The Simple Truths About Falling and Living in Love

Summary

• The Simple Truths About Falling and Living in Love
  [Relationships:Love] We are meant to live a life of love. When we're not in love, something's the matter. Unfortunately, most of us have become resigned to sadness, struggle and disappointment in our relationships. This article explores what it is that keeps love from us, and offers simple, effective and powerful steps on how to turn it around.

The Simple Truths About Falling and Living in Love

We are meant to live a life of love. When we're not in love, something's the matter. Unfortunately, most of us, unaware of this, become resigned to disappointment, loss and upset in relationships. No matter how successful we are in other aspects of our lives, many do not feel entitled to the same success in love. This is considered natural as one "grows up" and gives up the fantasies, foolishness and dreams of childhood. But nothing could be further from the truth. It is the fantasies, foolishness, and confused expectations we develop as we grow older that keep the love away.

Being in love is the most mature and realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. The body heals, the heart is happy. As a great teacher once said, "We never ask the meaning of life when we are in love."

If being in love is our natural state the real question is, what is it that keeps this most precious inheritance away? How can we reclaim it and return to the intrinsic trust and joy we had as children?

Many fear they will be hurt. But contrary to popular opinion, real love never hurts or wounds. It is only our confused expectations that can undermine our lives. There is a Buddhist saying "Give up poisonous food wherever it is offered to you." But most of us do not know what is poison and what is nourishing in our relationships.

Once we know the difference between real and counterfeit love, once we learn the laws of love and how to practice them, we will be able to live a life of love and build relationships that cannot fail. The fact of the matter is that we can begin to do this and turn our lives around at any time.

To begin this process, let us look a little deeper. It always seems as if relationships are difficult-difficult to find, to keep and to enjoy. Yet the fundamental truth is that there is no inherent problem with relationships at all. There is never a scarcity of relationships, there is never a scarcity of love.

Some complain that they can't love because there is something wrong with the person they are with. No one can please or satisfy them. In the beginning they may feel as though they've found the perfect person, but before they know it, conflict develops, irritation grows. The joy of feeling loved and valued, fades away. Most people have no idea why. Ultimately, from the psychological point of view, not falling in love, is not so unusual. In fact, many can do very well, become quite healthy, and yet never get over their disappointments in love.

Spiritually speaking, there's a different point of view. Is a person's very life at stake if they aren't able to truly love? The answer is Yes. Without the ability to know real love, the precious taste of this life is thwarted, and a person may be doomed to living her days as a "Hungry Ghost." But we can change this at any moment. To begin we suspend judgment and disbelief, become willing to become a child once again - explore, play, hug, cry and feel that the world is filled with endless possibilities. We also must develop the ability to say No to all of the people, beliefs, habits and desires which can take our faith and love away.

We need to be willing to allow ourselves to look for and find that which is beautiful and worthwhile in everyone, (including ourselves). And, somehow, let them know.

Falling in love doesn't mean being blind, or entering into fantasy. It means waking up out of darkened dreams to finally see the beauty which surrounds us. A little endurance is required, along with the willingness to face the shadows that will dispel as soon as we invite in the light.

During this holiday season, let's give it a try. It only takes a moment to do so, but the happiness lasts a long, long time.

Discover the surprising truths about love in top selling program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships) http://www.truthaboutlove.com . Renowned psychologist, Founder of Everyone Wins Mediation, has helped thousands resolve conflicts and find strength and fulfillment. Free ezine and articles http://www.newyorkmediates.com - topspeaker@yahoo.com

How To Develop True Self Worth and Really Win

• Summary

• [Self-Improvement]
  In order to feel good about themselves, most compare themselves to
  others, compete and try to win in all areas of their life. They do not
  realize, however, that this is not true winning and whatever they gain
  in this manner usually backfires. Article describes ways of building
  true of self worth and includes wonderful exercises to show you how to
  create true it in your life.

How To Develop True Self Worth and Really Win

In order to feel good about themselves, most compare themselves to
others, compete and try to win in all areas of their life. They do not
realize, however, that this often can be an expression of aggression
towards others, and ultimately also towards themselves.

When we
want to be better than others, we are also driven to make sure they
remain beneath us. We do what we can to keep them in their place,and
look for their failings and weaknesses. We may also take pleasure in
their hardships and losses. When famous people fall from their pedestal
and suffer, many feel relief that they are not so much better after all.

How We Compare Ourselves To Others

Some
are not able to relate at all to others who they feel are "better than
them.They fill their worlds with those who they feel are inferior, (and
treat them that way, to keep them in their place.) Some are drawn to
those who they think are better than them, and spend a lot of time
trying to tear the person down. Others become members of sports team
and take great relish in beating the others, proving that they are
"best".

Living this way, one becomes unable to see the beauty and
gifts which each person has and which they could otherwise share with
you. This keeps you on edge, looking for ways you can maintain your
superiority. Relationships become power struggles. There is little
fulfillment, or true sense of self worth.

Pride Vs. Self Worth

Pride
creates a grandiose, false sense of self and causes the person to close
themselves off to many situations, possibilities, insights and
relationships. Pride also causes them to be out of touch with true self
worth, who they truly are, what really brings happiness.

A true
sense of self worth, on the other hand, provides enjoyment when dealing
with all kinds of individuals. With true self worth you do not need to
compare yourself to others, tear them apart or feel superior. Instead,
you are able to value who they are and share you both of your gifts. As
Emerson wisely said, a rose in the garden does not compare itself with
another. It just blooms as it is intended to.

Exercise

Step
1: Recognizing The Many Faces Of Pride Make a list of those you feel
better than. Who are they? Why are you better than them? A)Make a list
of those you feel are better than you. Who are they? How does this make
you feel? How do you behave with them? This exercise will surprise you.
Be honest with yourself. You may also be astonished to see how many
people you've written out of your life.

Step 2: Stop Comparing

A)
Pick someone on your list that you feel better than. Write down all
their positive qualities. Now, stop comparing yourself to this person.
Let them be who they are. Let you be who you are, as well. Enjoy the
differences between you. B) Do the same with someone you think is
better than you. Can you allow both of you to have positive qualities
though they may be different? Can you stop comparing in this case as
well?

Step 3: A New Meeting

A)
Contact the person you feel better than and go out with them to lunch.
Make the meeting all about them. Don't talk much. Really find out about
them. Give them a chance to be the star. Do the same with someone who
feels they are better than you. You'll be amazed to discover how much
others crave being heard and known, how shaky they are about who they
are. As you do this you'll see that you don't have to tear others down
to feel good about yourself.

Step 4: Each One Is The Best One

As
soon as you notice yourself feeling better than another, let it go and
let them be the star. Realize that both of you can be wonderful. As
soon as you notice that you feel someone else is better than you, do
the same. Look for their good qualities and yours as well. Find out
more about them. Talk to them about themselves and really listen. Let
the true person they are emerge. Don't buy into a fantasy. It won't do
you any good.

Copyright (c) 2008 Dr. Brenda Shoshann

What Are The Ghosts of Past Relationships?

There are many reasons that men leave relationships,
or don’t get into them fully in the first place. Some men are haunted
by the ghosts of past loves. They cannot shake them from their minds or
get them out of their hearts. Although they date new women, the specter
of a past love prevents them from giving their hearts, committing to
another, or truly opening up. Each new person is compared, consciously
or unconsciously, to the previous love. This past relationship can take
on an idealized quality so that no one in the present or future will
ever measure up.

For some men, this past love is a young, first
love. In all later relationships they seek the magic they felt then.
For others it is a past wife or fiancé who haunts them. Being deeply
hurt by the breakup or death, they search for someone to replace her,
rather than try to find someone new.

For others the past
relationship that haunts them may go back to their mothers whom they
feel gave them unconditional love. Deep within there is a hunger and
demand for this unconditional love and acceptance again. Now at this
juncture, they secretly feel that no woman can live up to mom.
Unconsciously they compare every woman to her.

Sadly enough, for
some men the ghosts that haunt them are not positive. Some have had
painful experiences and are seeking a woman who is the opposite of the
one they knew, or seeking someone to even the score. In these
situations, painful memories get in the way of being available to the
new person, or to being truly present at all.

There are other men
who find it safer to cling to memories of the past than to risk failure
with someone here now. These men may choose to live off a memory for
years. It is not unusual for these men to unconsciously attract an
unsuitable partner so that the relationship will not threaten the
fantasy woman in his dreams. Deep down he knows he’ll never be able to
stay with this unsuitable partner. She’s no ultimate threat.

Men
also turn to these ghosts of the past when their present relationship
may not be going well. Instead of dealing with the difficulty or
disappointment, they lapse into memory, comparing this partner to the
one they had. Always unfavorably. Or when he feels pressured to commit
before he is ready, the specter of old loves come back to haunt him.
It’s a perfect excuse and also a way out of a tight spot.

On a
more positive note, at times a man cannot let go of a past relationship
because it is simply incomplete. Something needs to be said or done, to
be given or received. There is a gnawing feeling inside that the
relationship is not yet fulfilled. Perhaps forgiveness is needed.
Perhaps a real good bye. It is always best to become aware of what it
is that is causing a ghost to lodge in one’s heart and mind. If
something can be done to complete the relationship, do it now. If one
is simply caught holding onto the past, recognize that and see why it
is so frightening to allow oneself to live again and make a new try.

Whatever
the factor that causes a man to cling to memories of the past, a common
theme appears through all of them, this is a way to safeguard oneself
against hurt and failure in the present. The best way to get past it,
is to understand that dreams can never bring the fulfillment and growth
that a real, flesh and blood love can. It’s worth the risk to try
again. Or else we become a ghost as well.

6 Steps To Creating Amazing Marriages

Most of us have many dreams about what relationships will be like or should be like. We’ve lived with these dreams forever, so when the real thing happens, and we find ourselves in a relationship reality can be quite a shock. Some people feel tricked, trapped or like failures. Others do everything under the sun to change their partner, change themselves, or figure out why their marriage is different from the way they thought it would be.The first step in truly understanding relationships, however, is to realize that what we dream about or imagine, is not necessarily what is going to happen to us. And that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with ourselves or our relationship. It just means that we didn’t know what to truly expect.Today, I am going to provide you with some free relationship advice in the form of six facts that no one ever told you about relationships that is important for you to understand. These principles have provided marriage help by helping you discover that your relationship can heal naturally when certain core issues are addressed.

Number 1) Relationships are not static.They can, will and must change. No two people stay the same during the course of a life time. Their needs, wishes, and interests vary. It is unreasonable to expect that relationship partners will always grow and change in the same ways, at the same time. This has to be accepted and included in the relationship. It is not necessary for the two of you to always think the same way, like the same things, or be in the same place at the same time. Just because you may have different tastes or interests doesn’t mean that the two of you aren’t in love. For relationships to remain vital and healthy it is necessary to have a core of mutual interests, activities and desires, but, it is also crucial to make room for differences between you. This doesn’t necessarily mean you are growing apart. It may just mean that you are growing, and will have even more love and understanding to bring to your partner in the long run.

Number 2) Romantic feelings of excitement, intoxication and infatuation necessarily wax and wane.Many people expect to feel “in love” with their partner on a daily basis. By this they mean having romantic feelings of excitement and infatuation, feeling as though they can’t wait to see the person, and miss them if they’re gone. These individuals must learn the crucial difference between loving a partner and being “in love”. Romantic feelings of excitement, intoxication and infatuation necessarily wax and wane. There are times they appear and are very enjoyable -other times they fade into the background. This does not mean something is wrong or that you do not love each other. Love is not based upon fluctuating feelings, but upon a solid foundation of mutual respect, consideration and communication. Although it is wonderful and important to set aside time for romantic time together, the daily on-goingness of life requires a much deeper understanding of what it means to truly love. Love is often tested in the fire, and frequently sacrifice is needed. In order to truly love, one must grow as a person, and that is what relationships are for – to help us grow in our ability to discover what love really is..

Number 3) Love is not dependency.It’s all right to be who you are, be different from him, have friends and activities of your own. It’s also all right, to give him time with his friends and private space. Love always includes trust of the other, and the knowledge that the more your partner is able to enjoy others, the more he will be able to enjoy being with you. The less you suffocate and possess him, the more he will want to be with you. The less you let him suffocate you, the more you will love him and the more he will respect you. It’s fine to be two, separate, whole people. From that basis, a lot of love can grow.

Number 4) Being angry doesn’t mean you do not love each other.Some feel that as soon as they are angry with their partner or their partner is angry with them the love has gone out the window. Of course, if anger goes on for too long, or is not dealt with properly, it certainly can erode the quality of a relationship. But being angry is not a sign that he doesn’t love you, or you him. It is simply a sign that it is time for good, open, honest, careful communication to take place. On-going communication is the heart and soul of every good relationship.When we bottle up our needs and feelings and pretend to be who we are not, then all that has been hidden will explode through anger. But, when we recognize anger, irritation or resentment as it arises, and freely discuss our needs or responses with our partner, not only does the anger diminish, but our relationship grows closer. Take anger as a sign that you are being an opportunity to communicate more and know each other better. Let it make you closer, not further apart.

Number 5) Even though you’re together all the time, you still must make time for one another.Actually, you must actually carve out more time for each other when you live together. Living together it’s easy to take one another’s presence for granted. But just because the person is there physically, does not necessarily mean you’re sharing quality time. Children, errands, pressures at work and social obligations can create a whir of activity, but not intimate time between the two of you. Carve out intimate time when the two of you are alone. Go some place special. Make time to talk and hug. Make time to have fun alone. This is a wonderful refresher to every marriage and should be done at least weekly.

Number 6) Being together for a long time doesn’t have to take the magic away.It’s wonderful to have someone at your side, who you share experiences with year after year. There is no way to replace a person who you’ve gone through many years with, sharing common experiences and memories. The sense of continuity and trust that can develop between you is a jewel. It is wonderful to wake up each morning, knowing this person is at your side. As the years pass you know each other better and better, whatever happens you both know there is someone there for you, who understands what you are going through. As our ability to share grows, the burdens of life diminish greatly, and the joys intensify as well.What can help restore a marriage? Hear men tell you in their own words why they leave relationships, and what makes a relationship work for them. This eye-opening self-help ebook program on modern relationships - SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP http://www.truthaboutlove.com offers an authentic understanding of men. It is based on the foundation of 120 clinical case studies, in which men shared their most private thoughts and feelings. It changes the way woman think about men, and provides you with new insight, concrete methods, and practical steps which show you how to heal your marrital problems, and create happiness for both you and your spouse.


As seen on TV, Dr. Brenda Shoshanna is one of the leading authorities on how to makes relationships stronger, and what makes them fail.

Sought out by major publishing houses, her books have been published domestically and internationally in over 14 languages.

For free relationship advice: http://www.truthaboutlove.com/

How To Know if It's Really Love? (Finding The Real Thing)

.
“Something is always missing,” Karla said. ”In the beginning of the relationship, he always seems like the perfect one, finally. We’re happy, excited, deeply in love, and then - reality sets in. I start wondering who he really is, and the thrill of seeing him disappears. I look at him and wonder what I loved, I don’t feel beautiful anymore. The light has gone from my eyes.”

Of course the light can never leave Karla, but this experienced of disappointment has taken place because she was in the grip of counterfeit love. She didn’t love her boyfriend, but the illusion she had about him. Most likely she knew little about him. She certain was not in touch with the part of him that was perfect, his true self.

Upset, she talked about her disappointment to a friend. “I loved him so much,” she said. “I thought he was so beautiful, so perfect. Now my dreams are smashed.”

The friend looked at her slowly. “You didn’t love him at all,” she said. “You
loved your fantasies about him. If you can know the whole truth, and still love him, then that is really love.”

Falling In Love With Our Fantasies

Karla was in love with her fantasy and then wondered why the love went away. All fantasies fade, they have to - that is the nature of dreams. In the beginning, she felt wonderful, though, and the beauty of it reflected upon her. She felt she must also be perfect, if she could have someone like him. Then reality set in.

Daily life is an opponent of fantasy, it always forces us to be who we are and see what is before us, whether we like it or not. Karla did not like reality, and blamed it upon her boyfriend, not upon her own unwillingness to be with life as it is. She had not yet learned the art of being with life as it is. She hadn’t tasted the real thing. Karla was unable to see the real beauty surrounding her. When we are ready to wake up from fantasies, we find love and joy everywhere.

Throw Away Thoughts Of Imaginary Things

We have little idea how to throw away imaginary thoughts and false expectations. We go to relationships with many demands and expectations. When these expectations are not met, the so-called love we have been feeling turns to hate, resentment, or the feeling that we have been made a fool of. Living in this manner, it is difficult to encounter real lasting love.

When this pattern repeats too many times, some become unable to be in a relationship at all and live protecting themselves from failure and pain. These individuals may not be aware of the deeper problem - that, like Karla, they have been caught in the grip of counterfeit love, which always leaves a person emptier than before. .

Counterfeit Love

Counterfeit love is so common in many ways that we often just take it for granted. In counterfeit love, when we have strong feelings towards someone, we immediately assume that we are in love. As all feelings change most people are convinced that love cannot last. They do not realize that it is the nature of feelings to change, and also the nature of counterfeit love.

Counterfeit love includes the idea that love is a feeling, not a way of life. It is confusion between excitement, dependence, attachment, and the real thing. Real love does not fluctuate. There is no rejection of another person if they do not meet our needs. The nature of our relationship with them may change, but we do not hate or become bitter. Real love never discards anybody; it knows and accepts that true relationship is based upon something deeper than feelings that come and go.

Exercise : Unmasking Counterfeit Love

Describe what love means to you and how a person has to be for you to love him.

Describe some situations in which you felt you had love, only to be disappointed. What did you take to be love that might have merely been infatuation, need, or fantasy?

In your present relationship, for a week, give up one expectation a day. Let the
person and relationship be just as they are. Do the same for yourself. See how you
and your partner begin to feel.

Keep a diary about this. You’ll be amazed.

(To learn more about the truths about love read, Save Your Relationship, (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), www.truthaboutlove.com

Experience more from the best selling author, psychologist and relationship expert who has helped thousands find strength, balance and fulfilling relationships.

1. Fore More Free Professional Relationship Guidance

2.Experience The Program Which Is Changing The Lives Of Thousands of Couples and Iindividuals: Save Your Relationship

3.Why Men Leave And Other Unexpected Surprises: A Revolutionary New Program Which Provides You With Fast And Proven Means Of creating Joyous and Deeply Satisfying relationships.

The Greatest Gift - What Is It?

The greatest gift we can give one another in a relationship is our true selves – being who we are. For some this is not difficult, but for most it takes practice to take off the masks and become real. At first it can seem frightening to stop playing games, and just be. However, much of the trouble that arises in relationships is because we are unwilling to do this. We think the games we play protect us, though they are actually the cause of the problems we have. Our need for real contact is so strong that when it is not there, our partner can easily feel lonely, rejected or as though they don’t matter much.

There are all kinds of ways we keep the games going. Instead of finding out who our partner truly is, or what they really need from us, when something happens we don’t like, we rush to label them. They become an object to us, a stranger, or opponent in some way. Before we give them a chance to reveal themselves, we throw them away. In this way we constantly separate ourselves from one another and then wonder why we feel so alone.

The biggest need we all have is to stop playing games, trust who we are and realize that each person who comes into our lives is there for a reason; they are worth knowing truly. We must learn to build bridges between ourselves and them; allow open communication to take place. When we are unwilling to do this, it is usually because we are hiding, afraid of being known.

How To Let Go of The Games We Play

To start on our journey of becoming real, it is useful to look closely at the roles we play—the fantasies we so cherish. These roles are often exactly what get in our way. Roles can be hypnotic, it is easy to fall in love with a role or fantasy and begin to believe it is who we truly are. Or, more commonly, we fall in love with the role someone else is playing, become mesmerized by it and have no idea at all who the real person is. When that happens, we are not falling in love with the person, but with the fantasy they are creating for us. It can and does come as quite a shock when things change and, one day, we find out who they truly are. At this point, many relationships get rocky.

There are many reasons it may feel dangerous to let go of a role or image. For some, the idea of being true has become confused with the idea of being selfish, not caring about the feelings of others. Oddly enough, just the opposite is so. When we are able to respond truthfully, real caring can begin to arise. On the other hand, when we act from our roles and games, we are implicitly demanding this kind of false response from others. This way of relating is deadening; and takes the enthusiasm, fun and aliveness away. Everything becomes predictable. Boredom sets in.

The biggest danger of being lost in a role is that we lose touch with the reality of who we really are and what’s going on, both for ourselves and others. An incredible amount of misunderstanding comes about when we are glued to a particular fantasy or role. Unglue yourself a little.

In order to unglue ourselves from the usual roles we play, it is helpful to step into another's shoes. Try seeing the situation from your partner’s point of view. Pretend you are them for a few moments; what would you need or want if that were true? Look at yourself through their eyes. You may be in for quite a surprise. As our compassion for and understanding of others increases, our stereotyped reactions melt away.

We constantly need to broaden our horizons. No relationship can stay the same forever. If it does grow, it begins to fade. If we do not expand, we begin to atrophy as well. As we become real and respond from the truth of who we are, a sense of fresh possibilities, flexibility and aliveness comes to us. It brings excitement and adventure as well. This a sure fire way to bring the greatest gift, both to others and to ourselves.

Cc/author/2007



Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s top e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and noted author has helped thousands become stable, strong and fulfilled. Get free ezine and reports at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at : topspeaker@yahoo.com




Experience more from the best selling author, psychologist and relationship expert who has helped thousands find strength, balance and fulfilling relationships.

1. Fore More Free Professional Relationship Guidance

2.Experience The Program Which Is Changing The Lives Of Thousands of Couples and Iindividuals: Save Your Relationship

3.Why Men Leave And Other Unexpected Surprises: A Revolutionary New Program Which Provides You With Fast And Proven Means Of creating Joyous and Deeply Satisfying relationships.

How Love Grows (Practical Steps to Keeping Love Alive in Your Relationships)

We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they don’t feel it’s possible to have the same success in love. They tell themselves to “be realistic.” Being realistic about relationships” is considered natural as we “grow up” and give up the fantasies, foolishness and dreams of childhood. But being in love is the most mature and realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. The body heals the heart is happy. The real question is, how can we learn to help love grow in all aspects of our lives? What gets in the way?

The following steppingstones will show how to help love grow, whatever our situation. They include exercises to strengthen our love muscles, and turn our lives around.

The One Right Besides You

Most of the time we are either searching for the right person or wanting to change the one we are with. We do not take a precious moment to stop and truly see the one who is right in front of our eyes. And, beyond that, though we may not be aware of it, we do many things to push that person away.

Look at a person who is close to you right now – anyone it happens to be. Notice what you are demanding of them in order to be happy together. Then notice the subtle ways in which you push them away.

For a moment, stop it. Spend time just being together. Allow things to go whatever way they do. Let all of it be fine just as it is.

Tomorrow, do the same thing with someone else. The more we can be “right” and happy with each person we meet, the fuller and more joyous our lives will be.

Playing At The Game of Love

So many complain that they are not loved. The reason for this can be quite
simple. They are so busy playing roles and games that the partner never gets to know who they really are. They never know either.

Notice what roles (or games) you play in relationships, and what roles you
demand others play.. See if you are in love with the person you are with, or with the role he/she is playing right now.

Turn this around for a little while. Stop playing roles completely. Love is not a game we play. Love is knowing and accepting yourself and the other exactly as they are. Who we are is always loveable and beautiful. It’s the roles that get in the way.

Letting Him Come and Letting Him Go

One great obstacle in living a life of love is the tendency to hold on. We grasp
and cling to those we care for, preventing their freedom and ease. But this is not love, it is attachment and dependency. In the long run it suffocates the one you cling to and suffocates you too.

Try giving it up for awhile. Let the person come and go as they feel. See how wonderful both of you will feel when you grant your partner this kind of trust. It is said that we can never lose that which belongs to us.

It’s important to put this into action. When someone comes into your life (or
day) practice letting him come. Welcome the person – whoever he is. Enjoy what it is he brings.When it is time for a person to go away, practice letting him go. Do not turn the person’s leaving into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. Realize that his leaving has nothing to do with you. It is simply time for him to go.
Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely in life, not tying
yourself in unnecessary chains. The more we free others and ourselves, the more love can grow.

Letting Go Of Unnecessary Expectations

Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. They can be
quite amazed to discover that even when these demands are met, nothing really changes. These demands don’t lead to happiness. They just may be obstacles to love.
Take a look at what you feel is absolutely necessary in relationships. Realize this
Expectations may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away. Not only that, these expectations can be making you fearful and rigid, not open to what is available.

Let one of these demands subside. At first let it go for just one day and see how
it feels. (Remember you can always take it back again). Now try another the next day. As we do this many times, we may find that that which we thought was crucial was only getting in the way. The more we do this the lighter we will feel and all kinds of new people will start appearing in our lives. We have made room.

Giving Gifts

Giving and receiving are the fuel that keeps love burning strong. What gifts do you give in relationships? Take a few moments and also see what you hope to receive in return. Just giving for its own sake, without hoping for anything in return is the most powerful giving of all.

It’s important to practice this. Give something to someone each day. Then, find something new you can give and offer that. Now, do this with different kinds of people, those you might not have given to before.

It’s also important to do this with yourself as well. Each day take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like. (Can be simple – a walk in the park, new lipstick, time with someone you care for.) Although this exercise is simple, it is extremely powerful. Doing this daily can turn everything around. When we give freely and fully, we do not feel so needful. Less demands are placed on our relationships and we feel full and complete.

Becoming Your Own Best Friend

Many say they are lonely, even with a partner at their side. This is simply because
they have not yet made friends with themselves. Once they make friends with themselves and are able to be who they are, it is difficult to feel lonely again.
Make friends with yourself. Spend time noticing who you are and accept
whatever you notice, all parts of yourself. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on. Just notice and let it be. Understand that underneath the clamor, you are perfect just as you are.

When you learn to accept and make friends with yourself you can then become a
true friend to others, and also choose to be in relationships with those who value and appreciate you. As your love for yourself and others keep growing, the very meaning of relationships alters and life takes a whole new turn.
Cc/author/2007

Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s top e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and noted author has helped thousands become stable, fulfilled and strong. Get free ezine and reports at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at : topspeaker@yahoo.com

Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com

How To Break The Addiction To Anger

“In my mind are thoughts that can hurt or help me. I am
constantly choosing the contents of my mind.”
Dr. Gerald Jampolsky

It is easy to become addicted. We are all creatures of habit. Habits provide a sense of certainty, security and stability in our lives. When they are disrupted our sense of well being becomes easily threatened. However, when we depend upon a habit for our sense of well being, it is easy for it to develop into an addiction.
Addiction to anger is one of the most common and lethal addictions, and one most seldom recognized. The anger addict becomes hooked by the false sense of power anger brings. As the addiction grows, it consumes more and more of their lives, producing painful consequences.

The best way to undo an addiction is to look it squarely in the face, see what triggers it, how it functions become aware of the false promises it offers and the huge costs we pay. Then we replace old behaviors with new ones that are easy and enjoyable. As we dissolve an addiction we regain power back over our lives.
To begin to dissolve the addiction to anger, we will start by becoming aware. What is the source of this addiction? What function does it serve?

Functions of Addictions

When we are addicted to anything (anger, substances, relationships), many troubling aspects of life are blocked out. Our focus narrows. The addiction numbs us to painful feelings we may not wish to deal with. The addiction is serving as a defense against anxiety. It prevents us from seeing and dealing with issues, which need to be attended to.

In particular, an addiction to anger provides a sense of power. This is often a defense against feeling helpless or inadequate. Individuals become blind to the fact that as the addiction develops, they will need more and more of it to feel okay. Not only does the dosage increase, but so does the negative impact upon their lives. Addiction provides a false sense of security. At first it makes the individual feel safe and secure. The reality, however, is that an addiction blinds an individual from doing what needs to be done to build a life of true value and stability.

Effects Of Addiction To Anger

When we are angry we often have a temporary feeling of strength, energy,
power, authority or control. Much like alcohol, the surge of anger, which takes over, block out fears, inhibitions and doubts. There is a temporary sense of freedom and empowerment that we normally lack.

Anger also blocks out logical thought processes, producing a sense that we are absolutely right. Some individuals who have trouble making decisions can make them easily then. Decisions made while angry often focus only upon a limited aspect of the situation. These kinds of decisions rarely provide positive outcomes.
Anger provides a sense of justification. Many actions that might seem unacceptable when calm seem perfectly fine when we are angry. Anger also encourages us to blurt out negative thoughts and feelings we may have been holding in that might have better gone left unsaid. Of course, after the surge of anger passes, it is difficult to take these words back. Even if we apologize the after effects remain.

Dissolving The Addiction To Anger:

1)List the times in which you feel angry or upset automatically. What person, thoughts, memory or situation brings this up? For now, just notice this and write it down. As you go through the day, if another situation strikes you, step back, notice it, and write it down as well. Rather than reacting blindly, you are now taking time to become aware. Once you become fully aware of the way anger operates in your life it will not be able to sneak up from behind.

2)Find a substitute for the automatic angry reaction. Instead of reacting the same old way the next time the situation arises, stop, breathe and tell yourself, I will not be a slave to anger anymore. Stop and listen to the person and say to yourself, “This time I will let them be right. There’s plenty of time to be right later.” See how much better you feel now getting pulled down into anger.

3)Find a new way of viewing the situation. Instead of seeing them as an enemy, tell yourself that their anger is a cry for help. It comes from pain and conflict within. Instead of going on the attack, say to the person (either in your mind or out loud), “What can I do to serve you?” Not only will this diffuse the anger, but will open new doors for both of you to walk through.

Watch stress and sickness melt away on The Anger Diet. Top psychologist and relationship expert presents award winning program that has helped thousands become strong and stable. To learn more go to: http://www.theangerdiet.com. For free ezine and articles, go to http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact - topspeaker@yahoo.com. 212) 288-0028.

Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com

Four Steps To Becoming Closer (Developing Emotional Intimacy)

FOUR WAYS TO BECOME CLOSER

DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Even when they are in relationships, many wish to become closer to their partners and share quality time that is truly intimate. They want to feel free to express all of themselves. Although many try in all kinds of ways, it is helpful to learn some direct steps, which open emotional doors between partners and deepen the bond they share.

The heart and soul of intimacy begins with communication. However, few really know how to listen, or how to find the right time or way to express what is inside. Some communicate to control, manipulate, or be right. Others communicate to present an image of who they are, to impress and gain approval. Their communication creates a wall that doesn't let another in. No matter how many gifts they give to their partner, it never seems to be enough. Of course the real gift everyone wants is to be truly known and heard.

True emotional intimacy begins with willingness to be who you are - to express yourself honestly and fully and to know that your partner is able to accept you as you are. This also includes the reverse - your being able to really listen, understand and accept your partner and what he needs to share.

Many relationships are based upon an on-going struggle to fix or change the other person. They are not good enough as they are. This struggle blocks intimacy as the partner always feels criticized in some way. The greatest barrier to emotional intimacy is the feeling that we have to be someone different than who we are.
The following simple steps open the way for intimacy. They allow you to practice a communication that sets up an atmosphere in which intimacy can grow. These exercises are simple and yet powerful. They will help you to make friends with both your partner and yourself.

1) ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER AS THEY ARE. (Accept yourself as you are as well).

Stop criticizing, complaining, and letting your partner know what's wrong with them, what's missing. Drop the desire to change them. When something happens that usually causes you to criticize or complain, just let it be as it is. Say to yourself, I will let this person be as they are and let go of my wish to control them. Watch how they begin to open up as this goes on.

STEP 2 - FOCUS ON WHAT'S RIGHT ABOUT YOUR PARTNER. LET THEM KNOW.

You fell in love with your partner for some reason. Focus upon what it is that drew you to them, the things they've done that make you happy. Then, tell them so. So often we communicate the complaints and keep the praise and acknowledgment silent. Start doing the reverse of this. Make a point of letting your partner know whenever he does something to please you, or when there is something about him that you genuinely like and respect. This is not flattery, but the process of acknowledgment. We usually think the person already knows what is good about them, but actually this is rarely so. It is crucial to "acknowledge" what is happening. Open up and tell them how they made you happy, or what about them you enjoy and respect. (This also lets our partner know what pleases and is meaningful to us).

STEP 3 - LISTENING WITH LOVE

Listening means, stopping our own inner dialogue and drama and really being there for another person. We allow the person to say whatever it is they have in their mind. We do not correct, interrupt, try to teach them something, or bring up other instances when they were wrong. Instead really listening means creating an environment where the other feels and is "heard".

So often we do not "hear" the other, but only hear the voices in our own mind. We have personal agendas for how they should be acting and what we want them to say. Unless we drop those agendas, we can never really become close or know the person we are with. Here is a secret - when a person feels really listened to and heard, they always feel loved.

To practice this exercise - clear you mind and focus only upon your partner and what he is saying to you. Do not think of an answer, do not think of anything. Listen carefully and then at the right moment, paraphrase what he said to you, just so he knows you are with him and have heard what he said. For example, you could say, I heard you say that you feel you need more space. Don't comment upon this, analyze it, or anything. Just let him know he's been heard. Mirror to him the essence of what he's said. This will let him know you are with him, listening to him fully, not finding ways to criticize or change.

STEP 4 - ASKING AND RECEIVING

Ask for what you want and need. You give a great gift to the other by asking for what you really want. Many are afraid to ask for fear that if they let their partner know what they really want, they could be turned down. It requires the willingness to be open and vulnerable. Ask for what you want and what is important to you. You will be amazed at the fact that very often your partner had no idea.

Once you ask for what you want, allow yourself to receive it, and offer thanks. Many people take what is given without offering thanks, gratitude and acknowledgment of how much the gift meant to them. This leaves the giver feeling upset. Make sure you fully let your partner know how much the gift meant to you.

Now, of course, do the reverse. Find out what your partner truly wants and needs. See if you can give it to them. If you cannot, discuss it. Don't allow it to fester. Once something is honestly discussed, the two of you can make adjustments and move on. When two individuals feel known, heard and accepted, not only does the emotional intimacy grow, but a sense of wholeness and well-being develops alongside as well.
Although these steps are simple they are extremely powerful. Try one today and see. If you do them day after day, it is impossible not to find the bond deepening naturally.

Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and has run over 500 workshops and helped thousands become strong, stable and fulfilled. Contact her at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. Her personal
website is: http://www.brendashoshanna.com/

Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com

How To Reject Rejection

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

[Self-Improvement:Attraction]

Article:

Rejection is one of the most painful experiences in relationships. Not only rejection from our partner, but also rejection from ourselves. As soon as some feel their partner is finding fault with them, they quickly begin to reject themselves. Their sense of self-worth and lovability is directly linked to how their partner feels about them. When an individual is in an abusive relationship, where rejection and fault finding is on-going, it is not unusual for them to completely lose confidence in themselves and their ability to ever love again.

But let’s look at this more closely. What is really happening when a person is feeling rejected? Is it really due to the behavior of their partner, or is it that they are now down on themselves? When a person feels really secure and good about themselves, it doesn’t matter how anyone else treats them or what they do or say. Here is a basic law of love. When you thoroughly absorb this and practice it in your relationships, your sense of self worth and equilibrium automatically grows.

How A Person Treats You Says More About Them Then About You

Negative behavior from your partner reflects on them, not you. It is their difficulty they are expressing. Never take it personally. When you take it personally, it simply means that now you are agreeing with their negativity and rejecting yourself.

The Dynamics Of Rejection If we look more closely we can discover that rejection is a common occurrence. Many of us are involved in it on an on-going basis. From morning to night, we complain, judge, condemn and basically reject most of what life brings to us. We want one thing and get another. We enjoy warm weather and it always rains. We want our partner to behave in one way and they do the opposite. We can even start to feel there’s something wrong with everyone we meet, that we have to fix, change or instruct them. This keeps us feeling separate and alone. What we do not see is that we ourselves have set into motion this experience of rejection.

Guideline: Stopping Rejection

If you are being rejected a lot, take time to notice the ways in which you reject yourself or others. Then stop it. Turn it around. Look for what is good or right about the person or situation in front of you. Look for what is good and right about yourself.

Do Not Look For The Faults Of Others

Loneliness and upset in our relationships comes from projecting our faults onto others, and then rejecting them. It also comes from others doing the same to us. When we do this, we then spend most of our time trying to change and control others or ourselves. This never, ever makes for happy relationships where both parties can be themselves, feel wanted and naturally grow.

When we catch ourselves being rejected or rejecting others, we can stop this process by taking responsibility for what is happening. We can immediately look for our part in how we are perceiving others - and ourselves.

Here are 2 more laws of love:

1) The more we value, like and appreciate ourselves, the less we will be affected by rejection.

2) The more we value, like and appreciate others, the less they will reject us.

The experience of acceptance and oneness is what everyone desires. Give that to others and give it to yourself. In order to do this we must realize that whoever appears before us, is simply another face of ourselves. Judgment or the desire to change them is not necessary. Curiosity is a better response.

As we allow others to be who they are, and view them with understanding the mind that accepts develops in us. This mind is your greatest asset.. The mind that accepts provides a positive outlook that nurtures and upholds all life.

This may take a little time and practice, but it is well worth it. As we practice this kind of open-heartedness it will soon become obvious that the way we treat others is also the way we treat ourselves. The more we accept others, the happier, healthier and more fulfilled our lives and relationships will be.

SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP (www.truthaboutlove.com) is a ground-breaking relationship counseling program. It unlocks to the proven methods to overcoming the most difficult relationship problems.

Written by Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com