Your Daily Professional Relationship Help: 2006.09

2006-09-28

Dr. Shoshanna's Biography

Watch Dr. Shoshanna on National TV. Recieve some relationship guidance which may speak to your particular relationship problems, and learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's methods of helping couples and singles create healthy and happy relationships.

"Based upon 30 years of providing therapy as a Psychologist and Psychoanalyst to both individuals and couples, I've realized how much hurt and disappointment comes from unfulfilled hopes, misunderstandings and lack of real communication.

My work has been dedicated to integrating psychology and spirituality and applying it directly in our everyday lives. As a long term Zen practitioner as well as a psychologist, I enjoy discovering new, constructive, approaches to life's challenges.

I am author of many books, including The Anger Diet (30 Days To Stress Free Living), Zen and the Art of Falling in Love, (Simon and Schuster), Zen Miracles (Finding Peace In An Insane World) and many others.

My training includes psychoanalytic, psychodynamic, humanistic and transpersonal approaches. However, I work with each individual's uniqueness, seeing what that individual's life direction, wishes and goals may be.

In my work I focus upon an individual's gifts and strengths. As these grow stronger, many difficulties and unnecessary defenses fall away by themselves."

Taking the first step toward getting help is often the most difficult -- please don't hesitate to: email me

GENERAL
Gender: Female
Years in Practice: 20+ Years
Avg Cost (per session): $120-$150
Sliding Scale: No
Accepts Insurance: No

CLIENT FOCUS
Ethnicity: Any
Gender: All
Religious Orientation: Any
Gay/Lesbian Focus: —Alternative Languages: —Age: Adults, Elders

QUALIFICATIONS
Undergraduate School:
Barnard University

Graduate School:
Adelphi University
Year Graduated: 1972

License No. and State: 004253 New YorkPh.D.

Doctor of philosophy. This academic degree is earned in four to seven years. Many psychologists, therapists, counselors and coaches hold a doctorate of philosophy. A Ph.D. in psychology teaches theory as well as statistics and data gathering. Many Ph.D.s go on to work in academic settings, as researchers and professors. Psychologists with a Ph.D. are also fully trained in the assessment and treatment of all behavioral conditions, from anxiety and depression to anger and resentment. (American Psychological Association)

SPECIALTIES
Specialties:

Relationship Issues
Personality Disorders
Loss or Grief
Depression
Anxiety or Fears
Divorce
Domestic Abuse or Violence
Gay Lesbian Issues
Life Coaching
Parenting
Spirituality
Impulse Control Disorders

TREATMENT PREFERENCES
Orientation:

Psychodynamic Therapy
Psychodynamic therapy is also known as insight oriented therapy. It evolved from Freudian psychoanalysis in which the therapist interprets the patient's words and behaviors. This approach holds that bringing the unconscious into conscious awareness promotes insight and resolves conflict. This therapy involves more frequent sessions than CBT does.
Transpersonal

This branch of psychology is concerned with the study of states and processes in which people experience a deeper or wider sense of who they are—or a sense of greater connectedness with others, nature or the spiritual dimension. Transpersonal psychology extends into consciousness studies, spiritual inquiry, mind-body relationships and transformation. Carl Jung first coined the term transpersonal(uberpersonlich) when he used the phrase transpersonal unconscious as a synonym for collective unconscious.

Modality:
Couples
Group
Individuals

EASY ACCESS
Nearby Towns: New York NY
Nearby Counties: New York
Nearby Zips: 10028

SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP (www.truthaboutlove.com) is a ground-breaking relationship counseling program. It unlocks to the proven methods to overcoming the most difficult relationship problems.

Written by Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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2006-09-16

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2006-09-13

Article: How To Stop The Fighting In Your Relationships

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Summary:

[Health-and-Fitness:Relationship-Advice-Issues]

For some couples fighting is the fire that keeps their relationships alive. However, fighting is damaging in a relationships. This article shows why, what people get out of fighting, and how to stop it.

Article:

For some couples fighting is the fire that keeps their relationships alive. It lets them know the other cares. Many are determined to win a battle that never seems to be over. In addition, they try to right the wrongs they have experienced in the past with someone new. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is doomed to failure. When we bring baggage from a former relationship into the present, all new relationships simply become a continuation of the past.

What People Get Out of Fighting

It is important to understand why couples (who are now parted) keep fighting. For some fighting is a fire that keeps their relationships alive. It lets them know the other cares, things aren’t really over, and sparks still fly between them. Although consciously, they do not want to be together, fighting can keep these couples bonded, causing them to think about each other a great deal, determined to win the power struggle.. Many couples keep these power struggles going long after they have parted.

For them it is a way to keep the relationship from ending, (even though they may be divorced, or living apart). Anger escalates and fighting can easily become a habit, something we fall into automatically and instinctively. This habit can be hard to get out of, and soon we find ourselves fighting not only with our ex partner, but with children, friends and new relationships.

Needless to say, fighting prevents real communication from developing. It is a way of threatening or blaming the other. Rather than really addressing issues, it causes a situation to remain stuck. Without a good fight, a relationship is over,” says Mary, a twenty six year old administrative assistant. “The lights have gone off between us. It’s a sign my partner no longer cares.”

Mary, who was recently divorced and is now in another choppy relationship feels that eventually she’ll marry a man with whom she can fight - and survive the storms. “ I respect a guy who I can fight with, who can take me as I am.”

For Mary being angry, fighting and winning has became her identity. Without it, she no longer knows who she truly is. She does not see price she is paying for this kind of relationship or what toll it takes on all concerned.

Unfortunately, the anger many individuals live with on a daily basis can become crystallized into their identity. Once this identity becomes habitual, the individuals soon have no idea who they would be without it. Needless to say, this blocks out much of the happiness, flexibility, communication and intimacy they desire.

“I’m not letting her walk all over me,” Roger would balk whenever his ex wife expressed her needs to him now, or brought up any issue. Rather than listening to what she had to say, he immediately took it as criticism. “She’s trying to tell me I’m inadequate,” he would declare. The war was on. What started as a conversation, turned into a power struggle. From Roger’s point of view, his very manhood was at stake.

However, as long as any of us hold onto our anger and continue fighting, there is no hope of working the problems through, or even truly understanding what is really going on. Roger could not pause and realize that his former wife’s needs and feelings had nothing to do with him. He was determined to take whatever she said or did personally and keep feeling badly about himself. These are many consequences when we cling to anger and allow it to turn into our sense of who we are.

Beyond that, it’s impossible not to receive the fruits of what you have put forth. “As you sow, so shall you reap,” is an immutable law of living. Although we may justify all kinds of behavior it is absolutely inevitable that we will experience the consequences of our thoughts, actions and deeds. Depression arises, hopelessness and the inability to love again.

There are many steps involved in letting go of anger and stopping the fighting in our relationships. The very first step is to realize that anger is a toxin. It is not a source of strength or power, but can become an addiction, a substitute for true power and wisdom, something that hinders our well-being and stops our life from going forward.

Anger is ruthless in the course it takes, disrupting our body, mind and spirit. It hardens our hearts and causes misjudgment and confusion of all kinds.

There are definite steps we can take to undo anger, dissolve this toxin from our lives and be able to start really new. In order to begin a new chapter and to build a positive relationship both with ourselves and others, it is necessary to begin this process.

Here are a few steps one can take to begin. They are taken from The Anger Diet which offers one step a day for thirty days. These following guidelines are simple, but powerful.. Why not try them today and see.

Putting An End To The War

1)Stop Blaming – It is absolutely pointless for you to blame yourself or the other. Blame stops you from seeing the truth. While we are engaged in pointing a finger, and making the other feel guilty, we cannot see what is really going on. Blame is a way to keep the fight alive. TAKE A VACATION FROM BLAME FOR ONE DAY. Instead of thinking of all the ways the person has hurt you keep your eyes open to watch how you may be stoking the fires. Focus upon what the person has done for you, instead. See the affect in your own life.

2)Realize The Price You Are Paying For These Fights. Unless we truly realize the terribly toll fighting is taking on us, we will continue it automatically. In order to get off of this merry-go-round, we must honestly take note of the consequences each fight brings, what it is doing to our body, mind and spirit. Then ask do I truly want this? Haven’t I suffered enough? Why not stop it today?

3) Know There Is A Better Way - You have to become aware that there is a better way to be in a relationship, and that this better way is possible for you too. This is the time to expand your view. Define success as being happy and healthy and having what you truly want. Realize that there are tools and techniques you can learn fairly easily which will make a positive relationship also possible for you.

4)Build A Strong Sense of Self-Worth - Build a strong sense of self worth. The basis of all good relationships is a feeling of worthiness, a desire to honor, gift and pleasure yourself,and to do the same for the other. Choose this kind of relationship and let go of all that opposes it.

As we have the courage to let go of anger, not only does our health improve, but soon we notice many kinds of wonderful, new people and experiences entering our lives. We attract what we focus upon. When we focus upon well-being, forgiveness and love, that is what our lives will be like.

“One word frees us from all the weight and pain of life.

That word is love.” --Sophocles

Article Word Count: 1224

Cc/author/2005

Discover the proven methods on how to overcome the most difficult relationship problems - and build the joyous and deeply satisfying relationships you've always dreamed of, by working with the unique program in Dr. Shoshanna’s new e-books:

SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP and WHY MEN LEAVE

Dr. Shoshanna is a state licensed Psychologist, an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com. She is also a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online, and appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

Article: How To Break The Addiction To Anger

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:

“In my mind are thoughts that can hurt or help me.
I am constantly choosing the contents of my mind.”

--Dr. Gerald Jampolsky

There are many ways of being addicted and many purposes an addiction serves. Addiction to anger is one of the most common and lethal addictions, and one most seldom recognized. Like addiction to alcohol or drugs, the addict feels good in the beginning, becomes hooked by anger and then gradually as the addiction grows, it consumes more and more of their lives, producing painful consequences.

The Best Way To Undo An Addiction

The best way to undo an addiction is to look it squarely in the face, see how it operates, when it arises, how it maneuvers, the lies it tells us, the false promises it offers and the huge costs we pay for it. Once we understand the process of addiction fully, the next step is to undo the fear the keeps it going - to handle the need behind it fuels it. In this way we take the power back over our own lives. To begin this process, to look at our addiction fully, we start by looking at some of the function an addiction serves.

Functions of Addictions

When we are addicted, all we can think about is our addiction, about getting another "hit". Our focus and attention narrows, many aspects of life are blocked out. This itself is soothing to many. As focus narrows it numbs us and blocks out painful feelings and experiences that we may not wish to deal with. At this point the addiction is serving as a defense against pain and anxiety. It is preventing us from seeing and dealing with issues, which need to be attended to. While this presents temporary relief, the situation behind the addiction, the fuel which feeds it, festers and intensifies.

Addictions also provide a sense of pleasure, power, of being high, mighty and invincible. (A defense against the feelings of helplessness and inadequacy many feel). Despite the fact that these good feelings the addiction produces are temporary, the craving for them can become so intense that the person becomes blind to consequences of their addiction. They also become blind to the fact that as the addiction develops, the dosage increases - they inevitably require more and more of it to feel okay. Not only does the dosage increase, but so does the negative impact upon their lives. Many become slaves to their addiction. Little by little it takes everything away.

Addiction provides a false sense of security. All the while an addiction is running, it makes the individual feel safe and secure. The reality, however, is those addictions destroy an individual’s true safety. It blinds them from doing what needs to be done to build a life of true value and stability. Lenny was usually a mild mannered man who withdrew when faced with conflict and troubling situations. He feared speaking up, feared hurting others and feared being in the wrong. As a result, his work life suffered.

He was passed over for promotions and despite his fine skills, relegated to lower level tasks. During one office conflict, when his immediate boss was present, something inside Lenny flipped over. "I couldn't take it anymore," he said. "I felt my face get red and then just opened my mouth and let everyone know where I stood in no uncertain terms." To Lenny's amazement, rather than being censored for his outburst, he was respected. People started to look at him with new eyes, as someone to be reckoned with.

This was Lenny's first experience with anger. He liked it. It provided a sense of power and strength that had been lacking. Afterwards he felt better as well. Soon he became hooked. Rather than deal with his feelings about himself and learn constructive ways of relating to others, Lenny began to depend upon having outbursts. (The way children can depend upon having tantrums). Lenny's outburst stopped his co-workers in their tracks, dominated the situation, and gained him the attention he had long desired. Soon Lenny began trying this at home as well. Despite the upset he generated around him, he got what he wanted.

Effects Of Addiction To Anger

Before long, Lenny was addicted to anger. In the beginning it gave him a feeling of strength. He didn't even notice that his closer friends and family were withdrawing from him. He didn't connect the anger with the new difficulty he'd developed with his digestion or the bad dreams he was having. Lenny soon began to feel that without the anger, he would be vulnerable, used, passed by. He needed the anger for his very life. And he was willing to pay the price.

When we are angry we often have a temporary feeling of strength, energy,righteousness, power, authority or control. Much like alcohol, the surge of anger, which takes over, can block out fears, inhibitions and doubts. There is a temporary sense of freedom and empowerment that we normally lack. Anger can also block out logical thought processes, producing a sense that we are absolutely right. When some are angry, there is no room for wavering, and they feel no need to. Some individuals who have trouble making decisions can make them easily then. They do not realize that it is not they who are making the decisions, but the anger they are host to. Decisions made while angry are often unilateral and focus only upon a limited aspect of the entire situation. These kinds of decisions rarely provide positive outcomes.

Anger provides a sense of justification. Many actions that might seem unacceptable when calm seem perfectly fine when we are angry. Anger also encourages us to blurt out negative thoughts and feelings we may have been holding in that might have better gone left unsaid. Of course, after the surge of anger passes, it is difficult to take these words back. Even if we apologize the after effects remain. Although it might have felt good to speak out while angry, a little later on when reality dawns, there is often a sense of regret. In one way or another we have to pay for what we have done.

Exercise:

List the times when you feel angry or upset automatically. What persons, thoughts, memories or situations bring this up? For now, just notice and write it down. As you go through the day, when another flash of anger strikes, step back and write it down as well. Rather than reacting blindly, you are stepping back and taking time to just look.

As we stop responding to the urges of anger, we begin the process of taking the steam out of it.

Article Word Count: 1117

Cc/author/2005

SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP and WHY MEN LEAVE

Article: From Anger To Peace Of Mind

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Summary:

Anger is a serious problem for many Americans. But anger has many faces. It camouflages itself and appears in many forms, such as depression, anxiety, hypocrisy, addiction. This article, based on The Anger Diet, describes the forms anger takes and offers specific concrete steps in dissolving it easily.

Article:

Anger is a serious problem for one in every five Americans. Road rage, workplace violence, domestic abuse and even addiction are just a few of its many expressions. The reason such a large umber of our nation’s citizens are on antidepressants, overweight, and involved in all kinds of difficult relationships can be directly traced to the effects of anger, particularly the hidden kind.

Anger has many faces. It appears in various forms and creates different consequences. Anger that is overt is the simplest to deal with and understand. When we or someone we know is openly angry, we know what we are up against and can address it directly. Unfortunately, however, most anger lurks beneath the surface. It often does not come to our awareness and manifests in endless, hidden ways – as depression, anxiety, apathy, hopelessness, and in myriad other forms.

Today we fear all kinds of external enemies. It is not so easy to realize, however, that the worse enemy we face is the anger that resides within us, the terror it causes and the ways this poison affects so much of our lives.

It is one thing to be told to forgive one another. It is another to know how to do this. Even though we may want to forgive, anger can be ruthless in the course it takes, attacking and disrupting our body, mind and spirits. However, there are many specific steps we can take to root this toxin out of our lives. As we do the results will be reflected not only in our mental and emotional well-being, but also in our environment and physical health. When anger is rooted out, love and forgiveness arise naturally and our lives and relationships become all they are meant to be.

Some of The 24 Forms of Anger –

The first step in rooting anger out of our lives is becoming aware of it. It is crucial that we recognize anger for what it is, be aware that it is appearing and notice the devastation it creates. When anger is allowed to remain camouflaged it holds us in its grip and easily erodes the quality of our entire lives. By recognizing the 24 forms of anger, we will be able to shine a flashlight on the poison within. Then we can choose to eliminate each one of these forms of anger, one a day. There are many wonderful antidotes that we can take. Instead of allowing anger to take hold, we simply replace it with a life giving, constructive, healing response.

To begin we will look at a few of the 24 forms of anger, and how it affects your life. More will be explored in further articles and are also detailed in The Anger Diet. In this article we will also explore some ways these forms of anger can be eliminated.

1) Straightforward Anger – Attack.

This is anger that is clear-cut and easy to recognize. The anger comes right out. Many regret it afterwards, feeling they couldn’t control themselves. This kind of anger has a life of its own; it rises like a flash storm and can easily turn into verbal, emotional or physical abuse.

2) Hypocrisy –

You are angry, but hide it beneath a smile and present a false persona, pretending to be someone you’re not. This behavior evolves into bad faith of all kinds. Although you think you are fooling others, in truth you are losing yourself and your own self-respect.

3) Depression –

Depression is so pervasive these days, and it ranges the gamut from mild to severe. Depression is anger and rage turned against oneself. It comes from not being able to identify or appropriately express the anger one is feeling. It then simply turns into depressions, attack against the person who is experiencing it.

4) Passive Aggression –

This is a form of anger expressed not by what we do but by what we do not do. We refuse to give the other person what they ask for, want or need. In this manner we anger the other while making it seem as though they are the one that is overly demanding. This is a way of expressing anger without taking responsibility for it, and blaming the other for what we have set in motion.

Steps To Dissolving Anger

Needless to say there are many specific steps to take to undo different forms of anger. We will offer some samples. The important point to realize is that anger can be dissolved in a moment. We can choose to see things differently. We can choose to make a different response.

It takes only a moment to escalate a situation and in that same moment, the trouble can be de-escalated. We must stop in the middle of automatic anger that arises, and take charge of what is going on. We can and must decide that we will not let anger take over and rule. We have the right and responsibility to choose how we will respond. Sample Ways To De-Escalate Anger:

1) Straightforward Attack:

Stop in the middle of a situation in which you either feel angry or are being attacked. Expand your vistas. Rather than respond in a knee-jerk manner, say to yourself, “Like me, this person has suffered. Like me, this person wants to be happy, like me this person experiences loneliness and loss.” As you do this, you are recognizing the similarities and common humanity you share, rather than focus on the differences. For a moment, allow the person to be right. You have plenty of time to be right later. Ask yourself, what is more important to you, to be “right” or to be free of anger? Choose compassion and see how you feel.See how the other feels as well. Watch new vistas open in your life.

2) Hypocrisy:

This is a common form of anger that appears in many different ways. When you notice yourself pretending, lying, exaggerating or deceiving, stop. Tell the truth at that moment. Be the truth. If you do not know what the truth is, be silent and become aware of what the deepest truth is for you. (This does not mean pouring out negativity or blaming the other. It means taking responsibility for what is real and true for you. (This will not only restore good will, it will connect you with what is most meaningful in your life.)

3) Depression:

Make friends with yourself today. When we are depressed, we are rejecting, hating and blaming ourselves. Undo this false state of mind. Find five things you admire and respect about who you are. Focus on sharing your good qualities with another. In depression we are only absorbed with ourselves. A wonderful antidote is to become absorbed with how you can reach out to and help another. As we root anger out of our lives, and find meaningful substitutions not only our lives but the lives of our loved ones, friends and acquaintances will be lifted and enhanced. Try the full anger diet and see.

Article Word Count: 1163

Cc/author/2005

SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP and WHY MEN LEAVE

Article: How To Keep Your Love Alive

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Summary:

Some believe romance and love should just come naturally, but nothing is further from the truth. There are specific steps to take each day which easily turn around a dull relationship and re-ignite the closeness and sparks. This article offers specific guidelines and exercises.

Article:

Some believe that romance should just come naturally, and if it doesn’t, or if the original closeness that existed in a relationship starts to subside, it means that something is wrong. Nothing is further from the truth. Keeping love alive requires time, attention and the willingness to keep things fresh and learn how to constantly reconnect. Here are some steps that will help us reconnect with our partners, and keep the love alive.

Step 1: Give up dead routines

After the initial excitement of being together is over, many fall into a routine and begin taking one another for granted. They assume they know what their partner is feeling, that it doesn’t matter if they come late for a date, don’t look as good as they used to, or decide to spend more and more time out with friends. However, it is crucial to realize that there are many small ways in which we sabotage relationships. Unless two people feel cared for and valued by one another, it is easy for the feelings of love to fade away.

Break into routines. Snap out of ruts. Take time to plan exciting, romantic, delicious times to spend together. Even if it’s just for a little while. Dedicate time to the relationship that nothing can interrupt. This is a sacred time for the two of you, and during it do what makes both of you feel most fulfilled.

Step 2: Take Charge of How You Perceive Your Partner Each Day

The good feelings between partners are often heightened by the way in which they view one another. Do you view him as a hero? Someone you can look up to and respect? Or are you mostly dwelling upon his/her faults? After a relationship has gone on for a while it is easy to begin to view one another as ordinary. This is a sure-fire technique for putting out any fire that might exist. Remember, when you first fell in love, you only saw the best about that person and focused on how wonderful they were. If you want to keep the love alive, keep that going consciously.

Here are two exercises to do to help. Get a personal notebook to record your experiences and feelings in. Read it from time to time. Dedicated a certain time each day to the relationship and what is possible between the two of you.

Exercise A – How You See Your Partner

Take some time and write down a description of how you see your partner. Who is he/she to you now? How do you feel about him? Write this down without censoring your thoughts and feelings.

Then, write down how you saw him when you first met, and how you felt about him then. See how your feelings of closeness are affected by the way you are perceiving the person today. Realize that how you perceive a person is totally within your control. You can have the most beautiful person in front of you, but if you do not see it, it is of no avail.

Consciously view your partner in a way that is similar to the way you did in the beginning. They will feel the effects of this, and begin responding in kind.

Exercise B – Stop Pushing Him/Her Away

There are many, little things we do (consciously and unconsciously) that push our partners away. Many are afraid of intimacy and do a great deal to short circuit it. Take a little while to write down ways in which you push him/her away. This is not to blame yourself, but to become aware of the times when you are not actually inviting closeness, but putting on the brakes.

Now, decide to change the way you behave. Each day take one item on your list (the way you’ve pushed him away) and do the opposite. For example, rather than criticizing him in public, say nice things about him with friends. A few small actions can have huge effects. .

Step 2: Understanding Hidden Expectations

There is nothing that can cause us to disconnect from each other as much as expectations that have been unfulfilled. We all enter relationships with many kinds of expectations and dreams, some we are aware of, others not. There is nothing that causes more disappointment than our expectations which are not being met.

Take a moment to become aware of what you are expecting of your partner. Is it possible for him to fulfill these expectations Does he want the same thing from the relationship? More often than not, it is our unfulfilled expectations, not the other person, which make us upset. In order to feel close and satisfied in a relationship, a crucial step is making sure your expectations can be met. See how your expectations align with the person you’re with. Also take time to see if anyone can fulfill them? Are these expectations realistic or simply childhood dreams you are still carrying with you?

Exercise C –- Letting Him Fulfill Your Dreams

Become aware off which expectations of yours your partner does meet. Now see if you are willing to be satisfied with that. Can you find a way to feel grateful for what you are receiving? Sometimes just deciding that what your partner offers is good enough, can allow the love to re-ignite once again. Then, let him know that he’s making you happy. Most people have a deep need to know and to hear that they are meaningful to you.

Step 6: Re-Choose Your Partner

When these steps are taken, you will not only be more connected, but you will be with your partner because there is no other place you want to be. The relationship will not be one of convenience, but one of choice. The actual act of re-choosing our partners, of knowing they are the one’s we want to be with, is the culmination of the reconnecting and romance we’ve found.

Sometimes it is very beautiful to make this process conscious. You can write down and express the ways in which you wish to recommit to your partner, you can write down and express the aspects of them that cause you to feel this way. By doing this on an on-going basis, we not only keep the love and relationship fresh, but we keep ourselves aware of why we are with the person, what our part is in the relationship, and the joy and romance that is possible for us to have forever.

SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP and WHY MEN LEAVE

Dr. Shoshanna is a state licensed Psychologist, an award winning international author, and a resident relationship expert on i.village.com. She is also a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online, and appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

Article: Discover Practical Steps To Falling In Love

Summary:

We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they don't feel it's possible to have the same success in love. This article shows you why that isn't so, and what steps to take to open up to falling in love. They work every time.

Article:

We are meant to live a life of love. . However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they don’t feel it’s possible to have the same success in love. They tell themselves to “be realistic.”

Being realistic about relationships” is considered natural as we “grow up” and give up the fantasies, foolishness and dreams of childhood. But nothing could be further from natural. Being in love is the most mature and realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. The body heals the heart is happy. The real question is, why aren’t we in love all the time? How can we learn to fall in love with all of life? Here are some ways to answer that question and turn your life upside down. You will learn how to clear away weeds in your garden and then realize “the entry point is right where you are.

1) THE ONE RIGHT BESIDES YOU Most of the time we are searching and searching for the right person. Now it is time to stop running around seeking what is right in front of your eyes. Look at a person who is close to you right now – anyone it happens to be. Notice the ways in which you push him away. Stop doing that. Allow the two of you to be together in whatever way you are. Let all of it be fine just as it is.

Do the same thing tomorrow with someone else. We dismiss so many people who are in our worlds, while waiting for the “right one” to appear. The more we can be “right” with everyone, the more we can open up to what is being offered now, the fuller and more joyous our lives will be.

2) PLAYING AT LOVE So many complain that they are not loved. The reason for this can be quite simple. They are so busy playing roles and games that the partner never gets to know who they really are. Notice what roles (or games) you play in relationships, and what roles you demand of others as well. See if you are in love with the person, or with the role he is playing right now. Why not let the roles go and simply be who you are. Who we are is always loveable and beautiful. It’s the roles that get in the way.

3) LETTING HIM COME AND LETTING HIM GO One great obstacle in living a life of love is the tendency to hold on. We grasp and cling to each, preventing the freedom of love from arising on its own. When someone comes into your life (or day) practice letting him come. Welcome the person – whoever he is. Enjoy what it is he brings. When it is time for a person to go away, practice letting him go. Do not turn the person’s leaving into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. Realize that his leaving has nothing to do with you. It is simply time for him to go. Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely in life, not tying yourself in unnecessary chains. The more we free others and ourselves, the more easily we fall in love.

4) PUTTING YOUR BAGGAGE DOWN Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. They can be quite amazed to discover that these demands don’t lead to happiness. They just may be obstacles to falling in love.

Take a look at what you feel is absolutely necessary in relationships. Now look at it again. Realize this is baggage you are carrying that may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away. Not only that – this baggage can be making you fearful and rigid, not open to what is available for you.

Let one of these demands subside. At first let it go for just one day and see how it feels to be without it. (Remember you can always take it back again). Now try another day. As we do this many times, we may find that that which we thought was crucial for our lives was really getting in the way. The more we do this the more light and happy we will feel. Not only that, but all kinds of new people, possibilities and situations we never noticed will start coming onto our path. We have made room for them by putting our baggage down.

5) GIVING GIFTS Giving and receiving are the essence of relationships.To open up to falling in love, it is important to sart giving naturally. What gifts do you give others in relationships? Take a few moments and also see what you hope to receive in return. Now find something new you can give to somebody. Give it. Do this everyday. Do it with all kinds of different people, without great fanfare and without expecting something in return. Then each day take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like today. (Can be simple – a walk in the park, new lipstick, time with someone you care for.) Now give this to yourself each day.

Although this exercise is simple, it is extremely powerful. When you give, remember not to look for anything in return By living with this open, generous mind, all kinds of other gifts come to you naturally.

6) MAKING FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF Many say they are lonely, even with a partner at their side. This is simply because they have not yet made friends with themselves. Once they make friends with themselves and are able to be who they are, it is impossible to be lonely anymore. Make friends with yourself. Spend time noticing who you are. Accept all parts of yourself. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on inside. Be still and look within. Accept and understand that you are perfect just as you are, that change and growth come naturally. Choose to have relationships with those who feel this way too.

Article Word Count: 1017

Copyright 2005 Brenda Shoshanna

SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP and WHY MEN LEAVE

Article: Simple Steps To Having Healthy Relationships

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Summary:

So many relationships start out wonderfully, and then, before you know it, your wondering where the love has gone. Your think that you've failed. However, when you know the proven laws of successful relationships, and how to practice them, happy and satifying relationships become the norm, not the exception. You then can mend a broken relationship, or build a new relationship that will weather difficulties, and grow better as time goes by.

Article:

All people want love, then when they get it they become afraid and start running in the opposite direction. On the one hand, they want love and to be in a relationship; on the other hand, they are relieved to get away. It always seems to as if relationships are difficult; difficult to find, difficult to keep and difficult to enjoy.

The fundamental truth is there is never a scarcity of relationships, there is never a scarcity of love. Love is our natural condition. Why aren't we in it all the time? What is it that makes us run from the love we are so hungry for? What drives people from the arms of each other, and what would it take to keep them there? In order to answer this question, first we have to understand the difference between Real and Counterfeit love.

Most of us live with the mirage of love rather than the real thing. Like a mirage, Counterfeit love is false and can never bring true satisfaction. Like all mirages, when Counterfeit Love is seen for what it is, it evaporates, leaving no room the real thing. No on runs from love that is real; they cannot. It's too nourishing and too rare. But counterfeit love traps you, scares you, keeps you on the run.

Counterfeit love gives a mirage of water in the desert, and we all know that a mirage wont quench your thirst.

Many feelings masquerade as love; dependency, attachment and possessiveness are just a few. Below I have offered several touchstones to love, which are touchstones to help you separate counterfeit love from the real thing. To begin, we will first look at some needs and patterns inside people that keeps them from really being with the other people, and potential mates, in front of them.

Waiting For The Perfect Partner

Many people have a secret fantasy which whispers that a perfect partner is somewhere, waiting for them. This perfect partner will not only accept them fully as they express the parts of themselves that are hidden, but will also bring out the best in them. Rather than criticize, demean and demand from them, the partner will give unconditionally and fulfill his/her needs. Fantasy should not be discounted, as it constitutes much of life.

Touchstone 1

Rather than looking for perfection outside of yourself by seeking another, find the perfection in yourself right now. List five things you accept and like about yourself.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Add to this list everyday. Focus upon what is good in yourself, and the parts you don’t like will fade away. No other person can make you whole. In order to find your perfect partner, you must become what it is you want to find.

Touchstone 2

Some use the quest for a perfect mate as a way to rejected and avoid being with the real people who come into our lives now. It is a way of avoiding fears that we may have of relationships. See if that is what you are doing. Is it safer to have a fantasy than a real flesh and blood person to build a life with?

Answer the following questions. What are the advantages to having a relationship? How will it improve your life? List as many as you can think of.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

What are the disadvantages to having a relationship? How will it affect your live negatively? List as many as you can think of.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

In order to resolve any concerns you have about relationships, you first must be aware and understand of them. Now that you have made your lists, please examine the disadvantages. Fantasy is a way of avoiding confronting such feelings. They must not be discounted, and you should ponder them closely. They constitute important obstacles standing in your way of having the relationship you desire. With this new awareness, you are now enabled to begin to resolve these concerns.

Touchstone 3

How to deal with people who are waiting for the perfect mate.

Be aware when a person is seeking an image, know that you will never perfectly fill that bill. Be who you are. Don't turn yourself into someone you think he/she will enjoy. They will know what you are doing, lose respect, run away.

Be warm and caring. Touch your mate softly. Don't reject his/her fantasies. If he/she is a person who is controlled by his peer group, see if you fit into his/her group image? For some people, the perfect person is stable, without too much passion. For others, it's just the opposite. Find out who the person is. If you do not fit his/her image, say good-bye, don't conform.

Realize that everything changes. What seems perfect one day will seem flawed the next. Examine your feelings about yourself, the ways in which you feel imperfect. Work on these issues directly; Another person can never complete something you are lacking within. See if your desire for perfection is simply a way of avoiding falling from love. It is easier to focus on what is wrong with a person than on what is right? Make a practice of finding everything that is right about all the people you meet, day after day. This will bring you an entirely new perception of people and of life. Accept your own flaws, do not judge them. The more you love and accept yourself, the more perfect others will seem.

Rather than look down upon others, make an effort to focus upon their beauty and goodness. Even if he/she isn't the right one for you, you can train yourself to find reality positive and comforting.

Article Word Count: 942

Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP and WHY MEN LEAVE

Dr. Shoshanna is a state licensed Psychologist, an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com. She is also a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online, and appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

Article: When Your Partner Strays -- Why It Happens And What To Do

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Summary:

Infidelity and the threat of it is the largest single issue that threatens relationships. Many wonder why it has happened, what to do and if it is possible to really re-build trust again. This article addresses these questions and offers specific answers and guidance about what to do. It is based upon Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships).

Article:

Infidelity and the threat of it, is the largest single issue that threatens relationships. If the partner has actually been unfaithful, or even if there is a suggestion of interest in another, the marriage automatically goes into a crisis mode. The basis of all good relationships is the ability to trust. It is not only the sexual betrayal but the fact of having been lied to that is so devastating. This break of trust takes time, patience and wisdom to repair. Rather than lapse into hurt and blame, it is absolutely necessary to understand and discuss what caused this breach to happen.

Understanding Infidelity

Often infidelity arises because certain needs in a marriage have not been met. Other times it arises as an act of resentment against the partner, or as a desire for freedom and adventure. Sometimes there are issues in the individual or in the relationship which have not been dealt with and which have simply festered. Rather than deal with them directly, the person then escapes the entire situation by getting involved with someone else. Whether or not you stay in the relationship, it is necessary to uncover the true causes. Many women blame themselves for it and are often left feeling unattractive and unlovable. This negative reaction must be handled. When the woman understands the true causes of what happened, she will not be left with tattered self esteem. (The same is true for men).

The question often comes whether or not it is possible to repair the broken trust and go forward in the marriage after infidelity. If both individuals are willing to confront the issues, be open to honest communication, be respectful of one another, then the marriage can emerge even stronger than before. Nevertheless, all must realize that this takes time, patience and commitment. The feelings of betrayal and suspiciousness may continue to go on for awhile. When they appear, it is necessary to address them and receive the reassurance needed once again. It is also necessary to create firm boundaries in the relationship that are adhered to and respected by both individuals.

Is it Cheating?

The question of what is infidelity has become much broader now, as individuals have such great access to others through the internet, where it is easy to satisfy wishes for companionship, fantasy or adventure. It is important to realize, however, that when we do not see or have to interact with another in person, when no demands are made of us, it is easy for fantasy relationships to develop. Due to the anonymity available individuals often feel that they can easily exchange intimacies that are not so easy to exchange in person. This stimulates a hotbed of fantasy and it is easy to feel one has someone in their life who cares and is there for them.

Online relationships have become a common and easy way to find adventure and diffuse stress. Many wonder whether intimacies exchanged with strangers online constitutes an infidelity of some kind. This is a delicate question which must be answered individually by the couples themselves. Many feel disturbed and threatened by their partner sharing intimacies with strangers online. Sharing intimacies with another in this manner has been called emotional infidelity, not having sex with another, but thinking of them, being with them in fantasy and withdrawing emotions from the marriage partner herself. There is a thin line here and it is crossed easily, so online relationships for those who are married need to be discussed, defined and boundaries set for them.

Again, one must question why this on-line relationship is gong on at all? How much intimacy is available in the marriage? One has to explore why this is happening at all. 3) Easy Access To Temptation Unfortunately, due to its easy accessibility, many married men are found engaging in online porn. When their wives find out they feel utterly betrayed, threatened, unattractive, humiliated and insecure.

Sometimes they discover the online porn because their husband’s sexual desire for them has decreased and their lovemaking is much less frequent. Online porn can become and often is an addiction. It can be much harder to break than one first realizes. This kind of addiction does not necessarily arise because the husband feels that his wife is undesirable, but because it is so much easier to relate in a fantasy mode than with a real flesh and blood person. In fantasy, one does not have to meet the needs of the other, or prove themselves in anyway.

These fantasy situations can also provide all kinds of highs and excitement that a real flesh and blood relationship is not able to offer anymore. This can become a serious problem which requires professional help. In these cases, it is necessary to let your partner know that this behavior is unacceptable, unhealthy, bad for your sense of self esteem. Boundaries have to be firmly set here. Many men minimize their involvement with online porn, and do not realize the consequences this activity is having and what a threat it is to their relationship. Even though the man minimizes it, the woman must hold onto her own reality and need for respect. She must see to it that professional help is sought if he cannot stop by himself. The longer an addiction grows the harder it can be to let go of.

It is important to recognize these threats to your relationship for what they are, not blame yourself for them or brush them under the table, but to face them directly in a constructive and hopeful way. Blaming the self or blaming the other is never helpful and leads nowhere. Acceptance, communication and understanding, however, go a long way. Needless to say, both must be willing to work on this together. If one partner is not willing to deal with it, then the other should seek help in making constructive choices for themselves. All relationships go through challenges. Whether they destroy your relationship or make it stronger, is up to both of you. It takes two to make this commitment, however. One person cannot do it alone.

Article Word Count: 1022

Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

Article: 4 Secrets Men Keep And Why You Should Let Them

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Summary:

Many women believe that if they are close to their man they should know everything about him. Not only is this untrue, but it is one of the main reasons relationships develop difficulties. In the very best of relationships, each partner has the space to have their own past and secrets. This article explains which secrets a man often needs to keep and why. It shows how to create boundaries where all feel valued and respected.

Article:

Many of us believe that if we are close to our man, we should know everything he is thinking, the secrets he keeps are little enemies, tearing us apart. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is absolutely necessary for each person in a relationship to have their own personal world, their thoughts, feelings and boundaries that belong to them and no one else.

Being close doesn’t mean being “fused” into one person. It means loving, honoring and respecting the other and sharing what it is that can be shared. If a man (or woman) feels that there is no room for them to have their own thoughts and experiences while in a relationship, they can easily feel that their individuality and sense of self is slipping away. Needless to say, a good relationship not only brings two people closer, but enhances each person’s sense of self worth and individuality. Here are 5 secrets that men often keep to themselves, and why it is important to let them do so.

1)That he looks at and is attracted to other women.

Don’t pry into this. Some women keep asking their man whether or not he is attracted to other women. A man who doesn’t look at anyone, or feel anything for them is either very old, very tired or lying. There is nothing wrong for a man to look at and admire other women, as long as he does it discretely, and not make a show of it before others or before you - as long as he doesn’t use it to make you insecure or competitive with the other women.

Looking at and responding to others doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you desirable, or that he’s comparing you. Most men fuel their sexuality and fantasies by looking at and admiring others. If you ask them to talk about it, not only will it make you nervous, but they can often feel shamed, embarrassed and exposed, unable to do what they do naturally, without being censured. Enjoy his love for you and leave well enough alone.

2)Details of his past relationships.

Some women become obsessed with finding out everything about their man’s past relationships. They need to know if they measure up, if he’s as happy with them as he was with others, what went wrong in the past relationships, or if he’s really over a past love. There’s no need to probe this, however. He was a different man in the past. Don’t hold his past wrongs against him. He doesn’t want to be reminded of them, and particularly doesn’t want you to see him in a bad light. Let him be who is he now.

Let him feel good about how he is with you, not be dragged past into memories of other people or of what did or did not do. The best way for him to forget old girlfriends is to feel happy, close and safe with you. Because he loved once, does not mean he cannot love again now. When we let the past be the past that is where it will stay.

3)Whether or not he’s really happy in the relationship?

Many women just can’t wait to get around to the “relationship” discussion. They want to know how he’s feeling about things in general, and at some point or another, sit him down to get all the details. This makes most men feel pressured, on the line and restless. They don’t know exactly what you want them to tell you or what it’s going to mean. Some fear repercussions for what they say. Communication that’s healthy in a relationship is on-going. It’s good to set up a situation where both of you can express your feelings as they arise – have them heard and attended to.

Sitting down for an “intense” discussion is not something most men are comfortable doing. It makes them feel judged and criticized and if it happens too often, can easily make them drift away.

4)If he enjoys being with his friends more than being with you?

Many women become possessive of their man’s attention and resentful of time spent away from them, particularly nights out with the guys or any time spent with other friends, having a good time. The women want to be included in everything as proof of his love for them. When the guy has spent time with his buddies, they want to know if he enjoyed that time more than being with them. It is a bad idea to question him about this, or make him feel that he has to choose. Time spent with buddies is crucial for many men, it is a time of male bonding that is greatly needed, no matter how much he cares for you.

Some women interfere with her man’s friendships and even his relationship with his family, she feels so threatened. But truly loving someone means allowing them to be all of whom they are – fulfilling all their needs and realizing that no matter how much they love you they also need others in their lives. When you have a truly healthy relationship, you are secure in his feelings for you, and want to see him happy and fulfilled with others. The more fulfilled he is, the more he can then give to you. Let the time he has with his buddies belong to him. Don’t question him about details, don’t make him feel guilty as though he is taking something away from you.

Article Word Count: 944

Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP and WHY MEN LEAVE

2006-09-12

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Six Important Facts No One Tells You About Relationships

By Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Summary:

Most of us have dreams about what relationships are, or will be like. Then we becme disappointed or afraid when things unfold differently. In this article, Dr. Shoshanna clearly states 6 important facts about relationships that you need to know before entering into them. Armed with this information, you will be better able to deal with inevitable ups and down.

Article:

Most of us have many dreams about what relationships will be like or should be like. We’ve lived with these dreams forever, so when the real thing happens, and we find ourselves in a relationship reality can be quite a shock. Some people feel tricked, trapped or like failures. Others do everything under the sun to change their partner, change themselves, or figure out why their marriage is different from the way they thought it would be.

The first step in truly understanding relationships, however, is to realize that what we dream about or imagine, is not necessarily what is going to happen to us. And that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with ourselves or our relationship. It just means that we didn’t know what to truly expect.

Here are six facts that no one ever told you about relationships that is important for you to understand. When you do, you’ll find that many of the tangles loosen and as you relax your relationship can grow naturally.

Number 1) Relationships are not static.

They can, will and must change. No two people stay the same during the course of a life time. Their needs, wishes, and interests vary. It is unreasonable to expect that relationship partners will always grow and change in the same ways, at the same time. This has to be accepted and included in the relationship. It is not necessary for the two of you to always think the same way, like the same things, or be in the same place at the same time. Just because you may have different tastes or interests doesn’t mean that the two of you aren’t in love. For relationships to remain vital and healthy it is necessary to have a core of mutual interests, activities and desires, but, it is also crucial to make room for differences between you. This doesn’t necessarily mean you are growing apart. It may just mean that you are growing, and will have even more love and understanding to bring to your partner in the long run.

Number 2) Romantic feelings of excitement, intoxication and infatuation necessarily wax and wane.

Many people expect to feel “in love” with their partner on a daily basis. By this they mean having romantic feelings of excitement and infatuation, feeling as though they can’t wait to see the person, and miss them if they’re gone. These individuals must learn the crucial difference between loving a partner and being “in love”. Romantic feelings of excitement, intoxication and infatuation necessarily wax and wane. There are times they appear and are very enjoyable -other times they fade into the background. This does not mean something is wrong or that you do not love each other. Love is not based upon fluctuating feelings, but upon a solid foundation of mutual respect, consideration and communication. Although it is wonderful and important to set aside time for romantic time together, the daily on-goingness of life requires a much deeper understanding of what it means to truly love. Love is often tested in the fire, and frequently sacrifice is needed. In order to truly love, one must grow as a person, and that is what relationships are for – to help us grow in our ability to discover what love really is..

Number 3) Love is not dependency.

It’s all right to be who you are, be different from him, have friends and activities of your own. It’s also all right, to give him time with his friends and private space. Love always includes trust of the other, and the knowledge that the more your partner is able to enjoy others, the more he will be able to enjoy being with you. The less you suffocate and possess him, the more he will want to be with you. The less you let him suffocate you, the more you will love him and the more he will respect you. It’s fine to be two, separate, whole people. From that basis, a lot of love can grow.

Number 4) Being angry doesn’t mean you do not love each other.

Some feel that as soon as they are angry with their partner or their partner is angry with them the love has gone out the window. Of course, if anger goes on for too long, or is not dealt with properly, it certainly can erode the quality of a relationship. But being angry is not a sign that he doesn’t love you, or you him. It is simply a sign that it is time for good, open, honest, careful communication to take place. On-going communication is the heart and soul of every good relationship.

When we bottle up our needs and feelings and pretend to be who we are not, then all that has been hidden will explode through anger. But, when we recognize anger, irritation or resentment as it arises, and freely discuss our needs or responses with our partner, not only does the anger diminish, but our relationship grows closer. Take anger as a sign that you are being an opportunity to communicate more and know each other better. Let it make you closer, not further apart.

Number 5) Even though you’re together all the time, you still must make time for one another.

Actually, you must actually carve out more time for each other when you live together. Living together it’s easy to take one another’s presence for granted. But just because the person is there physically, does not necessarily mean you’re sharing quality time. Children, errands, pressures at work and social obligations can create a whir of activity, but not intimate time between the two of you. Carve out intimate time when the two of you are alone. Go some place special. Make time to talk and hug. Make time to have fun alone. This is a wonderful refresher to every marriage and should be done at least weekly.

Number 6) Being together for a long time doesn’t have to take the magic away.

It’s wonderful to have someone at your side, who you share experiences with year after year. There is no way to replace a person who you’ve gone through many years with, sharing common experiences and memories. The sense of continuity and trust that can develop between you is a jewel. It is wonderful to wake up each morning, knowing this person is at your side. As the years pass you know each other better and better, whatever happens you both know there is someone there for you, who understands what you are going through. As our ability to share grows, the burdens of life diminish greatly, and the joys intensify as well.

SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP & WHY MEN LEAVE

Dr. Shoshanna is a state licensed Psychologist, an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com. She is also a professor at Barnes & Noble University Online, and appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

Why Men Leave (The Fantasy Relationship)

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

"What's life without a girl friend?" asks Jimmy, a tall, forty-five year old Sicilian man, an irresistible charmer. "I never say good-bye to one without a few more waiting in the wings," he says. "It keeps me going. Is that so bad?" Then he flashes his boyish grin.

Although he never stays long, Jimmy has strong opinions on male female relationships. "There's a conflict of roles, with no roles clearly defined. "Women want monogamous relationships. Men don't want to get trapped. Men get guilty about leaving though. Believe it or not, it's hard to leave. We men do get guilty. Whatever we do we end up feeling like rats.”

Underneath all this are his feelings of dependency. Jimmy believes a man is nothing compared to a woman."A man really wants a woman to run the show," he says easily. "A guy doesn't know what's going on. But he also wants the woman to let him think he's running it. If women could only understand that -boy. It's a subtle thing.

Commenting on this issue, Dr. Robert Berk, says, "There are a lot of men who can't tolerate their own dependency on women because they experience it as emasculating. They therefore withdraw. Some downgrade the woman to make her appear a lot less valuable than she really is to them." Jimmy compensates by having as many women around as he can. This way he won't be the one to be left - an unbearable ego blow.

"A man likes a strong woman," Jimmy continued, "but she should be strong in subtle ways. In order to have a really terrific woman that he wouldn't want to leave, a man has to be confident that his love was strong enough for her so she wouldn't go somewhere else. Good women are too much for most men."

When Jimmy finally found the woman of his dreams, he saw her twice, and after that, wouldn't ever see her again. "The magic was really something. I held her close, we laughed a lot, she was terrific. Neither of us could part. It was perfect. At the end of the night we didn't take each other's numbers. We just had our night and said good-bye. We both said to each other we hoped we never saw each other again. You see, we created this incredible illusion for two nights, but could we do it again?

After what happened that night, well, it can't get better than that? I'm gonna live off that memory the rest of my life." For Jimmy, and many men like him, being truly happy, and affirmed in love can only happen in the world of illusion.

He was determined to hold onto this woman and the two nights they spent together exactly as they had been. He needed it badly. At all costs he didn't want the fantasy to be destroyed, or to see aspects of himself or her that didn't fit in.

When a man is seeking illusion, fantasy, and escape from painful conflict or feelings of low self-esteem, a brief, magical experience, in which no one is tested, becomes a substitute for real love. A fantasy love cannot be threatened or damaged. It also cannot be taken away. Of course, the contradiction inherent in this situation is that holding onto this fantasy keeps the possibility of ongoing, sustaining love away.

Article Word Count: 562

Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

Dr. Shoshanna's Biography

Clinical Psychologist in private practice for over 20 years, and an internationally renown author, Dr. Brenda Shoshanna is also the resident relationship expert at i.village.com, a professor at Barnes & Noble University Online, and has offered over 500 talks and workshops to hospitals, universities and fortune 500 companies on building successful relationships.

All of Dr. Shoshanna's work has been for the purpose of helping people like yourself find the love, support and well-being they desire.

Dr. Shoshanna appears regularly on network television and radio. She lends her expertise to worldwide audiences as a renown psychologist and relationship expert.

Her books are available at Barnes and Noble, on Amazon, and in book stores world-wide. She has written many critically acclaimed and top-selling self help publications, which have been translated into 14 languages.

As a columnist, Dr. Shoshanna has also been published in many leading magazines including Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal, Better Living, Body and Soul, Chicago Tribune, In Touch and First For Woman, amongst many others.