness by blaming and disapproving of them. Give it up. Just observe their behavior. Get to know them. Watch how they live their lives and what their patterns are. This does not mean you have to join them, stay in the relationship or get into a dance with them.

In fact, this may be the wrong person for you, but give up feeling they have disappointed you. They were not put on this earth to please you. They were put on this earth to be who they are, to change, grow and find wisdom. Say to yourself, this person has a right to be who they are, and I have a right to be who I am as well. They are not harming me by being who they are. This is their life they are leading. I have not been put on this earth to fix them. In truth, it is your own expectations which are causing you upset.. When we do not put heavy expectations on the other, but are willing to simply discover who they are, blame dissolves more easily.

2) Learn The Art Of True Giving

There is a huge difference between really giving to another, and giving so you can get something back in return. When we give in order to get something back, (and secretly wait for it and demand it), this is nothing more than manipulation, and it quickly kills our joy. Joy is based upon true giving. When we learn to give truly, it is almost impossible to be upset or sad. The giving itself is its own return.

True giving means, giving with no strings attached. It means giving something to the person that they need or would like, (not something that pleases you). In this form of giving, we take time to really know the person, and become willing to meet their needs. Some fear to give, feeling that they will be drained or stripped bare. The opposite is true. The more we give, the more we have. We have a sense of fullness and kindness, which is the basis for the development of joy.

There are many things that can be given besides physical objects. Many people need time, attention, acknowledgment, the chance to be right about something. Make a list of all the things you can give another. Also make a list of the things you’d like someone to give you. In this way you’ll start to become more sensitive to what a person is really needing, and how best to give it, so they can receive it easily.

Practice giving freely. Do it in little steps at first. Let the car behind you pass you, let the person go first at the check out counter. Give someone a hand with their bags, open the door for someone at a building. Practice being there for another. The more you do it, the more your joy will grow.

(c) Dr Brenda Shoshanna/2006

Discover the surprising truths about love in Dr Shoshanna's e-program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), http://www.truthaboutlove.com.

How To Overcome Your Fear Of Love

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

[News-and-Society:Dating] Article Word Count: 725

Article:

"When you truly look for me, You will find me." --- Kabir

We all want love. Then, when we get it, we become afraid and start to run in the opposite direction. On the one hand we are searching for love, searching for some lasting relationship. On the other hand, we are relieved when the person goes away.

It always "seems" as if relationships are difficult. They seem difficult to find, to keep and to enjoy.Yet, the fundamental truth is: there is no inherent problem with relationships. There is never a scarcity of relationships. There is never a scarcity of love. Love is our natural condition, why aren't we

The most common answer to this question is that we must find the perfect person. There is always something wrong with the people we meet. We have not yet found the "right" person, who can make us really happy. Or, if we have found him/her, that person has now left us and nobody will ever take their place again.

At this point we still believe that another person can make us happy. But, all right, let us look for a moment at what we're dreaming of. Take a moment to see clearly who this perfect person is to you. Sit down and write a description of how you would imagine your perfect partner to be. Let yourself daydream. Write down all the qualities such a person would have.

Now, write a paragraph describing how you would have to be in order to have such a partner. (Daydreams have power). Just doing this exercise you may begin to laugh. There may be wild discrepancies between how you see yourself now and how you feel your would've to be to hold such a perfect partner.

What else might you discover? You might also discover that you do not really like this perfect person after all. He/she may only be some kind of ego-ideal. (Someone to build up your own self-image).

An attitude like this is based upon non-acceptance of who and what we really are.When we use another person to build up our own self-image, this kind of relationship is grounded in fear.

Love can never be built upon a foundation that is not real. If we do not feel good within ourselves, is it really so surprising we may not really be so eager, after all, for this perfect

There are many ways people keep love away. Some constantly fall into relationships only with difficult people. In this manner they insure that they will either be rejected, or have to reject the other. Rejection can feel more comfortable and familiar than the experience of love. Take a long, hard, good look at this. Look at what it is in you that feels it must keep love away. We cannot be open to love and relationship until we are able to release our fear of and desire for rejection. Once this pattern is dealt with, all of life opens its many doors.

As this happens it is inevitable to realize that love is free, it flows everywhere. It flows to everyone regardless of their qualities. Love has nothing to do with any images or fantasies of how somebody else "should be", or how we "should be" either.

Each person is the perfect person just as they are. When you begin finding the beauty in everyone, then the right one for you just walks through the door. .

Start today. Look around for a moment. See who is really in your life. Look at this person. Are you willing to love them? Really? What will happen if they start to love you too? Anything we can't love or accept in another, is a mirror of something we can't love or accept in our ourselves. All it takes is one moment to decide to turn that around. Try for a moment. See how wonderful it feels.

Here is a lovely exercise. Close your eyes, look at yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you. Open your eyes a moment. Close them again, and look at yourself now through your own eyes. Open your eyes. Can you choose to look at yourself and others, through the eyes of someone who loves them? If you can, you will be amazed at all the love that starts flowing to you.

SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP (www.truthaboutlove.com) is a ground-breaking relationship counseling program. It unlocks to the proven methods to overcoming the most difficult relationship problems.

Written by Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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What He Can't Tell You And Needs To Say

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

[Women's-Interests] Article Word Count: 1080

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Women complain they can’t get men to talk. When time comes for intimate conversation, guys clam up, offer a few, indecipherable grunts and expect women to magically understand what’s going on. The number one complaint women have in relationships is, “I don’t know what he’s thinking. He never tells me what is going on with him. How can I get him to open up?”

Women feel shut out, and men feel misunderstood. However, there is something women don’t realize. Men want to talk. Under the right conditions, they’ll talk all night long. Most men desperately need to unburden themselves and let others know what’s going on.

Trained For Silence

Men are silenced by different factors - the roles they are forced to play, lessons they’ve learned from their own families, or hurt from past relationships. They are silenced by prevalent myths of manhood, which often contradict the reality of the lives now.

A common myth is that it is unmanly to talk, to open up and tell all. A man must present an invincible image to the world. As children boys are told - Boys don’t cry. That stuff’s for girls.” Implicit in the idea is that expressing feelings represents weakness. It is as if they say, “I’m powerful, I need nothing from you.”

Putty In Her Hands “If she knows too much about me, I’ll be putty in her hands,” said Robert, a thirty year old executive. “I never let a woman know what‘s really doing inside. Why should I? She’ll only throw it back at you when there’s a fight later.” Robert lives expecting trouble. In fact, he not only looks forward to it, but also does his share to quietly make it happen. It’s the way he releases his pent up feelings.

“It’s okay to fight,” Robert continued. “You get closer later. I mean, if you can survive a good fight, then the two of you have a chance.”

For Robert, communication, via fighting, is for the purpose of establishing rank. This is not communication, but sparring. It is domination, masking itself as love.

Real communication is never about winning or losing. The essence of real communication is always about love

Getting Him To Talk

In order to bring out the best in a man, and hear all of what he has to say, there are easy steps which when followed, will help this happen easily.

No Rejection

“He’s got to feel he’s not going to be rejected,” says Ed Pankau, nationally acclaimed private investigator and best-seller, author of How To Hide Your Assets And Disappear. “Men are afraid if they do open up, someone’s going to laugh at them and they’ll be humiliated.” Men are much more afraid of rejection than women. People don’t realize that.”

Don’t Judge Him

Feeling judged is another form of rejection. “Listen to what he is saying, and beyond listening, offer something positive in return,” Pankau continues. “After he tells you some things you could then say, ‘Well, that’s not so bad. I’ve done worse.’ Let him know you’re on his team, and not sitting there judging him.”

Reveal Yourself As Well

There must be mutual disclosure between partners. “Everybody has problems, fears and skeletons in the closet,” Mr. Pankau continues. “Many guys feel, if I reveal this, she’ll leave me. You have to show that this is not the case. Reveal something about yourself that shows you have as much trust in him as he has in you.”

Let Go Of Past Grievances

If an individual feels his communication will be distorted, misunderstood, told to others, or thrown back at him at a later date, it is impossible for him to open up. Some people hold onto what has been said at one point in time, and never let it go. The ability to forgive may be just as simple as realizing that what was true a year ago, may not be true now. True communication requires the ability to remain in the present moment and to let the past be over when it’s done.

Listen To Everything He Wants To Say

Lewis Harrison, Healer and Director of the Academy of Natural Healing, has a different experience regarding communication.” As far as I’m concerned,” he said, “I, personally, tell everybody everything. I can’t hold it back if I want to. My wife is willing to listen to everything. I don’t have to lie to her at all.

Not only is Lewis’s wife willing to hear what he says, but she is willing to take action to give him what he asks for. This is communication taken to the highest level. Her ability to understand is manifested both in words and in deeds. We all want love and we want to give love but are not willing to do what is required to make that happen, and part of that is honesty.

Celebrate Honesty

In order to communicate honestly, you have to accept honesty from others, and many people won’t. Arrmand DiMele, Director and Founder of the DiMele Center for Psychotherapy and the host of the Positive Mind show asked, “Is it even possible to have honest relationships? The assumption is everybody’s going to be honest. The truth is – few people are. The main reason that people are not honest is – the consequences are too big. You can’t do it if the other person is not going to celebrate honesty.”

The ability to accept honesty from others grows as we a realize that true security does not come from the approval of others, but from being true to ourselves.

Be True To Yourself

How can we be true to ourselves if we don’t know who we are? Identity is a complex matter. For some men it consists of clinging to a role, or rigid sense of themselves. This man does not realize that who a person is today, he may not be tomorrow. At different times different parts of himself will emerge, the Warrior, Healer, Lover, Wise Man, Real Guy. We all can and must grow into newer and larger senses of ourselves Unless a man is allowed to explore different aspects of himself he can easily fall prey to compulsions and misfortunes. His love becomes conditional, given one moment and taken away the next.

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SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP (www.truthaboutlove.com) is a ground-breaking relationship counseling program. It unlocks to the proven methods to overcoming the most difficult relationship problems.

Written by Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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